Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

I saw a bumper sticker saying "I'm a vet so i can drive like an animal"


... suddenly I realised how many gynecologists there are on the road.

[Kev Murphy]

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

[Kev Murphy]

Police officer speaks to a driver that he just pulled over.
"Your tail light is broken, your tires are bald and must be replaced, and your bumper is hanging off.
 Therefore your vehicle is unroadworthy, and it will cost you 350 dollars."

Driver: "Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage."

[Kev Murphy]

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three.

... And promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?"

Instantly the machine replied "Yes, sir!"

[Kev Murphy]

A Chinese and a USA general debate on who's army is better taken care of..
"Our army is well fed. They're getting 1000 calories in meals every day!", says the Chinese general.


The USA general thinks for a second and replies: "Our soldiers receive over 4000 calories daily!"


"That's impossible," the Chinese general scoffs, "Who could possibly eat four bags of rice every day?"

[Kev Murphy]

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The General replied "1956, ma'am."

The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? ... Come with me and let me make your night better."

The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.

Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..."

The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[Kev Murphy]

When I was a boy, Mum would send me to the corner store with ten shillings, and I would come home with 2 bags of potatoes, 3 tins of soup, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea bags, a dozen eggs, a cabbage, a large bottle of Cola and a packet of Minties.

Can't do that anymore.

Too many security cameras.

[Kev Murphy]

Even the security wire on his wall has something to say to Trump.

[Kev Murphy]

[Bodø]

When I was a boy, Mum would send me to the corner store with ten shillings, and I would come home with 2 bags of potatoes, 3 tins of soup, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea bags, a dozen eggs, a cabbage, a large bottle of Cola and a packet of Minties.

Can't do that anymore.

Too many security cameras.

  very good.

[Kev Murphy]

I googled 'African National Disasters'

Google directed me to "A freakin' International Disgrace - U.S.A."

[Kev Murphy]

She said she wanted my support to help her with her new diet, so I built this ...

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

In the middle ages a French town was under siege by an army from Marseille.
The general of the invading army sent a message to the besieged defenders, "Surrender, you have nothing to lose, Marseille".

They replied, "We shall not surrender, we have too much, Toulouse".

[Kev Murphy]

Plague of mosquitos here.


Its ok, local council has already contacted SWAT.

[Bodø]

It's a sting.

[Kev Murphy]

Yeah, nothing to get in a big flap about.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

New Bird Sanctuary outside Canberra.

[Kev Murphy]

An Italian woman had a tattoo of Italy inked onto her chest.

She later complained about sore Naples.

[Kev Murphy]

The World Map has been revised; The North and South poles are where you'd expect, but...


...all the other Poles are in Britain, Australia, USA, .....

[Bodø]

They're Poles apart.

[Kev Murphy]

I hear that their hairless grapes are pretty good too.

[Kev Murphy]