Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3016849 times)

Bodø · « **Reply #12900 on:** July 19, 2019, 02:33:48 PM »

It's still one too many.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12901 on:** July 19, 2019, 02:36:22 PM »

Weather in Portland is a lot like Iraq.

A little bit Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12902 on:** July 19, 2019, 02:37:34 PM »

Scotland is trying to leave the UK again...

(if at first you don't secede,

... try, try again.)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12903 on:** July 19, 2019, 03:06:58 PM »

Things are not always as they appear...

A blind woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except the blind lady.
The pilot noticed her as he walked by and knew her well as she had flown this route many times before with her Seeing Eye Dog, which lay quietly underneath her seat.
He approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to take a walk.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they also tried to change airlines!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12904 on:** July 19, 2019, 05:35:23 PM »

It was a quiet afternoon here, so I put this together for your entertainment in just 15 minutes....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvYDDei5EdU

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12905 on:** July 19, 2019, 09:13:59 PM »

Two friends from Melbourne and Sydney are talking about how packed the trains are in their cities.

The guy from Melbourne says “The trains are so packed in Melbourne, I got on a train with my pregnant wife and when we got off the train, she’d had the baby”.

The guy from Sydney says “That’s nothing, I got on a train in Sydney with my wife the other day and when we got off, she was pregnant”.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12906 on:** July 19, 2019, 09:23:35 PM »

A man was walking through a graveyard when he saw another man squatting next to a grave.

"Morning!" he called out.

"Nah!, ... just taking a dump!!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12907 on:** July 20, 2019, 03:50:16 AM »

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Melbourne Cup.

They are Premier Box Seats, plus Airfares and 5 star Hotel All Inclusive Accommodation.

He didn't realise when he bought them, that this is the same date as his Wedding Day.

If you're interested and would like to take his place, it's at St Johns Church, Melbourne at 2.30pm.

Her name is Susan.

She will be the one in the White Dress...

Bodø · « **Reply #12908 on:** July 20, 2019, 04:30:34 AM »

Please send me a photo of the church.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12909 on:** July 20, 2019, 04:33:42 AM »

As a baby and toddler I was bathed in cheap Australian lager....

It was only when I reached 21 that my parents admitted that I had been Fostered.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12910 on:** July 20, 2019, 04:48:12 AM »

It's been said that Greece's greatest contributions to European society were the inventions of democracy and sodomy.

France is then generally given credit for slightly improving both of these ideas, by discovering that you could also involve women.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12911 on:** July 20, 2019, 04:58:47 AM »

Quote from: Bodø on July 20, 2019, 04:30:34 AM

Please send me a photo of the church.

Bodø · « **Reply #12912 on:** July 20, 2019, 05:00:12 AM »

I'll pass.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12913 on:** July 20, 2019, 05:02:57 AM »

but... but... there's a bus stop right there!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12914 on:** July 20, 2019, 05:07:44 AM »

I went down to the patent office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today.
I walked up to the main desk where the lady pulled out a form to fill out.
She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented...

I said, 'A folding bottle.'

She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'

'A fottle.'

'What else do you have there?'

'A folding carton.'

'OK, what do you call it?'

'A farton.'

She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products, and one of them even sounds a bit crude.'

I was so upset by her comment, I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket...

Bodø · « **Reply #12915 on:** July 20, 2019, 06:01:49 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on July 20, 2019, 05:02:57 AM

but... but... there's a bus stop right there!

I don't stop at those.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12916 on:** July 20, 2019, 07:52:21 AM »

After the invention of digital watches, the Swiss were in quite a bind...
Faced with what seemed like an existential threat to their national watch manufacturers, the Swiss Government send out pamphlets to foreign and domestic watch owners, asking them to sign up if they were interested in buying mechanical watches as gifts or fashion statements.

Unfortunately, no one signed up. The Swiss were mystified, until they realised their mistake:

No one wants to be on a government watch list.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12917 on:** July 20, 2019, 08:00:16 AM »

Blonde Inventions

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12918 on:** July 20, 2019, 08:02:49 AM »

I've heard a lot about how revolutionary 'the wheel' was for civilisation ...

But I think it's time to recognise 'the shovel' for being the ground-breaking invention that it is.

Bodø · « **Reply #12919 on:** July 20, 2019, 08:07:14 AM »

In it's day the saw was the cutting edge of technology.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12920 on:** July 20, 2019, 09:14:11 AM »

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and beat the crap out of him.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12921 on:** July 20, 2019, 09:18:28 AM »

A japanese company invented a robot that captured thieves.

So in order to test their invention they took to some places around the world to really see how effective it was.

Firstly they went to Rio,
It captured 60 thieves in 1 hour

Then they went to Los Angeles,
It captured 112 thieves in 1 hour

Then they brought it to the western suburbs of Melbourne,
but within 15 minutes, the robot was stolen.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12922 on:** July 20, 2019, 01:03:08 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12923 on:** July 20, 2019, 07:34:26 PM »

Male Logic.

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three

Woman: how much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at about $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No!

Man: So where is your airplane?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12924 on:** July 20, 2019, 09:16:16 PM »

28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 2 commas went to court.

They're awaiting their sentence.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3016849 times)

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