Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no t'anks, I've only got a small yard."
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Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything, it made him more sluggish.
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The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
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Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat den?” asks Mick.
“Send me lawn away to be mowed."