OzSTOC
No Parking Zone! => Off Topic, Off Colour, and non-motorcycle related => Topic started by: JuST Peter on February 23, 2014, 01:04:46 PM
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ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of
the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP
YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large
enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later;
for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands
of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish
the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter
of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into
the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me
to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then
I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would
have no choice but to burn your house down.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see
the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be
the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all
over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been
prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies ...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous ... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing
their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'
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Having had one recently, I can relate to just about all of this. Ha!
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Hi all ozstoc being the informative forum it is I thought I would offer a tip about the subject at hand.
Never ever and I mean ever talk to the theatre nurse as you are being wheeled in to the theatre.
She asked me how my prep had gone. I am replied ok but I threw up about a quarter of the last glass.
Now a casual observer would have assumed that I had just told her that I had explosives under my gown judging by the reaction.
The panicked words" He's not clear!!!!" rang out across the hospital and I swear an alarm sounded somewhere. I was waiting for an orderly to dive on my belly to cushion the blast.
The next I know I am off the gurney and in a toilet cubical with a plastic bottle capped with an ominous looking rubber appendage.
"What do I do with that?" I asked forlornly hoping it was more laxitive to drink.
" have a guess" she replied somewhat harshly.
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Dave Barry is certainly one of the funniest columnists around, and that is a classic.
As another victim, I can attest the worst part is drinking the TWO LITRES of recycled urine they give you.
Upchucking 1/4 of the last glass is quite understandable, and could hardly matter, as, by the time you pass that ONE POINT NINE LITRES straight through you, there ain't nuttin' there!
Dave forgot to mention there's quite a lot of compressed air used in the procedure to save having to pack in roof supports. They let you take it home...
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I am booked in for 12th March, looking forward to it :H
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I am booked in for 12th March, looking forward to it :H
Don't let us put you off. It's a hoot, really.
Or is that when the excess air decides it's time for a look outside?
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MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish
the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter
of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into
the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
bahahahahaha...I just spat out some coffee I was drinking.
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Sounds like the author did too.. just not from the correct place... >:()
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I underwent a Piles removal some years ago and trust me that process is almost exactly the same as what is described above, except that the first meeting with the toilet after the surgery (about 36 hours later I think) is the most excruciating PAIN I have ever felt in my life!!!! Having talked to a few nurses after this operation I was told that it was like having a large baby but completely unexpected, unannounced and not being pre-warned what to expect!!!!
But now this is FUNNY!!!
WOW:
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Dave forgot to mention there's quite a lot of compressed air used in the procedure to save having to pack in roof supports. They let you take it home...
I didn't take any home, I went behind the curtain and very UN quietly left it in the hospital for reuse.
:rofl
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The number of ST owners with experience in this area says something about our demographic I think.
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Took a similar thing prior to my op last year. Called PicoPrep. The stuff is filth. First time I have experienced dry reaching from that orifice.
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One of the reasons for all the pipe cleaning is the possibility the driver might over-cook a bend and go through the wall.
If that happens (is it 1 in 1000?) then the collateral damage is reduced because the walls have been sand-blasted clean.
They do mention this in the briefing, but assure you it happened to the last bloke, so you're in the next 1000.
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I reckon this could be turned into a movie! Certainly enough info! Wot thuh
:wht11
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I reckon this could be turned into a movie! Certainly enough info! Wot thuh
:wht11
"20,000 Leagues Under The Chin"
"Drained" (2006)
"Deep Impact" (1998)
"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"
"Star Trek Into Darkness" (2013)
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Battle of trhe Bulge
Alien Enconters
Journey to the Centre of the Earth
Lord of the Rings
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Eruption (made that one up)
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Joe Versus the Volcanoe !!!!! :crackup
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What about "Sound of Music" sorry that was terrrible.