Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5823093 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13100 on:** July 30, 2019, 01:47:52 PM »

Why does my computer freeze when it overheats?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13101 on:** July 30, 2019, 01:49:27 PM »

Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is the medical term for brain freeze.

A quick way you can get this is by eating ice cream...

... or by trying to pronounce the medical term for brain freeze.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13102 on:** July 30, 2019, 01:59:14 PM »

A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise
"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly

The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons. First, I clean better than you."

This made the wife a bit mad.

"Is that so? Who says?"

The maid smiles. "Your husband, miss."

Upset, the wife responds, "What is the second reason?"

"Second, I cook better than you."

The wife now got even more furious.

"And who said that?!"

"Your husband."

Understandably, the wife is infuriated and demands, "What is the last reason then!?"

The maid smiles gently. "Lastly, I am much better at sex than you."

"WHO SAYS THAT? MY HUSBAND?!"

The maid shook her head.

"No, it was the gardener."

This made the wife freeze. She reached for her purse.

"So...how much extra do you want each month?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13103 on:** July 30, 2019, 02:07:38 PM »

I discovered a huge bucket of ice in my Blonde girlfriends fridge.
"Whats this for?" I asked.
She replied "I got tired of boiling water every time that I make pasta, so I boiled a bucketfull on the weekend, then froze it for later."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13104 on:** July 30, 2019, 02:13:31 PM »

A guy pulled his thermos from the desk and poured a hot coffee.

A passing blonde asked "Whats that?"

"It's called a thermos" he replied. "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold"

"Oh WOW!" she responded ... "How does it know?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13105 on:** July 30, 2019, 02:32:12 PM »

I went to see a friend from a rich family. The maid approached me and asked:

*MAID:* -What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

*ME:* -Tea pls.

*MAID:* -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

*ME:* -Ceylon Tea pls.

*MAID:* -How do U want it, black or white?

*ME:* -White....

*MAID:* -Milk or fresh cream?

*ME:* -With milk.

*MAID:* -Goat milk or cow milk?

*ME:* -Cow’s milk.

*MAID:* -U.S. cow or Afrikaner cow?

*ME:* -Uhm, lemme go with U.S. cow
cow.

*MAID:* -Would U like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?

*ME:* -Sugar.

*MAID:* -Bee sugar or cane sugar?

*ME:* -Cane sugar

*MAID:* -White, brown or yellow sugar?

*ME:* -FFS! forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water...

*MAID:* -Mineral, tap or distilled water?

*ME:* -Mineral water.

*MAID:* -Flavored or non flavored?

*ME:* -In fact, get me an empty glass!

*MAID:* -Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?

The police said that they will not press charges.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13106 on:** July 30, 2019, 03:01:59 PM »

A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...
He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.

Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.

Man: Please tell me.

Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-effect,
and we decided to test it on you, our very first subject.

Man: What side-effect?

Nurse: We can't ever freeze you a second time.

Man: And the bad news?

Nurse: We still haven't been able to cure the disease that killed you the first time.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13107 on:** July 30, 2019, 03:22:43 PM »

ANOTHER telewanker call...

I drowned him out with this mp3 file...

(Boy! was he pissed!)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13108 on:** July 30, 2019, 11:57:17 PM »

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.
The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea.
He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can.
The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop.
He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin.
Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.

After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in.
After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.

The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”

The man asks, “Why not?”

And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13109 on:** July 31, 2019, 12:00:17 AM »

This was an email sent to me from a friend who lives overseas.

Our country NEEDS a border wall.
South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people, and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13110 on:** July 31, 2019, 12:02:09 AM »

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing other criminals, and babysitters?

... He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13111 on:** July 31, 2019, 07:04:00 AM »

A stutter is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn't really matter, as long as it has good cocoa content ...

Bodø · « **Reply #13112 on:** July 31, 2019, 07:09:42 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on July 31, 2019, 12:00:17 AM

This was an email sent to me from a friend who lives overseas.

Our country NEEDS a border wall.
South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people, and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

You do realise Canada is currently on a fugitive hunt ?

Bodø · « **Reply #13113 on:** July 31, 2019, 07:11:46 AM »

Even now this is hilarious:

https://www.facebook.com/imori.miyuki/videos/260462601219583/

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13114 on:** July 31, 2019, 12:45:30 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13115 on:** July 31, 2019, 12:57:40 PM »

Raw eggs are good for a fitness diet.

If you don't like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder, and bake for 30 minutes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13116 on:** July 31, 2019, 01:12:24 PM »

*MILK*

A product produced by mammals to nourish their young.

Since when have almonds, coconuts and soy beans become sentient?

I have yet to see a plant fitted with norks.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13117 on:** July 31, 2019, 03:03:42 PM »

A man walked into a restaurant and ordered a soup.
The waiter brings the soup but the man noticed he had his right thumb inside the bowl.
The man is so hungry that he pretends he did not see anything, and ate the soup.

Now it's time for a huge steak. "Please give me a steak with house sauce", the man said to the waiter.

Five minutes later here comes the waiter bringing the steak under the delicious sauce, but again has his right thumb in the sauce.

The man, not willing to start a confrontation, again pretends he did not see anything and ate the steak.

After eating the steak he asked for a cup of hot cocoa... and there's the waiter, again with his thumb in the cup.

The man explodes and say: "Dammit man, I ordered soup and you brought it to me with your thumb in it. I ordered a steak and you bring me the steak with your thumb in the sauce. I order a cup of hot cocoa and you have your thumb inside the cup. Whats with that??"

.. and the waiter says: "You see I have this problem with my thumb, and the doctor said I should keep it warm!".

"You want to keep it warm, jam it up your butt !!!" - said the man.

"Well, I did, ... but you kept ordering food..."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13118 on:** July 31, 2019, 03:28:32 PM »

A Galah lost her mate, and was flying around searching for him when she spotted an Emu and her brood.

She called "Seen a cockatoo around here?"

The Emu replied " Mmmm, ... I guess you could say that?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13119 on:** July 31, 2019, 04:09:57 PM »

Re-calibrating the Royal Norkometer.

It is powered by the force of grabbity.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13120 on:** July 31, 2019, 06:06:31 PM »

An IT specialist recently finished setting up the network of an affiliate office..
He made the WiFi password: *iforgotthepassword*

He's been getting a kick out of people asking for it all of last week.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13121 on:** July 31, 2019, 06:10:59 PM »

Churches ban Wifi Networks because they don't want to compete with an invisible connection that actually works.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13122 on:** July 31, 2019, 06:13:01 PM »

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...
The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamouring for a final statement before the man is hanged for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?

"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.

Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.

Smirking, he replies: "Fake noose."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13123 on:** July 31, 2019, 07:23:40 PM »

A convicted wife beater is getting his own show on the Food Network.

It's called "Can't Cook? Left Hook!"

The show really packs a punch.

The podcast of the intro got 200 hits in ten minutes.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #13124 on:** July 31, 2019, 08:09:09 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on July 31, 2019, 01:12:24 PM

I have yet to see a plant fitted with norks.

Found one for ya!

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5823093 times)

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