OzSTOC
No Parking Zone! => Off Topic, Off Colour, and non-motorcycle related => Topic started by: Sabie on August 15, 2013, 12:00:50 AM
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Post your best Irish Joke here
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One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"
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An Irish priest is driving down the coast and gets stopped for speeding in Brisbane. The copper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The copper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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:thumb :thumbsup
I think we must visit the same cyber space sites.... The 10 best????? :crackup
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:clap :clap :clap
But I made it a little bit aussie :wink1 :grin :thumbsup
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Angus McEwan was very fond of the drink and one night while walking home, passed out in the middle of the street. Along came Molly Malone and saw Angus lying in the street. She walked up to Angus and whispered in his ear, "Angus I have been watching you and to let you know that I have been watching you, I am going to give you something to remember me by". She pulled out a blue ribbon from her hair and tied it around Angus's twig and berries and soon she was on her way. A half an hour later, Angus woke up and stumble home the rest of the way. When he arrived at home, he went to the head and pulled out his unit to find the blue ribbon tied nicely around his johnson. Angus stated, "Laddie, I don't know where you been, but you won first prize".
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Irish:
Weather forecasting
(http://i1308.photobucket.com/albums/s616/_gregorypb/fae6dbdacfbca0903577a249e525b311_zps3a92d513.jpg)
Virus
(http://i1308.photobucket.com/albums/s616/_gregorypb/249b06c6468bdcd8bbfa543d3436ecaa_zpsf66f93a2.jpg)
Paramedics
(http://i1308.photobucket.com/albums/s616/_gregorypb/16ac15024ffa2f75b364d9846ee371b2_zpsdb8f437c.jpg)
Terrier
[size=78%](http://i1308.photobucket.com/albums/s616/_gregorypb/d1aafad4f2598530fddfffd3ab94baf1_zps4da61507.jpg)[/size]
Wisdom
(http://i1308.photobucket.com/albums/s616/_gregorypb/4d02a3bc1f505d04e9192c551d2a09a2_zpsa27e0085.jpg)
Equality
(http://i1308.photobucket.com/albums/s616/_gregorypb/f085a3f2dbaac5f7f71c6309b8bb09ff_zps93d99c51.jpg)
Workmen
(http://i1308.photobucket.com/albums/s616/_gregorypb/5ee662ad6d3ebcffd818b2ac073793ee_zps692a1d77.jpg)
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Paddy and Shamus live in a flat in Liverpool together.
One day Paddy goes shopping and brings back to the flat 24 cases of Guinness and a loaf of bread.
Shamus says to Paddy "Are we having a party?"
Paddy replies "No, we're not having a party, why?"
Shamus says, "If we are not having a party, what the hell did you buy the bread for?????"
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That last pic with the bollards is a classic sight gag.
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Murphy's mother-in-law was walking around the farm, when his mule attacked her and she died. Five hundred people, mostly men, turned up for the funeral. After the funeral, Fr. O'Toole said to Murphy, "I never realised how popular your mother-in-law was. Imagine, five hundred people here for her funeral." Murphy said, "Father, they're not here for the funeral. They're here to buy the mule."
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Paddy and Shamus have been out drinking for most of the night and are royally drunk...as usual. As they are walking home they pass the Bus Depot and Shamus says to Paddy "I tell you what, lets steal a bus and drive it home, save us walking!!
Paddy says, "What a dammed good idea" and immediately climbs the fence to steal a Bus.
About 10 minutes later he climbs back over the fence out to where Shamus is waiting.
Shamus says "What the hell is the matter, why haven't you got a bus to go home in?"
Paddy replies "I couldn't find a Number 9 to steal!"
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:grin
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:grin
Hey that works......That's a cool trick .... :fp
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Tried it on my 16 yo, blonde daughter. There was a 10 second pause and then a slow grin came across her face. Love blonde daughters. :thumb
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Yeah sure... Mum's Red Head and Daughter is Auburn ... Ya don't even try.....
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An Irish blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."
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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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An Irishman goes to a carpenter. "Can you build me a box dat's two inches deep, two inches wide and 50 feet long?"
"Well," says the carpenter, "it could be done, I suppose, but what would you want with a box like that?"
"Well'" said the Irishman, "me neighbour moved away and forgot to take a few t'ings with him -- and he asked me to send him his garden hose."
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Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"
The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the feck is a potato clock?"
And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"
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:grin :grin
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"potato clock"! I'm not Oirish enough. I had to read it three times before the penny dropped. Excellent!
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Put Paddy in a room with 2 shovels and tell him to take his pick.
:wht11
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"potato clock"! I'm not Oirish enough. I had to read it three times before the penny dropped. Excellent!
Same here Biggles.... :|||| :|||| :||||
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"potato clock"! I'm not Oirish enough. I had to read it three times before the penny dropped. Excellent!
Same here Biggles.... :|||| :|||| :||||
Only twice for me. Grandmother a wee bit Irish.
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what the feck is a potato clock?"
Wot he said.....
I dont get it... But then I'm not Irish.
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what the feck is a potato clock?"
Wot he said.....
I dont get it... But then I'm not Irish.
Try reading it reeeaaalll slowly, paying attention to his required rising time... 8)
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Yeah me too What is a potato clock ?
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Doh....Get up at eight o'clock !! :thumb
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oh!!!!!!
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Get up at 8 o'clock - get a potato clock
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I work with 3 irish guy's they all love this guy. apparently the biggest seller of CD's after U2 ,anyhow i like this one . Tommy Tiernan - Australian vs. African Priest (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5WTpUNi5fs#ws)
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Hal roach one of the classic's Best of Irish Humour Hal Roach Part 1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cqc-7TRKNQw#)
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1/4 The Best Of Dave Allen...The Comedy Sketches (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbgqtvJOJus#)
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:fp
There’s a bomb in my potato! |-i
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Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won't say what it is but wants Father Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Father Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that."
"Well," Father Flannagan says, "It's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc."
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations.
In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
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:grin
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Doh....Get up at eight o'clock !! :thumb
Thanks, 'cause it had me beat, but it's actually quite good. :clap There is a little Irish in my heritage.