Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3064719 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14325 on:** October 04, 2019, 07:34:00 PM »

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up.

His wife is waiting for him at the door, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath and lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies. "I'd like some breakfast"

Bodø · « **Reply #14326 on:** October 04, 2019, 07:48:25 PM »

Probably got a knuckle sandwich.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14327 on:** October 05, 2019, 07:46:14 AM »

"I can't believe I'm going to be a father!" He tearfully exclaimed, as his wife emerged from the bathroom with the pregnancy test in hand.

"Actually," she said, "You're going to be an uncle."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14328 on:** October 05, 2019, 07:57:47 AM »

I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty high?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14329 on:** October 05, 2019, 08:00:20 AM »

A blonde failed her driver's test, because when the instructor told her it was time to park she climbed into the back seat.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14330 on:** October 05, 2019, 08:03:50 AM »

A blonde crashed her car. She told the police the man that she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14331 on:** October 05, 2019, 10:12:39 AM »

Technology has discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14332 on:** October 05, 2019, 10:15:40 AM »

Horny Vegans prefer phone sex because it's the meet-free option.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14333 on:** October 05, 2019, 10:35:23 AM »

Blast from the past.

Going back around 50 years ago to the drive in theatre at Whyalla.
I went to the drive in to see Herbie the Love Bug just a week before entering the Army in 1968.
During the prelude to the movie, the screen went blank, and the managers voice came through the speakers.
"Would the man who is here with another mans wife, please take her home immediately as a family crisis has occurred.
We will turn off the theatre lights as a courtesy."

Around fifteen cars started to leave the venue in the darkness, but everyone else turned their headlights on.

True story.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14334 on:** October 05, 2019, 12:13:47 PM »

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Internet".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14335 on:** October 05, 2019, 12:17:34 PM »

The current political situation in America reminds me of a porn video,

... where everyone gets screwed, but nobody gets paid

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14336 on:** October 05, 2019, 01:07:45 PM »

Job interviewer asked me: "What you make at your current job?"

He didn't expect me to say "Stupid mistakes and inappropriate comments"

Bodø · « **Reply #14337 on:** October 05, 2019, 01:09:12 PM »

Sounds like you do it at job interviews too.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14338 on:** October 05, 2019, 01:11:18 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14339 on:** October 05, 2019, 01:22:48 PM »

Kim Jong-Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.

Oops! Spelt ***nuclear*** wrong.

Bodø · « **Reply #14340 on:** October 05, 2019, 01:35:46 PM »

I might have to dig out my Vapors album... New Clear Days.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14341 on:** October 05, 2019, 04:28:04 PM »

Medical care in North Korea is extremely cheap.

Anyone can afford a $5 bullet to cure their ills.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14342 on:** October 05, 2019, 04:29:21 PM »

North Korea is calling for war.

It's Saturday again, they launched another missile.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14343 on:** October 05, 2019, 04:36:29 PM »

Kim Jong-Un has been nominated as the most literate person in all of North Korea.

He is the Supweme Reader

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14344 on:** October 05, 2019, 05:06:22 PM »

Americans are warned that when there is a tornado, to hide in a location without windows.

Didn't help the crowd who took refuge in an Apple store.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14345 on:** October 05, 2019, 05:09:35 PM »

President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan are travelling together in a presidential convoy.
A tornado comes along, sweeps up their vehicle, and launches them hundreds of yards away.

When they regain consciousness they realise they've been transported to the magical Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting wishes.

Pence says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Paul Ryan adds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Trump looks around and asks, "Where's Dorothy?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14346 on:** October 05, 2019, 06:57:00 PM »

Roger Federa bought a new phone.

... an Iphone 10s

Shillas · « **Reply #14347 on:** October 05, 2019, 09:53:57 PM »

My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks.

Badminton.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14348 on:** October 05, 2019, 09:59:28 PM »

Bodø · « **Reply #14349 on:** October 06, 2019, 01:58:50 AM »

My local policeman is about to retire, but is considering taking up a job as a dog walker. He'll never give up following a lead.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3064719 times)

Bodø

Bodø

Bodø

Bodø