Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

A cop asked me why I had a hat hanging from my rear view mirror.

I told him it was so that I could park in handicap zones.

[Kev Murphy]

I nearly died, choking on a German sausage.


From that moment on, I feared the wurst.

[Kev Murphy]

A Russian remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up.
He doesn't have enough money to fly, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving.
Several hours go by on the empty road and after a while, they reach the Latvian border.
A man stops them and asks for passports. He asks in broken Russian “your names?”

The man responds “I am Ivan, this is my wife Tanya. we are travelling to Germany”

“Excellent. And what is your work?”

“I manufacture vodka”

“Looks good sir, you may go”

Several more hours pass and they make it to the Lithuanian border. The guard stops them and asks

“Your names?”

“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. we are Russians travelling to Germany”

“Fine. Profession?”

“I manufacture Vodka”

“Looks good sir, you may pass”

They drive for another few hours, until late at night they make it to the Polish border. The guard asks for the passports, and says

“What are your names?”

“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. We are Russians.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just passing through this time.”

[Kev Murphy]

[STeveo]

Do Cowboys turn their hats up at the sides, just so they can sit 3 abreast in a pickup truck?

Yes. 

[Bodø]

A Russian remembers...

For what it's worth, the Soviets occupied Liuthuania and Latvia a lot longer than they did Poland.

[Kev Murphy]

A woman was skinny-dipping in a lake when she noticed a police officer waving to her from the bank.

"Excuse me, Miss," he said. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The officer replies, "Stripping naked isn't illegal!"

[Kev Murphy]

Here, we jokingly call a bra 'an over the shoulder boulder holder'

In Germany it's called 'a Kepzemfromfloppin'

[Bodø]

Here, we jokingly call a bra 'an over the shoulder boulder holder'

I first heard the term over the shoulder boulder holder in the Surf Punks song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPjLTDtn2sw

[Kev Murphy]

A grubby homeless guy walked across a bridge, and then back again.


Dirty double crosser.

[Shillas]

Here, we jokingly call a bra 'an over the shoulder boulder holder'

In Germany it's called 'a Kepzemfromfloppin'

1978 in first year of high school we all (male & female) got to learn that term. And what the contents felt like.

[Kev Murphy]

.. and that was your introduction to the super dooper whopper flopper stopper? 

[Kev Murphy]

A friend of mine said he scored 175 on a simple eMail IQ test, with just 3 questions

1. His credit card number
2. His social security number
3. Uploading a scan of His birth certificate

I beg to differ on his score...

[Shillas]

A friend of mine said he scored 175 on a simple eMail IQ test, with just 3 questions

1. His credit card number
2. His social security number
3. Uploading a scan of His birth certificate

I beg to differ on his score...

I got the same  score.  Waiting to get my special gift.

[Shillas]

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do".

I said, "Turn left here".

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

Just been on a diabetes awareness website....

It asked me if i accept cookies.




Is that a trick question?

[Kev Murphy]

I can predict your favourite movie with one simple trick..
This math test will determine your favourite movie.

Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. That's my favourite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
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Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math!
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Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together, to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.





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Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story


Now, ain't that something..?

P.S.  I fibbed about my own result.

[Kev Murphy]

I now know how to get access into any bank, without being arrested.

Walk through the doors between 9.30 am and 4.30 pm any weekday.

[Kev Murphy]

My pommy mate lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months, with this one simple trick!

All he did was buy bitcoin.

[Kev Murphy]

A woman calls her husband at work to share some news.
“I’m kind of busy right now, babe, can’t it wait until I get home?”

“Not really,” she replies. “I’ve just got to share some good news and some bad news.”

“All right,” he replies, playing along. “I’m in a rush, so just give me the good news.”

Well,” she sighs, “The good news is that the airbags on the car work properly.”

[Bodø]

What's the bad news?  She can still talk? 

[Kev Murphy]

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.


Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

[Kev Murphy]

A man waved at me, so I waved back, but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and a taxi stopped that took me to the airport.


That explains why I now live in Portland.

[Kev Murphy]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his bum, two gold front teeth walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say,but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .....