Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2927451 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16250 on: January 27, 2020, 09:17:32 AM »
The worst time to have a heart attack, is during a game of charades.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16251 on: January 27, 2020, 09:24:06 AM »
An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”

The antivaxer thinks and says, “I know there must be reasons, beyond our understanding, why evil is allowed to exist. But why on Earth do you allow the evil, corrupt system of vaccines to exist?!”

God shakes His head, patiently. “My child,” He says, “It is not evil to be mistaken. Which is to your benefit, because in this case, the mistake is yours. Just as so many people have tried to tell you over the years, vaccines are effective and far safer than the diseases they protect against. I give you My Word on that. Now, return, with My Peace upon you.”

Suddenly, the antivaxer is staring up at the ceiling of an operating room, as his heart starts beating on its own once more.

By the time he's able to receive visitors, the man is desperate to talk to his antivax friends, to let them know the vital truth he brought back from the other side. He calls them all and insisted that they be there at his side the very minute he's cleared to see anyone - he has huge, huge, HUGE news for them.

Finally, his friends are gathered around him, and he motions for them to gather close.
“It turns out,” he starts, “the vaccine conspiracy goes a LOT higher up than we thought…”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16252 on: January 27, 2020, 09:31:24 AM »
My friend Jack has recently started an odd behaviour.
Every time I see him he starts hissing.
And then he proceeds to let me down gently.
I'm tyred of his behaviour.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16253 on: January 27, 2020, 09:36:14 AM »
The Govt has a new holiday program for the mentally impaired.

They call it "The cognitive and behavioural fun time vacation, for people with ADHD"

(Cause apparently, "Concentration Camp" isn't politically correct)
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16254 on: January 27, 2020, 09:45:07 AM »
I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say, eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”

“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, slipping her hands in and out of the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”

“Will there be anything else?” the sales girl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.
“Now that you mention it,” I replied, “She also needs a new bra and panties.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16255 on: January 27, 2020, 09:53:40 AM »
A muslim woman is getting arrested.
As the police officer handcuffs her he says “You have the right to remain silent...”

... and she suddenly starts laughing!

The police officer questions her behaviour.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16256 on: January 27, 2020, 12:01:49 PM »
An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try.
He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results.
To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He gets very excited at how beautiful the leaves look. As a result, he doesn't notice that he's driving above the speed limit. Suddenly, blue and red lights go off behind him.

The man pulls over and waits for his punishment.

The Quebec policeman, having noticed the Ontario plates, walks up to the man's window and asks--with a very thick French accent, "Drivers license and registration, monsieur."

Nervous, the driver pulls out his license and hands it over to the policeman, who looks it over carefully.

Finally, the policeman says, "It says here you should be driving with glasses on! I will have to give you a ticket for this dangerous behaviour!"

The Ontario man, stuttering and stammering, says, "No, no, Mr. Officer, it's Ok, I have contacts."

The officer looks at him angrily and says:

"I don't care WHO you know!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16257 on: January 27, 2020, 12:05:58 PM »
Hillary Clinton was asked if Weinstein's behaviour compared to that of her husband's.

She said "Close, but no cigar."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16258 on: January 27, 2020, 12:12:49 PM »
I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Ingham's Chicken processing plant.

Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no..... it's just fowl behaviour.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16259 on: January 27, 2020, 12:15:49 PM »
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language and bad behaviour of the workers there, and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk to them about goodness, kindness and God.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"Hello brothers, do you men know Jesus Christ?

They shook their heads and looked at each other .. very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife's here with his lunch!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16260 on: January 27, 2020, 12:29:41 PM »
The teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”

Little Johnny says, “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”.

Little Johnny says, “Two elephants.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “A”.

Little Johnny says, “Another elephant!”

The teacher sends Johnny out of the class for bad behaviour.

After that she asks for an animal beginning with “C”.

Little Johnny shouts from the other side of the wall: “Could it be an elephant?”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16261 on: January 27, 2020, 12:43:24 PM »
A Professor started his class on a very serious Topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's name. No one answered.

The Professor put the chalk in his pocket saying: "Lecture ends right here.
Let me tell you a story to utilise the remaining time".

Everyone became interested.

"Last night I tried hard to sleep, but it was miles away from my eyes, so I thought I'd better get petrol in my car, which will save me time this morning, and might induce sleep. After having my tank full, I started roaming in that area, enjoying the peace of a traffic free ride.

Suddenly, on the corner I saw a girl who was as young and beautiful as the clothes she was wearing. Must have been returning from a party. Out of courtesy, I turned my car towards her and asked if I may be of any help. She asked me if I could drop her to her home, she'll be very obliged, to which I agreed.

She sat in the front seat with me. We started talking, and to my amazement she was very intelligent, had control on many topics which many youngsters don't.

When we reached her address, she admitted my courteous nature and behaviour, and accepted that she had fallen in love with me.

I also admitted her intelligence and beauty and that I also liked her. I told her about my job as a professor here at the university.

The girl asked my number, which I gave her willingly. Then she asked me a favour, to which i couldn't have denied naturally.

She said that her brother is a student right here in this university, and asked me to take care of him, since we'll be in a long relationship now.

I asked the name of the student. She said that I'll recognise him because of his very prominent annoyance, *He whistles a lot!*

All eyes in the classroom turned towards the boy who had whistled.

The professor said: "This proves to you that I didn't get my Ph.D in Psychology, just by sitting on my ass!!!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16262 on: January 27, 2020, 01:44:59 PM »
Diary Entries of a Married Couple
Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary, same day:

I only needed a seventeen-inch putt to win the game ... Who the hell misses a seventeen-inch putt?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16263 on: January 27, 2020, 01:59:14 PM »
Politicians and naked women both change their behaviour when being observed.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16264 on: January 27, 2020, 02:11:06 PM »
What about naked politicians?
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16265 on: January 27, 2020, 04:12:29 PM »
or naked female Politicians?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16266 on: January 27, 2020, 04:16:00 PM »
Either would be scarier than a haunted house. :eek :eek
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16267 on: January 27, 2020, 04:27:15 PM »
 :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16268 on: January 27, 2020, 04:28:31 PM »
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for a few months now, proving the country does not belong to China.


Because nothing, made in China, has ever lasted more than a couple of weeks.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16269 on: January 27, 2020, 05:06:49 PM »
Money talks.

Millionaire basketball hero and daughter die in helicopter crash ... hours and hours of repeated TV news coverage.

Volunteer Firefighters die ... ten minutes news snippet.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16270 on: January 27, 2020, 05:16:24 PM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16271 on: January 27, 2020, 07:39:26 PM »
The Govt has a new holiday program for the mentally impaired.

They call it "The cognitive and behavioural fun time vacation, for people with ADHD"

(Cause apparently, "Concentration Camp" isn't politically correct)

This cure for ADHD is less costly... https://youtu.be/MBEfHZITrgo  :thumbsup


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16272 on: January 27, 2020, 08:39:46 PM »
 :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16273 on: January 27, 2020, 08:40:16 PM »
I was cleaning the bugs off my bike with my friend...

Then he asked if I could use a sponge instead?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16274 on: January 27, 2020, 08:43:21 PM »
During the last week before the holidays, Jimmy fell asleep in class 3 times.

I don't think he is cut out to be a teacher.
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