Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2923580 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17750 on: April 10, 2020, 01:58:36 PM »
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Deport him and it's someone elses problem."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17751 on: April 10, 2020, 04:26:32 PM »
Boris Johnson is said to be in 'extremely good spirits' since being moved from ICU.


No details of alcoholic content have yet been released.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17752 on: April 10, 2020, 04:41:00 PM »
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote “Revelations 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned.
Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: “Genesis 3:10”.

When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.

Revelations 3:20 reads “behold, I stand at the door and knock”. Genesis 3:10 says, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17753 on: April 10, 2020, 05:04:23 PM »
My pet pig had blisters

The vet said the best treatment is to vigorously rub salt into his skin, in order to draw out the excess moisture.

He's now cured.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17754 on: April 11, 2020, 12:47:15 AM »
A Muslim schoolgirl complained that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country, she could wear a veil to her heart's content.
She wouldn't be allowed to attend school there, anyway.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17755 on: April 11, 2020, 01:54:18 AM »
I was recently the victim of a drone attack.

I forgot to wear my beekeepers veil.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17756 on: April 11, 2020, 01:59:54 AM »
The groom asked the priest how much they owe him for the ceremony.

The priest replied "There's no fixed scale, but you can always make a donation based on, for example, the beauty of the bride?"

The groom looked awkwardly around, and gave the priest a dollar.

The priest went to the bride and lifted her veil.

After a moment he then returned to the groom, and handed 85 cents back.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17757 on: April 11, 2020, 10:07:21 AM »
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Online Brock

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17758 on: April 11, 2020, 11:44:39 AM »
Inflammatory posts have been removed.

Keep the tempers under check guys, or the thread will be locked, and or miscreants given a time out.
Brock
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17759 on: April 11, 2020, 01:29:19 PM »
A lot of people are afraid of heights.

Not me, I'm afraid of widths!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17760 on: April 11, 2020, 01:32:27 PM »
When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft.
Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft.

Because of this, some say he was the first man to place two feet on the summit of Everest.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17761 on: April 11, 2020, 01:36:29 PM »

A little gnome fact ... The average height of a dwarf is about 3 feet.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17762 on: April 11, 2020, 01:40:47 PM »
My girlfriend is very short, and she gets fed up with me for making fun of her height.
So tonight I’m going to make it up to her.

I’ve got a good bottle of wine, and a DVD box set of her favourite TV show.

When she gets in from work, I’m going to order her favourite take-away, which we’ll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.

Then afterwards I’m going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot bathroom sink.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17763 on: April 11, 2020, 02:23:52 PM »
I wonder if Trump will ever learn how to speak WITH people, instead of talking AT them?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17764 on: April 11, 2020, 02:27:55 PM »
A woman to the doctor...

Doctor: "It's possible you have a weight problem..."

Woman: "I'm really worried about my height, not my weight"

Doctor: "Why?"

Woman: "According to my weight, I should be eight feet four tall!''
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17765 on: April 11, 2020, 04:23:29 PM »
One day Trump was walking along a narrow alleyway, when he came face to face with Putin.

The alley was too narrow for the two to pass.

Trump, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for bombastic fools!"

Smiling, Putin stepped aside and said,

"I always do."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17766 on: April 11, 2020, 04:30:11 PM »
In maths class, a boy is asked how high he thinks the school is.
Boy: "I reckon about 4'8"
Teacher: "That is utterly ridiculous! How do you get this idea"
Boy: "Well I'm 5', and I have had it up to here with this crap!"
Of course, he gets kicked out of class.

He is sitting in the yard the Principal came by and asks "What's up?"
Boy: "I got kicked out for guessing the schools height wrong"
Principal: "I don't believe that.... How tall do you guess I am?"
Boy: "About 6'2 "
Principal: "Correct. On the spot. How did you know that?"
Boy: "Well my brother is only half an idiot, and he's 3'1"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17767 on: April 11, 2020, 04:50:57 PM »
A bloke took his blonde wife out to hunt ducks.

He shot at a flying duck, and it fell dead at his feet.

‘You could have saved yourself a shot there,’ said his wife.
‘From that height, the fall alone would have killed it!’
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17768 on: April 12, 2020, 02:04:20 PM »
Flat earthers are the most self centered people.

They actually think the universe revolves around them.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17769 on: April 12, 2020, 02:07:43 PM »
I am absolutely exhausted after my French self-defence class.

I've never run so far in my life.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17770 on: April 12, 2020, 02:10:47 PM »
The local convent has no security around the building, so I helped my self.

No 'fence.

Nun taken.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17771 on: April 12, 2020, 02:15:19 PM »
I heard the counselling course for self-harmers is fully booked.

Those who missed out are kicking themselves.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17772 on: April 12, 2020, 02:20:49 PM »
Many moons ago I learned that dropping your trousers is a terrible way to begin a job interview.
.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17773 on: April 12, 2020, 06:05:28 PM »
A friend of mine who was a police officer invited me along for a ride.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know."

He pulled the guy over, went up to him and said "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while, and not once did you speed, change lanes without signalling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this, so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving."

The guy looked up at him and slurred: "Well, you jush godda be exra careful w'en you're drunk as a shkunk."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17774 on: April 12, 2020, 07:47:23 PM »
Someone threw a huge bottle of Omega 3 pills at me last night.

I'm fine though, only super fish oil injuries.
Shillas :13Candy

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