Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3068447 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29075 on:** April 09, 2021, 08:38:12 PM »

A farm boy arrives late for school one day.
"Why are you late?" asks the teacher.

"I had to take the bull down to the field to mate with the cow," explains the boy.

"Couldn't your dad have done that?" asks the teacher.

"He could have," replies the boy. "But I think the bull did a better job than he could."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29076 on:** April 09, 2021, 08:39:41 PM »

My mates called me stingy, so I decided to buy them a beer...

Then they complained that they wanted 1 each.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29077 on:** April 09, 2021, 08:40:47 PM »

Donald Trump would be the best jail inmate.

He'd never let you finish a sentence...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29078 on:** April 09, 2021, 08:44:24 PM »

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold.
A Passer by pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29079 on:** April 09, 2021, 08:46:06 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29080 on:** April 09, 2021, 08:46:43 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29081 on:** April 10, 2021, 01:49:23 AM »

Two friends met at a traffic light.
One has a new Mercedes S550L, the other has a beaten up old VW beetle.
The VW guy tells his friend that he has something to show off to him.

They drive to a nearby car park.

The VW driver opens his glovebox, and whips out a lamp. He gives it a buff, and a genie pops up.

He tells the genie, "Please, can you grant me a couple of hot coffees?"

The genie obliges.

The beetle driver asks his friend "Wanna swap this for your Merc?"

Merc driver stares at genie in amazement before saying, "I gotta have that!, take my car and I will take the lamp!"

He carries the lamp home, gives it a rub and asks the genie to grant him $10 million in cash, and the latest Mercedes in a different colour.

After hearing that, the genie replies with, "Sorry, I can only grant hot coffees."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29082 on:** April 10, 2021, 02:50:45 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29083 on:** April 10, 2021, 02:57:42 AM »

Men throw insults at each other, but they don't really mean them.

Women compliment each other, but they don't mean it either.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29084 on:** April 10, 2021, 02:58:35 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29085 on:** April 10, 2021, 02:59:11 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29086 on:** April 10, 2021, 07:58:50 AM »

So I was in the pub and mate who's a thief came up to me and said: "I just robbed a place, and got two pictures. One is worth 1.5 million, and the other is worth 2.5 million.
Come to my van and have look at them!"

So we went out to his van and he showed me the two pictures.

I said "Ya clown!!! .... You just robbed a real estate agent."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29087 on:** April 10, 2021, 08:08:45 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29088 on:** April 10, 2021, 08:10:43 AM »

Just made a bet with my buddy about which of us would get married first

He said “May the best man win!”

I said “I’m not sure that’s how this works, mate.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29089 on:** April 10, 2021, 08:26:30 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29090 on:** April 10, 2021, 08:34:41 AM »

The wind whispered insults in my ear today.

It was - diss gusting

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29091 on:** April 10, 2021, 08:57:52 AM »

A sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot, and a corrupt businessman walk into a golf course...
"Welcome back Mr. Trump" said the door man.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #29092 on:** April 10, 2021, 09:03:54 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29093 on:** April 10, 2021, 09:12:49 AM »

Tony Hancock is a friend of mine, but we call him 'appendages'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29094 on:** April 10, 2021, 01:40:33 PM »

A husband & wife visited a farm. They saw a bull mating with a cow.
The wife asked the farm manager.
Wife: "How many times does a bull mate a day?"
Manager replied: "6 times a day."
The wife looked at her husband & said ".... You see! Why can't you do that?"

Then the husband asked the manager...
Husband: "U mean 6 times a day, with the same cow?"
Manager replied: "No, no, with different cows everyday."
Husband looked at his wife & said: " ....You see? You really want me to try that?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29095 on:** April 10, 2021, 01:51:06 PM »

Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $20 a time for sex!"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not too bad mate, she charges us $100 each!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29096 on:** April 10, 2021, 01:53:14 PM »

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29097 on:** April 10, 2021, 01:54:18 PM »

I hate how politically correct things are these days.
You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!"
Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped.
So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over.
Same guy got offended.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29098 on:** April 10, 2021, 02:20:05 PM »

I think my mop wants to kill me....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29099 on:** April 10, 2021, 03:45:04 PM »

Hoo boy! What a day! ... had a lady who rang, asked me if I still worked for (Ex employer, who closed his business in 2014)
I said "No, I retired 11 years ago"
She then asked if I could do some electrical work on her home? From memory, this house was built around 1997-1998?
I said "No, I retired 11 years ago"
She said "But you did all the work on my home when it was built, surely you can make some alterations for me?"
I said "No, I retired 11 years ago, I am no longer licenced to do any electrical work."
Then she tried "But the power points are not working properly, and sometimes fail because there's a water leak somewhere?"
I said "Well, you need a plumber to find and fix the leak first, there's nothing that I can do to fix anything electrical, until the water leak is repaired."
She said "Oh, then you WILL come and fix it then?"
I said "No, I retired 11 years ago"
She started off again, so I said "Bye!" and dropped the call.
Am I an a-hole for doing this??

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3068447 times)