Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3060689 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17475 on:** March 29, 2020, 03:03:56 PM »

A man and his wife are at a restaurant...
The wife leaves for the bathroom, and a short while later the waiter arrives.

'What would you like, sir?' he asks.

'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies.

'Oh, well, do you know what she's having?'

The man replies, 'Well it's been about 10 minutes, so probably a crap!'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17476 on:** March 29, 2020, 03:06:01 PM »

No Coles, Bodø. We have Woolies, IGA, and ALDI, but the shelves are empty.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #17477 on:** March 29, 2020, 03:54:08 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on March 29, 2020, 02:55:47 PM

I had to ride all the way to Hamilton (180 km round trip) just to buy cat litter yesterday!

Thankfully we "hoarded" a few bags of kitty litter...

As for empty shelves, that's been the norm here...not helped, apparently by busloads of people from the big smoke descending on our little supermarkets and clearing them out of many "essentials"...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17478 on:** March 29, 2020, 04:05:56 PM »

There's one helluva difference between a 'Supreme' politician who is paid $15,000 per fortnight, (plus many other financial perks), and unemployed people who now get paid $500 per fortnight plus new benefits, and aged pensioners on under a thousand dollars per fortnight. Its extremely hard for ordinary people to even BUY necessities, when the shelves are empty?
Plus when all this is over, many of the recently unemployed will have jobs to go back to, unlike us aged pensioners.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17479 on:** March 29, 2020, 06:01:48 PM »

Finnish is such a beautiful language.
There's a word, Kalsarikännit, which basically means 'getting drunk in your underwear'.
This tells you all you need to know about Finland, and my current state of affairs.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17480 on:** March 29, 2020, 06:07:33 PM »

Never buy Soviet underwear,

'Cause Chernobyl fallout

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17481 on:** March 30, 2020, 02:45:43 AM »

100 year old lady is asked her secret to longevity.

"Well, for a good digestion, I drink beer. If I don't have an appetite, I drink white wine.
If my blood pressure is low, I drink red wine. When I have a cold, I drink whiskey. "

"And water, when do you drink water?"

"I've never been that ill? "

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17482 on:** March 30, 2020, 02:47:48 AM »

A rare, six-foot flower that smells like rotting corpses has bloomed in an Ohio conservatory.

Hallmark is already selling a bouquet of these giant corpse flowers for Mother-in-Law's Day.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17483 on:** March 30, 2020, 02:50:30 AM »

Paul McCartney revealed a rare Beatles track during a concert.
The track is a tune that he wrote at the ripe old age of 70 called "Norwegian Wood (This Scandinavian Viagra Actually Works)"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17484 on:** March 30, 2020, 02:52:14 AM »

Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show.

Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17485 on:** March 30, 2020, 06:35:00 AM »

Important copyright notice

Remember, if you sing "Happy Birthday" to the Queen, it is still *not* royalty-free.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17486 on:** March 30, 2020, 09:42:29 AM »

Donald Trump contacted a man who had won the lottery to congratulate him.

"How much did you win?" he asked.

The guy excitedly replied "A little over 75 million dollars!"

"And what will you do with all that cash?" queried Donald.

"Well, I am going to donate a quarter of it to your re-election campaign!" he replied.

Donald had a smug look on his face, and said "That's very generous of you!"

Four days later, Donald received an envelope in the post containing 25 cents.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17487 on:** March 30, 2020, 10:09:55 AM »

Congratulations to this 26 year old mum of four, who is home-teaching her children during the pandemic.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17488 on:** March 30, 2020, 03:40:58 PM »

A Nazi Bigwig is on a diplomatic trip through Switzerland and notices a large government building.
He asks his guide what agency it is.

The guide replies: "It's the head quarters of the marines"

The Nazi is surprised and laughs. "Why does Switzerland need a ministry of marines for?"

The guide retorts: "Why does Germany need a ministry of justice for?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17489 on:** March 30, 2020, 05:18:18 PM »

I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp.

It beats telling them I'm a cashier at McDonald's.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17490 on:** March 30, 2020, 05:20:57 PM »

Three priests we’re traveling to Pittsburgh
The leader says to the first priest, take this money to the counter and get us three tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.

The first priest heads to the counter and sees an absolutely stunning beautiful girl - wearing a tight thin t-shirt that reveals very clearly her amazing breasts.

He says - “May I have three pickets to titsburgh and...” realizing what he said embarrassingly leaves without the tickets.

The lead priest asks what happened but he was too ashamed to say, so he says to the second...go to the counter, get us 3 tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.

The second priest goes to the counter and seeing the same remarkable and glorious scene says “please give me 3 tickets to Pittsburgh and provide the change in nipples and di...” and embarrassingly leaves.

The lead priest getting no explanation again decides to do the job himself.

He arrives at the window, and upon gazing upon the voluptuousness and perfection, says “I’d like 3 tickets to Pittsburgh, and I’d like the change in nickels and dimes.”

She completes the transaction, and he turns to leave...but turns back to say “Miss, may I just say the way you’re presenting yourself here on earth, when you get to heaven, St. Finger’s going to shake his Peter at you”

Shillas · « **Reply #17491 on:** March 30, 2020, 08:56:30 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17492 on:** March 30, 2020, 10:54:59 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17493 on:** March 31, 2020, 01:40:37 AM »

Coronavirus is all one word because they didn’t want to spread it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17494 on:** March 31, 2020, 09:04:22 AM »

My friend from Italy was visiting & asked to use the restroom.
His English isn’t very good, so from the other room he called out, “What’sa the word for what I’ma do?”
I replied 'European.'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17495 on:** March 31, 2020, 09:23:50 AM »

The word QUEUE is ironic.

It just a single audible letter, with a whole bunch of impatient silent letters waiting in line behind it,

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17496 on:** March 31, 2020, 09:54:09 AM »

Hey Russ? ... I see the Herald Sun is offering 4 weeks free subscription at the moment.

They just don't realise the worthlessness of their publication, being as its even useless as toilet paper!

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #17497 on:** March 31, 2020, 11:40:24 AM »

I still don't think I'd bother even if it WAS useful for toilet paper on principal as the paper is blatantly anti-motorcycling...

Bodø · « **Reply #17498 on:** March 31, 2020, 12:38:18 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on March 30, 2020, 03:40:58 PM

A Nazi Bigwig is on a diplomatic trip through Switzerland and notices a large government building.
He asks his guide what agency it is.

The guide replies: "It's the head quarters of the marines"

The Nazi is surprised and laughs. "Why does Switzerland need a ministry of marines for?"

The guide retorts: "Why does Germany need a ministry of justice for?"

The marines are for Lake Geneva.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17499 on:** March 31, 2020, 01:17:58 PM »

Yep! Been there, met my first wife in Vallorbe in 1969, she was born in Lausanne.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3060689 times)

Bodø