Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Bodø]

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.
.... and yet most of us men are so polite, that we only look at the covered bits.

Missed this earlier so thanks to David for quoting it.  For the record Kev, I'm stealing it.

[Kev Murphy]

Very welcome, Bodø. 

[Kev Murphy]

[Bodø]

Very welcome, Bodø. 

Done.  I had to find a bikini picture (for research purposes).

[Kev Murphy]

Not hard to find, probably plenty lying around the White House. 

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

The Doctor asked me: "Do you get any exercise?"

I responded "Does sex count as exercise?"

He said "Well, ... yes!"

I said "Well ... No!"

[Kev Murphy]

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He  was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something.
Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. ... Not with a dandelion, anyway."

[Kev Murphy]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[Kev Murphy]

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling with an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! ... He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he was talking about his money!!"

[Kev Murphy]

Another poor attempt by a phone scammer this evening, claiming to be from Microsoft.
Started off with a heavily accented voice, wishing me a 'Good Morning!' (at 10.50 pm on a Saturday night?)
He didn't get much joy, as I used my umpires whistle vigorously..

[Kev Murphy]

If you want a really good one night stand, date a homeless woman.

Afterwards, you can drop her off anywhere...

[Kev Murphy]

Friday afternoon, the Boss asked all his Staff to come to work at 9am on Saturday for overtime.
When he came in to the office at ten thirty in the morning, he greeted his staff with a cheery "Have a great day, everyone!"

... So they all left, and went to the beach for a barbeque.

[Kev Murphy]

Another Blast from the Past...

Back in the 80's when I lived on the Gold Coast.

Two kids who lived next door were removing cane toads from their front lawn with the aid of a cricket bat.
The younger brother was shouting the count as his older brother swung the bat.
WHACK! "One!" .... WHACK! "Two!" ... WHACK! "Three!" ... WHACK! "Four!... "
The older boy corrected him "Not four mate, that one was a SIX! ... Went over the fence on the full!!"

[Kev Murphy]

A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

[Kev Murphy]

How many arms does a tiger shark have?

Depends how far he is through his meal.

[Kev Murphy]

Saddam Hussein, Taha Yassin Ramadan and Tariq Aziz are lounging on the balcony of one of Saddams palaces when a flock of geese flies over.
"Ramadan, shoot the geese," Saddam says.
The vice president lifts his AK-47 and empties a clip into the sky, but doesn't hit a single bird.
"You try, Tariq," Saddam says.
The deputy prime minister fires and misses as well.
"Damn, I have to do everything around here," Saddam says. He fires five rounds in the air.
None of the birds fall.
There's an awkward silence.
Then Tariq Aziz points at the receding flock and says, "My God, would you look at that! Dead birds flying!"

[Kev Murphy]

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.
Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
" So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!... but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
That's when my pants fell down, and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

[Kev Murphy]

Two blokes chatting. One mentioned that his father had recently died.
"That's a shame" said the other "My father died during world war II"
"Died in battle, did he?"
"No, he was never in the Army, he died skiing in Vermont in '43"

[Kev Murphy]

Two blondes were stuck in an elevator. They took it in turns to call for help, to no avail.
One said to the other "If we both shout together, it might be loud enough for someone to hear us."
The other blonde nodded in agreement, so they both shouted "TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"

[Kev Murphy]

Trump was recently asked: "How many lives per gallon is Syrian oil worth?"

[Kev Murphy]

A religious minister decided to pull a 'sickie' one Sunday morning, and play golf instead.
As he faced off at the first tee, St Peter tapped God on the shoulder, and pointed down to the golf course.
God said "Ah!... I guess I should punish him for this sacrilege!"
St Peter asked "Are you gonna zap him with a lightning bolt?"
"Nah!" God replied "I don't work that way! ... Watch this!"
St Peter was confused as God took control of the ball as it was hit, and delivered a 575 yard hole-in-one!
"I thought you were going to punish him?" he queried.
"I am gonna do this for the next 8 holes, so who is gonna believe him?!!!" said God.

[Bodø]

[Kev Murphy]

Good Morning Bodø