Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

It's Grey Cup weekend in Vancouver... the Stampeders are playing the Argonauts at BC Place, and fans are flying in from all over the country to watch the game and join in the festivities.

It's kind of chaotic at the domestic arrivals terminal at YVR. Air Canada and WestJet flights are arriving from all over the country, bringing CFL fans from everywhere, many of whom are already fully dressed in their team's colours and partying it up.

An American couple is also there, having recently arrived to Vancouver to catch a cruise ship that's on a short, repositioning trip, and they have no idea what's going on. They're looking at all of the craziness around them, and spot a couple of Rider Nation fans, fully decked-out as only Roughrider fans can be; dressed in green and white from head to toe, faces painted green and white, horns, cowbells, the whole deal.

The puzzled wife says to her husband,

"I wonder where they're from?"

"No idea", he replies.

"Well, why don't you go ask?"

"Yeah, ok."

So the husband walks over to them and says...

"Excuse me, sir... my wife and I were just wondering... where you folks from?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan!", the man proudly announces.

The man goes back to his wife.

"What'd he say?", she asks.

"I don't know -- they don't speak English."

[Kev Murphy]

4 year old: "I wanna buy the the Ethernet."

Me: "Whaaaat?  What for?"

4 year old: "... to thee if I can catch the Ether Bunny!"

[Kev Murphy]

Is a prostitute who prefers the British pound as primary payment method a quid pro ho?

[Kev Murphy]

This crazy 'time travel' by changing the clocks doesn't work very well.

What happened to the extra hour of sleep they promised?

All it has done so far is cause me to awake too soon, and we have had an extra hour of rainfall already.

[Bodø]

Overnight the rest of South Australia brought their clocks in line with my computer and cameras.

I did expect to be waking an hour early but slept until the alarm went off so I did actually get an extra hour's kip for a change.  Mind you, I got bugger all the sleep the night before so probably just paid off that sleep debt.

[Kev Murphy]

New Human Relations Policy
Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be allowed to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All workers who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but maybe SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received these will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

The management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our SHIT (Special High-Intensity Training). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels that they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT that you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

[Kev Murphy]

A hot dog vendor sued a homeless man in court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] "Do you deny this?"

Homeless man: "No, your honor."

Judge: "Do you have any coins?"

Homeless man: "Just a few quarters, your Honor."

Judge: "Give them to me!".

Homeless man: "But ... Your Honor, it's all I have!"

Judge: "That may be so, but give me those coins now!"

Homeless man: "Very well." [hands over the coins]

Judge: [to the hot dog stand owner] "Pay close attention." [drops coins on the table]
"Did you hear that?"

Stand owner: "Yes, your Honor."

Judge: "Excellent. Take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat!!"

[Bodø]

Who saw that coming?  The judge was so close he could almost taste it.  Not me, touch wood.

^^^ Apologies... all this sitting at home is making me bored.  I need to get out.

[Kev Murphy]

Stay safe, Bodø

[Kev Murphy]

Nester absolutely loves horror stories. From ghost and apparitions, to science-fiction, he enjoys reading all of them. One day while he visits a newly-opened bookstore, he got a glimpse on a rather unusual-looking book. A thin, hard-covered novel with no title.

As he examined the book, the owner of the shop silently approached Nester, 'Young man, you have to be really careful with this book,' says the owner, 'The content you will read, is extremely frightening.'

Nester almost jumped when he heard the owner talking, because he was so focused on the book.
But with a grin on his face, he responded, 'the scarier the better.'

The owner smiled for a bit but then became serious again, 'Good for you, but my friend, remember this, no matter what you do... no matter what happens... do not... i repeat... DO NOT look at the last page of the book... it will traumatise you forever...'

Nester nods then they proceed to the payment, $250.

The first thing he does after leaving the bookstore, is to run home.
He locks the door, then enters his room, closes the curtain, then opens his new book.

And because of this curiosity, he immediately turned the book to the last page...

Five words were on that page...





















Recommended retail price, five dollars.

[Kev Murphy]

I just read the “Top Ten things to do before you die” list….


I’m surprised that 'Call triple zero' didn’t make the cut?

[Kev Murphy]

The teacher asked: "Can someone give an example of things that are useless?"

Little Johnny: *raises hand*

Teacher: "Very good. Any other examples?"

[Kev Murphy]

Name one thing that has done more for the environment, than Greta Thunberg!




Coronavirus

[Bodø]

How dare you?

[ruSTynutz]

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Bodø]

More like de-peed yourself.

[Kev Murphy]

Patient to his doctor: "I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?"

Doctor: "Yes, this is a well known illness, called Alzheimers, unfortunately it has no cure.
I’d also like to remind you about the $800 that you owe me."

[Kev Murphy]

My wife said there are two things that she hates about me.

1)I don't listen to her.
2)Something or other else.

[Bodø]

You listened long enough to hear the first.

[Kev Murphy]

... and that was too long.

[Kev Murphy]

I hired an odd-job man, and gave him a list of ten things to do.

He only did items 1,3,5,7, and 9.

He went 2 your place, then 4 play and 6 with your wife, 8 your food and charged you 10 times the price.

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Bodø]

So maybe you guys are even.