Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

We are all in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now.


... and with the borders closed, there's no chance of touring!

[NTRebel]

That describes Victoria to a tee.

We are all in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now.


... and with the borders closed, there's no chance of touring!

[Kev Murphy]

Don't waste your time looking at this weeks specials at The Reject Shop.


Total waste of money to buy camping gear that will sit around unused for months.

[Kev Murphy]

The Nazis really wasted so much money and effort on a racist motive which made no sense.

It truly was a hollow-cost.

[Kev Murphy]

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people openly mocking a mentally challenged child.


Though to be fair, Trump sorta had it coming.

[Kev Murphy]

A man took his 8 year old daughter to the office, on 'Take Your Child to Work' Day.

As he was walking her around, she started crying and getting very cranky, so he asked her what was wrong.
As the coworkers gathered around, she sobbed and said, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"

[Kev Murphy]

Anti-vax mother: "Doctor, I am NOT going to vaccinate my child.
Should I take any precautions?"

Doctor: "Yes. Don't get too attached to him."

[Kev Murphy]

"Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat!
What can I replace it with?"

Doctor: "A dog. Dogs eat meat."

[Kev Murphy]

In Russia, a man is driving with his wife and small child.

A policeman pulls the man over on suspicion of the man being drunk and gives him a breathalyser test.
“See,” the policeman says, “you are drunk!”
The man protests that the breathalyser must be faulty, and invites the policeman to test his wife.
She also registers as drunk.
Exasperated, the man invites the policeman to test his child.
When the child registers drunk as well, the policeman shrugs and says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken?” and sends them on their way.

Out of earshot, the man said to his wife “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple shots of vodka.”

[Kev Murphy]

I went on a date with a blonde.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I have one child, that's just under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I do know how many one is."

[Kev Murphy]

A child asked his mother "When you got pregnant with me, did you want a boy or girl?"


She replied "Neither, I wanted the remote from under the coffee table."

[Kev Murphy]

Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time, after stepping down from the Royal family.

He'll be an artist formerly known as Prince.

Hate to inform him the name is not unique.

[Kev Murphy]

One day while Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Michelangelo said, even louder, "I am Jesus Christ, Son of God, obey me!"

Still the woman did not budge. So, Michelangelo shouted at the top of his lungs, "I am Jesus Christ, hear my word!"

The old woman finally turned to look up, and held up her rosary, saying, "Shut up! I'm talking to your mother!"

[Kev Murphy]

I went to the paint store to ask for a particular shade.

The guy claimed no such shade existed, and that it must have been a pigment of my imagination.

[Bodø]

Hue can't be serious and I don't like your tone.  Perhaps you need to have another tint at it.

[Bodø]

One day while Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Michelangelo said, even louder, "I am Jesus Christ, Son of God, obey me!"

Still the woman did not budge. So, Michelangelo shouted at the top of his lungs, "I am Jesus Christ, hear my word!"

The old woman finally turned to look up, and held up her rosary, saying, "Shut up! I'm talking to your mother!"

Kids are so annoying.

[Kev Murphy]

A friend complained today that his arse has gone rusty.

He usually keeps it polished by using bar stools on a daily basis.

[Kev Murphy]

I went to the pharmacy this morning and asked for 50 condoms.
The girl winked at me and said, "Oh, busy weekend ahead?"

"I'll say!" I replied. "I'm making a raincoat for my pet snake."

[Kev Murphy]

A light hearted quiz


Think of a number between 2 & 5.
Now times it by 9.
Now take the sum of the two numbers in that number(example: 42: 4+2=6).
Now subtract that number by 5.
Next see which letter corresponds with that number(1=a 2=b 3=c and so on).
After that think of a country that is NOT in North America nor South America beginning with that letter.
Take the last letter of that country and think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Now take the last letter of that animal and think of a fruit that starts with that letter.






Are you thinking of an orange kangaroo from Denmark?

[Kev Murphy]

A guy is driving his truck through a storm.

He notices a man wearing a red raincoat on the side of the road waving at him, so he pulls over.
He lowers the window and asks: 'What do you want?'
'I'm the red-coated asshole, and I'm hungry!'
The trucker throws a sandwich to the guy and drives on.

Soon, he sees a man in a yellow raincoat on the side of the road waving at him, so he pulls over again.
'What do you want?'
'I'm the yellow-coated asshole, and I'm thirsty!'
The trucker throws out a bottle of water to the guy and drives on.

Within five minutes, he sees a third guy on the side of the road waving at him, this time wearing a black raincoat.
He pulls over and calls.
'And you, you black-coated asshole, what the hell do you want?!'
'License and registration, please...'

[Kev Murphy]

I have a pile of laundry to do later.

I call it 'Mount Wash More.'

[Kev Murphy]

My wife tripped on the rug and dropped all the freshly ironed clothes.

She got red with embarrassment and said: "Did you see that?"

I said: "I watched it all unfold."

[Kev Murphy]

North Korea: Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be landing a man on the sun within 10 years.
A startled reporter shouted, “But the sun is thousands of degrees
Celsius. No one can get within 10 million miles of the sun!”

The audience was stunned at the reporter's brazen challenge and the room
fell into a long silence. But instead of having the
reporter arrested, Kim calmly replied, “We will land at night.”

The gathering and everyone in North Korea
watching on television broke into thunderous applause.

Back in Washington, Donald Trump and his staff were watching.
When Trump heard Kim's remarks he sneered.

“What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”
His staff broke into thunderous applause.

A light hearted quiz


Think of a number between 2 & 5.
Now times it by 9.
Now take the sum of the two numbers in that number(example: 42: 4+2=6).
Now subtract that number by 5.
Next see which letter corresponds with that number(1=a 2=b 3=c and so on).
After that think of a country that is NOT in North America nor South America beginning with that letter.
Take the last letter of that country and think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Now take the last letter of that animal and think of a fruit that starts with that letter.






Are you thinking of an orange kangaroo from Denmark?

No.  I got an apple, iguana and Djibouti.

[ruSTynutz]