Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3053710 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17575 on:** April 04, 2020, 04:32:37 AM »

"I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?”

“Mayo.”

“Mayo? Why Mayo??”

“Because he neighs.”

« **Reply #17576 on:** April 04, 2020, 04:33:27 AM »

Should have called it Potatoes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17577 on:** April 04, 2020, 04:37:34 AM »

Why potatoes?

Bodø · « **Reply #17578 on:** April 04, 2020, 04:39:54 AM »

Because he gallops.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17579 on:** April 04, 2020, 04:40:56 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17580 on:** April 04, 2020, 10:16:36 AM »

Me: "The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches."

Wife: "OK, just throw them out."

Me: (While helping the kids pack a suitcase) "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17581 on:** April 04, 2020, 12:32:55 PM »

So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…
And there's an old lady there with an agitated little chihuahua.

It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I asked the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she said, sweetly.

So I threw the yappy little mongrel under a passing car.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17582 on:** April 04, 2020, 12:37:24 PM »

Miserable weather here today, cold wet and windy.

Portland 12.7°C Wind 38kph, gusting to 52kph
with wind chill, feels like 3.8 degrees.

Even if we were allowed outside, there's no way I would bother, so you will just have to endure crappy jokes from me instead.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17583 on:** April 04, 2020, 12:48:12 PM »

I keep ordering things that aren’t on the menu at a Vietnamese Sandwich Shop...
The lady behind the counter said: “If you keep doing that you’re gonna get in trouble!”

I replied: “Whadda ya gonna do...Bahn Mi?!”

Bodø · « **Reply #17584 on:** April 04, 2020, 12:50:13 PM »

I went to an Indian bakery and asked if he had some bread. He said he had naan.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17585 on:** April 04, 2020, 12:52:59 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17586 on:** April 04, 2020, 12:55:50 PM »

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out easy cook dinners.

I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring!
Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

... I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

« **Reply #17587 on:** April 04, 2020, 12:56:14 PM »

The French bakery had bread. When asked how I would like to take it home I said bag it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17588 on:** April 04, 2020, 12:56:54 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17589 on:** April 04, 2020, 12:58:13 PM »

A Canadian guy bought a walk-in freezer.

His neighbour asked him: "Why do you need a freezer, when it's so cold outside?"

He replied: "To have a warm place inside the house. It's -30 outside, and only -10 in the freezer."

Bodø · « **Reply #17590 on:** April 04, 2020, 12:59:31 PM »

Quote from: Bodø on April 04, 2020, 12:56:14 PM

The French bakery had bread. When asked how I would like to take it home I said bag it.

Such a Pain too.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17591 on:** April 04, 2020, 01:01:45 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17592 on:** April 04, 2020, 01:02:41 PM »

Most of my jokes are like a steers horns.

A point here, a point there, with a lot of bull in between.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17593 on:** April 04, 2020, 01:05:42 PM »

I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road, when you are already at the posted speed limit.

I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they flash their lights or sound their siren.

Bodø · « **Reply #17594 on:** April 04, 2020, 01:08:13 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on April 04, 2020, 01:02:41 PM

Most of my jokes are like a steers horns.
A point here, a point there, with a lot of bull in between.

Oh deer !

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17595 on:** April 04, 2020, 01:10:47 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17596 on:** April 04, 2020, 03:08:35 PM »

Jess loved to date musicians
One night, she had a date with a trumpeter.
When she returned home, her housemate asked 'So was the trumpeter a potential keeper?'
'No' replied Jess 'His lips were so tight and dry. He was no fun to kiss'

The next night, she has a date with a tubist.
Again, Jess returns home, and her housemate asks 'Was the tubist a potential keeper?'
'No' replied Jess 'His lips were fat and slobbery. He was gross to kiss'

The next night, she has a date with a French horn player.
As usual, she returns home and her housemate asks how the French horn player was.
'Meh, he was okay to kiss' said Jess 'But I LOVED the way he held me...'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17597 on:** April 04, 2020, 05:04:42 PM »

Just something that happened a few minutes ago...

https://youtu.be/JHMK_56D_X0

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17598 on:** April 04, 2020, 06:55:08 PM »

A lighthouse was installed at an Alaskan cape near a remote Inuit village
The leader of the village opposed the installation, but the US government overruled him.

One foggy morning, the village leader said to his people, "I told you that thing no good.
Look at it: light flash, bell ring, horn go woo-woo. But fog come in, just like always."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17599 on:** April 04, 2020, 07:47:35 PM »

Two friends are in a bar when suddenly the towns fire siren sounds
One guy jumps up and heads for the door.

"I didn't know you were a fireman?" his friend says.

"I'm not," says the other, "but my girlfriend's husband is!"

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3053710 times)

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