Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Going stir crazy sitting at home. Decided to go fishing.
Had the whole breakwater to myself for almost an hour without even a nibble.
Then a cop car pulled up.

Two cops got out and informed me that what I was doing is illegal, as the only reason we are allowed out of home is for Medical, shopping, exercise, or to go to work.

Think fast, Murphy!! ... I replied "Well, this is an exercise activity, and as there is not a fish and chip shop open in town, it is also a 'shopping trip' as well, to put food on the table."
A very compliant fish took my bait at that very moment, and I hauled it in right in front of them, and then said "By the way, YOU are breaking the law yourselves, as it is illegal to have more than two people in a gathering, and YOU two approached ME!"

They returned to the patrol car and had to drive all the way to the end of the breakwater to turn around.

I packed up my gear, loaded the fish into a plastic bag in the pannier, did a U-turn on the bike and was way in front of them as I left and came home to cook half of my nice fresh fish and some chips for dinner tonight.
Will cook the other half tomorrow. Time out now while I have my meal.

[ruSTynutz]

Good one, Kev! 

I've worked out how I can get the occasional ride in, Kev...well, besides doing the shopping on the bike...
I'm a blood donor and I'm actually scheduled to donate next week, assuming I'm well enough.
Unfortunately that's only at the next town at a mobile donor van.
The best part though is they only do whole blood...so donating plasma (which I also donate fairly regularly) is not an option there.

So, If I want to donate plasma I have to travel around an hour (each way)....what a bugger, hey? 
Best part is you can donate plasma every 2 weeks...

[Kev Murphy]

  I used to be a blood donor Russ, but that ceased when I moved to Portland as I had to travel to Warrnambool where they have the closest facility, and it was only available during my working hours.

So did I until I moved to Brisbane.  I did it regularly in Japan when they sent me a reminder.  Then I moved to Cairns and when a donor caravan come to my local shopping centre for a week every three months.  On every occasion I just walked in, gave details and it wasn't a problem, same in Japan.  Then when I moved to Brisbane a similar van arrived at the local shopping centre so I walked on in.  I was asked if I had an appointment.  I said no and was told to leave.  I've never bothered since.

[Kev Murphy]

A woman was stung by a bee on the forehead.
She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily, her husband was close enough to hit the bee with a shovel.

[Kev Murphy]

Chatting to my mates (almost 25 year old) son earlier this evening, he has the misconception that his father is 'middle aged', at 51.

Came as a rude shock to him when I informed him that 'middle age', as in my own fathers case, was less than 27 years.

He sat silently for several minutes while he absorbed this.

[Kev Murphy]

Grandma is seeing that her grandchild, a young woman, is getting ready to go out, dressing up nicely and being all nervous.
So she asked her grandchild about her plans.
"Why, I am going out on my first date with a handsome young fella, Grandma! I am so excited!"

The Grandma raised her eyebrows, shook her head and said with a concerned voice: "My child, watch yourself – all men are the same!
He will take you out for drinks, he will give you sweet compliments, touch your hand, caress your hair and buy you another drink.
Then he'll bring you to his place, just for a coffee and to listen to music, so he'll say – yet he'll give you another drink, blow softly in your ear, tug at your dress strap and before you know you'll be undressed – he'll jump you and dishonour your entire family!"

"Oh Grandma, don't be so dramatic!" the young woman exclaimed, and off she went.

The next day, the young woman went to find her Grandma excitedly. "Grandma! Grandma, you were right, all men are the same!"

"Oh no dear, what happened?!" the Grandma exclaimed.

The young woman went "Oh Grandma, it was like you said – He took me out for drinks, he gave me the sweetest compliments, touched my hand, caressed my hair and bought me another drink.
Then he brought me to his place, just for a coffee and to listen to music, or so he said – yet he gave me another drink, blew softly in my ear, tugged at my dress strap and before I knew I was undressed."

The Grandma gasped.

"But Grandma, don't worry, because right then – I jumped on HIM and dishonoured HIS entire family!"

[Kev Murphy]

A rich man died and went to Heaven.
He stood at the pearly gates, waiting his turn to talk to St. Peter.
He noticed a sign that said you can bring one briefcase full of anything you want from Earth.
He noticed a stack of empty briefcases to the side, and picked one up.

When the rich man got to St Peter, the saint acknowledged him and told him that all he had to do was imagine what he wanted and it would show up in the briefcase.
The man already knew what he wanted, so it only took a second for the briefcase to be filled to the brim with gold bars, all stamped with 24k on them.

Peter looked at the rich man and raised an eyebrow.

"That's fine if that's what you want, but I gotta ask, why are you bringing pavement?"

[ruSTynutz]

Seeing as we're on page 710 I thought it was appropriate to post this "oldie"... 

[Kev Murphy]

Maybe she should have gone across the road, they claim to sell almost everything?

[Kev Murphy]

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when you can't see it.

[Bodø]

[Kev Murphy]

Morning Bodø, have a great day!

[Kev Murphy]

Now that's the type of spider I enjoy looking at.

[Bodø]

I'm not a big fan of soda drinks.  Just about to walk out the door for another shift.

[Kev Murphy]

Can't even leave the house here without 'big brother' watching.

Going to sneak across to the supermarket as soon as it opens to get some milk.

[Bodø]

Tell them you have to go to Hamilton to get cat food.   

[Bodø]

I don't think we have those laws yet.

[Kev Murphy]

Would a spider in the Middle East be called an Iraqnid?

[Kev Murphy]

Standing at the bar, I had just finished my beer and put the glass down.

Barman said "Would you like another?"

I replied "Same again, thanks."

Smartass put another empty glass next to mine.

[STeveo]

 

[Kev Murphy]

There are so many things I like about horses, but my favourite is all that hair growing from their neck.

That’s the mane thing.

[Kev Murphy]

An old man is dying, and he tells his wife he wants to be buried at sea.
When he has passed, his widow decides to ask her blonde sister to go to the beach with her to fulfil her late husbands request. They rent a boat and go out about 100 yards from the shore.
The widow asks "is it deep enough yet?".
The sister gets into the water, it's only up to her waist. She replies "Not deep enough, we'll have to go out farther".

They go out a little farther and again the widow asks "Is it deep enough now?".
The sister gets in, and the water is now up to her neck. She says "No, still not deep enough".

They go out farther, and the blonde gets into the water again.
She disappears for about 30 seconds before finally coming back up.
"Okay, it's deep enough now.", she says, "Pass me the shovel."

[Bodø]

There are so many things I like about horses, but my favourite is all that hair growing from their neck.
That’s the mane thing.

The legs are pretty awesome too.  They know how to hoof it.

[Kev Murphy]

My wife said  "I woke up with a pain in the neck."

I replied 'So did I!'