Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you, grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock  they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give all the male patients a hot cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.
It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes them sleep, and the Viagra stops them from rolling out of bed."

[Kev Murphy]

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger".

You might think that's pretty cool, but ...

... She doesn't like it.

[Kev Murphy]

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'.
What exactly am I supposed to do with that information?
They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead",or, "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

[Kev Murphy]

My buddy hates those e-mails where they try to sell him penis enhancers.

He got ten last week.

Eight of them from his girlfriend.

It's the two from his mum that really hurt.

[Kev Murphy]

Doesn't matter how much you give to a homeless person for a cup of coffee.

... you never get that cup of coffee.

[Kev Murphy]

I live near a remedial school.

There are road signs that say, Slow... Children.

That can't be good for their self esteem?

But of course, look on the positive side,

... they probably can't read it.

[Jdbiker]

Good Morning Bodø 

You have found a kindred spirit in Bodo San  , Good Morning Kev 🤓

[Bodø]

Good Morning Bodø 

Good morning

[Kev Murphy]

Just got home, have been visiting with friends today, after they dropped by at 9am for coffee.
While chatting, he described a problem with the electrics in his shed, so I went around for a look.
Opened up the first powerpoint, and found some chewed wires, and a dead mouse.
Easy to fix.  (cheap, too!)

[Bodø]

How do you fix a dead mouse?

[Kev Murphy]

Well, its pretty obvious that using electric shock don't work? 

[Kev Murphy]

Street gang hooligans will not attack you, if you carry a hamburger.


... but it depends on how fast you carry it!

[Kev Murphy]

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses.
The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey.
The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey holds his arms in front as if grabbing a steering wheel, and turns his head looking backwards over his shoulder.

[Kev Murphy]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a 2 litre pack of milk, a half carton of 6 eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, half a romaine lettuce, 100 gram jar of coffee, and 250 grams package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items at the checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Because you’re fat and ugly."

[Kev Murphy]

Carolyn, a very rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sports car.

She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't go at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously
calls the Jaguar dealer, and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and cannot find a fault.

So he turns to the blonde and asks:
"Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You idiot, how on earth could you ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know!
Of course I am using the right gears; I use "D" during the day and "N" at night."
 
 
 

[Kev Murphy]

The average Australian now pays out more in taxes than he formerly received in wages.

I can remember when my annual income as a qualified tradesman was less than $1200 (including overtime)(1970)

2018 base wage for an Electrician is now around $72k per year. A tradesman today is now paid an hourly rate of more than what I formerly received per week back then.

This is called progress.

[Kev Murphy]

An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple.
 
The engineer resorted to climbing the steeple, lowering a plumb bob on a string until it touched the ground, and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.

The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple and worked out the height by trigonometry.

The arts graduate bought the vicar a beer in the local pub, and casually asked him how high the church steeple was.

[Kev Murphy]

Did you hear about the guy who fitted a ShuRoo sonic whistle to his bike, but backwards?

He is easy to spot, he is the guy riding down the road with around 30 roos chasing him.

[Kev Murphy]

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I time travel, I fly Air Bizarre.
It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket.
You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday
... That way you still have the weekend.
If you want a great holiday, buy another ticket as soon as you get back.

[Kev Murphy]

I find that he best part of Valentines Day is the day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.

[Kev Murphy]

A really bad golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie.
The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch, and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.
At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green, and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie,
"Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
The caddie replied, "Yeah ... Eventually!"

[Kev Murphy]

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it. 
Amazed, he  asked: "Did you kill that?".   
The pigmy said "Yes."   
The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
The pigmy responded: "I killed it with my club."   
The astonished hunter asked "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 90 of us."

[Kev Murphy]

A guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket, the boots, and the double-barreled shotgun.
As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, and shot him in the groin.
He was taken to the hospital, anaesthetised and rushed into surgery.
When he woke up, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job and saved his manhood.
 
When he was completely awake and ready to go home, the surgeon gave him a business card.
"This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."
He asked "Is your brother a doctor too?"
The doctor replied, "No, he plays the flute... He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't pee on your trouserlegs."

[Kev Murphy]

There's a rumour that Trump wants to replace the Bald Eagle with a new National bird.

The Spread Eagle ...

[Kev Murphy]

A friend of mine and his wife argued, and she walked out.
He asked me for advice.
Based on my personal experience, I told him to change the locks.