Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3073810 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17825 on: April 16, 2020, 04:04:21 AM »
New York State developed its own hand sanitizer to combat COVID.

They filled small bottles with water from the Hudson River.
That stuff can kill anything.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17826 on: April 16, 2020, 04:12:34 AM »
When I get older, I prefer Parkinsons disease over Alzheimers.

With Alzheimers I will forget my daily bottle of wine.
With Parkinson's I will only spill half of it.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17827 on: April 16, 2020, 04:15:34 AM »
Englishman, bragging. “My grandfather lived for 96 years, and never needed glasses”

Russian: "Many people in my family also drink directly from the bottle"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17828 on: April 16, 2020, 04:18:55 AM »
In this current time, cats like empty bottles.

I'm probably gonna die of boredom, surrounded by both.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17829 on: April 16, 2020, 04:28:33 AM »
HUSBAND: "I hate to say this, but your swimming costume is quite tight and revealing."

WIFE: "Well, wear your own then."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17830 on: April 16, 2020, 05:47:01 AM »
There was a bull-ant on the driveway. I put a sugar cube in his path.
When he discovered it, he attempted to move it but it was just too much for one lonely ant.
He headed back to the nest for assistance.

I removed the sugar cube, and mopped the area to remove all traces of the sugar.

There are hundreds of ants all over the driveway, and they are convinced that the original ant is a freaking liar!!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17831 on: April 16, 2020, 05:57:00 AM »
I took a dip in the swimming pool.
When the lifeguard saw me, he called..

"What have you got there?"

I replied, "Hummus!",
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17832 on: April 16, 2020, 12:38:05 PM »
To all those vegans out there.... don't forget that you were raised on milk from birth....
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17833 on: April 16, 2020, 01:30:09 PM »
In times of boredom, I get creative...

https://youtu.be/7ayq8oHAAv0
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17834 on: April 16, 2020, 02:35:04 PM »
A Peaceful Place

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.
So clear, you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under water.



There now... feeling better?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17835 on: April 16, 2020, 02:45:52 PM »
A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with.
She said to the three men, "We are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, I'll see you when you return."

So the first guy went to Europe and toured the different countries there.

The second guy went to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and New Zealand, basically went everywhere.

The third guy didn't leave home.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy said, "I went to all the countries in Europe, and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites. I spent almost all of my available resources, but it was worth it!"

The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children, and Australia where I fought a stingray and survived. I toured New Zealand where I went Skiing and bungee jumping. It cost me over $400k, but it was well worth it, and that cost is only a drop in the bucket to my finances."

The third guy who didn't go anywhere circled the woman once, stopped in front of her and took hold of her  hands. He drops to one knee, "I've just travelled around the whole world, because you are my whole world!"

Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional, and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. “

After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make the obvious choice...

She then chose the second guy, the one with the most money.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17836 on: April 16, 2020, 02:50:48 PM »
I sent my kids to a Youth in Asia camp.


Still waiting for them to tell me they've arrived?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17837 on: April 16, 2020, 02:53:33 PM »
I’m still disoriented after returning from a tour of Asia ...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17838 on: April 16, 2020, 02:58:55 PM »
I went to a concert in Malaysia, but I didn't really enjoy it.

The band was pretty good, but the singer poor.
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Offline Brock

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17839 on: April 16, 2020, 03:27:44 PM »
Quote
but the singer poor.

That is so bad, you are going to the Norty Corner for 20 minutes.. That will feel like a week to you..   :grin :grin :grin

 :popcorn :beer
Brock
Asian Correspondent
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17840 on: April 16, 2020, 03:29:01 PM »
 :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17841 on: April 16, 2020, 04:59:02 PM »
When North Koreans have an erection, are they allowed to vote?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17842 on: April 16, 2020, 05:01:39 PM »
I have proof that my camera was manufactured in Asia.

Every time I take a photo, it goes 'CRICK!'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17843 on: April 16, 2020, 11:19:14 PM »
Trump is so confused. Does everything backwards.


He made the swamp great again, and drained America.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17844 on: April 17, 2020, 06:10:50 AM »
I was at a restaurant last night, when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed ... well, everyone except one guy.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17845 on: April 17, 2020, 08:32:50 AM »
Waitress: "Wow, you eat really fast!"

Me: "That's because I come from a large family."

Waitress: "Yeah? How many siblings do you have?"

Me: "None. My parents are just super obese."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17846 on: April 17, 2020, 08:43:18 AM »
I waved the waitress over to my table.

I said, "Could you get the bill for me?"

She said, "Absolutely!"

I said, "Thanks. I'm kinda broke this week."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17847 on: April 17, 2020, 08:51:26 AM »
I ordered a large meal at the takeaway.

The girl at the desk asked "You wanna box for your meal?"

"Nah, but I will wrestle you for it!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17848 on: April 17, 2020, 09:27:21 AM »
Bar owner confronts the bartender.

Owner: "Have you been sleeping with the cook?"

Bartender: "Hell no!"

Owner: "Good, then YOU fire her!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17849 on: April 17, 2020, 11:39:57 AM »
An old couple enters a cafe in Normandy, overlooking the beach.
The couple are clearly tourists, and as the couple sits down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.

After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the war and lost his leg and most of his hearing on the beach, not far from here during the landing at Normandy.

Upon hearing this the waitress rushes to the kitchen without taking their order, only to show up again moments later with a laden service tray and starts to put sandwiches, pancakes, cakes as well as 2 cups of coffee on the table. Confused the elderly lady tells the waitress that they didn't order this, and don't have enough money with them to pay for all of this.

"Don't worry miss, I spoke with my boss and since your husband lost his leg while fighting in the war, all of this is free."

The woman smiles in gratitude and leans towards her husband to repeat what the waitress just said directly into his ear ,after which he started smiling as well, shakes the waitress hand in gratitude, and says:

"Vielen dank, das ist sehr nett von dir!"
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