Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

It was only a few days before Easter -

When the Rooster spotted all the multi-coloured eggs, he went and punched the Peacock!

[Kev Murphy]

This is my last post for a couple of days.

Leaving home in a few minutes on my way to the big smoke for a series of radiology appointments etc.
Will be home again late Wednesday. Be safe, everyone.

 

[ruSTynutz]

Travel safe, Kev...

[Shillas]

Take Care Kev & all the best.

[Wild Rose]

This is my last post for a couple of days.

Leaving home in a few minutes on my way to the big smoke for a series of radiology appointments etc.
Will be home again late Wednesday. Be safe, everyone.

 

All the best Kev.
What no jokes toll Wednesday 
I will have to look for some 

[ruSTynutz]

What no jokes toll Wednesday 
I will have to look for some 

I'll have to step up too... 

[ruSTynutz]

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.

During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments.

He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"

My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

[ruSTynutz]

A Scotsman went to the dentist and asked how much it was for a tooth extraction.

"$85 for an extraction, sir," was the dentist's reply.

"Och, huv yer no got anythin' cheaper?" replied the Scotsman.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, sir."

"What about if yer din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well, it's highly unusual, sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70."

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetic?" said the Scotsman.

"Well, it's possible, but they are only training, and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say, $40."

"Och, that's still a bit much. How about if yer make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well, OK, it'll be good for the students, I suppose. I'll charge you only $5 in that case," said the dentist.

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"

[ruSTynutz]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in

front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know

love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is

all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging

out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make

me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice,

"Well........ there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[ruSTynutz]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"   "Not to worry," say’s St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that," says the old lady.

[ruSTynutz]

Of course i love ya darling, you're a bloody top notch bird.
and when I say you’re gorgeous, I mean every single word.

So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab.
It means that when I'm ready, there's somethin' there to grab.

So your belly isn't flat no more, I tell ya, I don't care.
So long as when I cuddle ya, I can get my arms around there.

No sheila who is your age, has nice round perky breasts.
They just gave into gravity, but I know ya did ya best.

I'm tellin ya the truth now, I never tell ya lies.
I think it’s very sexy, that you've got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear on me nanna's grave now, the moment that we met,
I thought ya was as good as I, was ever gonna get.

No matter wot ya look like, I'll always love ya dear.
Now shut up while the footys on, and get me another beer!

[Shillas]

After all these years, my wife still thinks I'm sexy.

Every time I walk by she says "What an arse".

[Gerard & Sandra]

Kev
Trust all goes well
Rgds

GB

[ruSTynutz]

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me...

[NTRebel]

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me...

 

[ruSTynutz]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” the man replies. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

[Shillas]

I passed an Automobile Association van on the freeway today and the driver looked like he was upset, and crying.

I thought "He's heading for a breakdown".

[Wild Rose]

I passed an Automobile Association van on the freeway today and the driver looked like he was upset, and crying.

I thought "He's heading for a breakdown".

I like it. I might pinch it 

[ruSTynutz]

"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"

[ruSTynutz]

"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning"

[ruSTynutz]

"Working at Centrelink has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

[Bodø]

Or more to the point, dealing with centrelink staff.

[PC]

Someone stole my wife's credit card 3 months ago
I havn't bothered to report it because who ever has got it is not spending as much as she does

[Kev Murphy]

Just got home a few minutes ago, am pretty run down and need some sleep.

Thanks to all for best wishes and for keeping the thread active., I have time to post one funny to keep the ball rolling...

[Wild Rose]

Have a good sleep Kev
We can laugh tomorrow