Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

 If Trump walked on water in full view of a Fox News reporter, he would probably declare ...


"DONALD CAN'T SWIM"

[Kev Murphy]

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant.


If it floats...

[Kev Murphy]

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples and called to the barman:
“Twelve glasses of water, please!”
*Winks at disciples*

[Kev Murphy]

There are two very good reasons not to drink water from the toilet.

#1

#2

The toilets in the SA Water building have a sign saying "do not drink".  Every time I see it I think who is drinking it?

[Bodø]

Found it

[Kev Murphy]

A man went to the doctor with a swollen foot.
After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while, and the man loses patience.
He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat, and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor returned with a bucket of warm water.
"Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak your foot in the bucket for about 20 minutes."

[Kev Murphy]

Optus (Yes) cold callers do not like it when they are told NO, because I prefer to opt out.

[Kev Murphy]

Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. “Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there’s no doubt about it: you’re pregnant.”
“Impossible,” she cried, and fainted dead away.

When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialled her seventy-eight-year-old husband, and screeched, “You’ve knocked me up, you randy old goat!”
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, “And to whom am I speaking?”

[Kev Murphy]

A man went to a pet store
There he saw a parrot.
The seller saw him looking and told him,
"That parrot can learn to say anything."

The man thought that sounded cool, so he bought the parrot. He went home and said to the parrot,

"I can talk"

"I can talk," the parrot repeated.

"I can walk"

"I can walk," the parrot repeated.

"I can fly"

"I doubt it"

[Kev Murphy]

Two old guys are sitting on a park bench.
The first guy says “I got this new hearing aid. It’s amazing!
It’s top of the line, and I can finally hear my grandkids voices! ”

The second guy says “What kind is it?”

First guy looks at his watch: “About two thirty .”

[Kev Murphy]

I went to IGA to get toilet paper, but they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar, and the receipt gave me enough to last for the week.

[Kev Murphy]

So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order. Wow. “Take the high road” I thought to myself.
So I paid for her food.

I moved up, and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I paid for her food.
She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts, and took her food as well!

[Kev Murphy]

This virus crap is really knocking the Banks around.

Every ATM machine I visited today all gave me a receipt stating "Not enough funds"

[Kev Murphy]

I experienced the WORST customer service yesterday at a shop.
I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
On Wednesday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.
So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt.
I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.
Again this person told me "NO."
I asked to talk to a manager now, as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."

No refund.
No FREE replacement.
Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

I''ll tell you what...
I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again!!

[Kev Murphy]

I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost the other in Vietnam.
Anyway I asked him where he was off to.

"To change a light bulb" he replied.

"Won't that be difficult?" I asked.

"Nah" he says, "Only bought it yesterday, still got the receipt".

[Kev Murphy]

A father found his son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

He quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and the boy started to breathe.

As his father held him in his arms, his eyes slowly opened and his dad said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

[Kev Murphy]

An elderly woman phoned the police and complained that she saw her neighbour, naked, walking around in his bedroom with the blinds open.

Police arrived and after a quick investigation said to her, "You cannot even see his window from here, the fence completely blocks the view?"

She replied, "If you climb on top of the wardrobe, you can see over the fence!"

[Kev Murphy]

What’s the difference between me and a pigeon?


I can't put a deposit on a BMW.

[Kev Murphy]

Latest issue with this virus crapola is that supermarkets are now restricting how many packs of cigarettes one can buy.
Seems like a good time to kick the habit, and stop paying outrageous crippling taxes to the government.

[Bodø]

It's not a tax, it's an excise.

[Kev Murphy]

same shit, common bucket. When introduced, it was called a sales tax.

[ruSTynutz]

This virus crap is really knocking the Banks around.

Every ATM machine I visited today all gave me a receipt stating "Not enough funds"

Extra toilet paper, hey Kev? 

[Kev Murphy]

Yep!

[Kev Murphy]

4 Engineers get into a car. A Mechanical Engineer, a Petroleum Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, and a Network Engineer.
They go to start the car, and, nothing.

The Mechanical Engineer says, "Hey guys, we've got a bad starter, we're going to need to fix that before the car will start."

The Petroleum Engineer spoke up and said, "No No, we've got bad fuel, we'll need to drop the fuel tank, drain and clean it before the car will start."

The Electrical Engineer speaks up and said, "Guys, it's a dead battery. Don't over complicate things.
Let's swap it out and be on our way already!"

The Network Engineer is sitting in the back just listening to everyone argue about who is right, and finally speaks up and says,
"Guys, Guys! Why don't we just close the windows, get out of car, and then get back in, open the windows and try again?".