Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds.

They’ve left no tern unstoned

[Kev Murphy]

LSD is a really effective weight loss drug, because how the hell are you supposed to eat when there’s a purple dragon guarding the fridge?

[Kev Murphy]

I cry every time I have sex.

I asked a doctor about this, but he said it's normal, pepper spray does that to everyone.

[Bodø]

I cry every time I have sex.
I asked a doctor about this, but he said it's normal, pepper spray does that to everyone.

If you want to hear a funny story about pepper spray ask Stnky Pete how snakes react to them next time you see him at an RTE.

[Kev Murphy]

Thanks Bodø, will do.

[Kev Murphy]

My wife just gave birth and she’s over the moon!
I,on the other hand, plan to sue the surgeon who did my vasectomy.

Not once did he mention that a mixed race baby was a possible side effect!

[Kev Murphy]

The US Government spent $365,000 to test the effect of cocaine on a mouses sex drive...

The study has been met with fierce criticism by laboratory guinea pigs.

The guinea pigs got done hard.  They had viagra tested on them.

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them?
Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are other natural features named after world-class companies?
(Like Microsoft Plains, The Reddit Sea, Instagram Peak, etc.?)

[Kev Murphy]

During a drug rehab session, an addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing crack. When you're addicted to crack you don't have an appetite."

The next addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing cocaine. I spent all my money and couldn't afford to eat."

The next addict shares, "I lost so much weight using meth. I lost all my teeth and and couldn't chew solid food."

The last addict shares, "I lost so much weight using Viagra."

The other addicts looked at him oddly, and asked, "How does using Viagra cause you lose weight ?"

The addict responds, "Who the hell has time to eat?!!"

[Kev Murphy]

My ex mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself, on how to be even more vicious.


I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him tho.

[Kev Murphy]

An old man in a wheelchair attended a Faith Healing session.

After a prayer, the preacher said "Stand up and walk"

The old man proceeded to stand up from his wheelchair, and slowly walked.
The shocked crowd yelled in praise.
The preacher asked him: "How are you feeling now?"
The old man replied: "I still can't see"

[Kev Murphy]

Such a shame about tomorrow's session on Prophecies.

It was cancelled, due to unforeseen circumstances.

[Kev Murphy]

What's the difference between ScoMo and his autobiography?

The book has a spine.

[Kev Murphy]

How do Political parties choose their next leader?

A succession suck session.

The good old knife in the back is still the preferred method of de-seating the current leader.

[Kev Murphy]

What's the difference between a jeweller, a jailer, and a pot of glue?

One sells watches, while the other watches cells.



And the pot of glue?

Well, I thought you would get stuck on that one.

[Kev Murphy]

A woman went to an artist to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist that she wants him to paint her wearing lots expensive jewellery.
Diamonds, gold, pearls, Etc.

The artist said, "But you aren't wearing any."

She replied, "I know. I don't own any either.
But when I die, my husband is the kind of man that will get remarried right away,
and I want to drive his new wife crazy looking for the jewels!"

[Kev Murphy]

TV shows like MKR are totally wasted on TV, until they introduce 'Taste o vision', or at least 'Smello vision'

[Kev Murphy]

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

[Kev Murphy]

The King asks a commoner...
"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."

"I will need a couple days first."  replies the commoner

"To think it over?" asks His Majesty.

"No - to fatten her up."

[Kev Murphy]

The Lord of the Manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected.
He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Reginald Carpley.

The irate Lord stood stiffly, and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity.

With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend:

"And as for you, Reggie -- you might at least have the decency to pause while I'm speaking!!"

[Kev Murphy]

A wealthy Texan's son is getting married...
...and his son asks if he can give his deceased mother's ring to his bride.
His father is all for this, and someone suggested that he have the ring appraised for insurance purposes.

The father has a lady friend who is a professional appraiser, so he invited her to look at the ring.
She agreed, and said that her "fee" will be a supper at a very nice Dallas restaurant.

After dessert, they are lingering over coffee; he presents the ring to his lady friend, she opened the box and took out her jeweller's loupe, carefully examined it for awhile...

...then put it back in the box and returned it to him...

...and at the next table, someone exclaimed, "My God, I've heard these Texas women were picky, but THAT takes the freaking cake!"

[Kev Murphy]

Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No-one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic, press 69696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please hang up and try your call again later.

If you have low self-esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

[NTRebel]

That sounds like trying to ring NBNco or Telstra press this button and a robot will tell which button to press next.