Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 422677 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15675 on: December 08, 2019, 12:30:35 PM »
The Vic Premier got a message on his mobile.



Confused by the content he asked the nearest person, Michael O'Brien of the Liberal Party, "Any idea what this phone number is?"

The reply was "It's not a phone number, it's a text message, and you are reading it upside down!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15676 on: December 08, 2019, 12:35:47 PM »
If he then rotated the phone the message would also roate and he'd be still looking it upside down.  The bellend who posted it also needs to learn how to spell.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15677 on: December 08, 2019, 12:44:02 PM »
I am from the old school Bodø, my phone is clever, not smart. No rotation.

And seeing as the Premier is so far behind the times, he probably uses an old phone as well.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2019, 02:12:07 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15678 on: December 08, 2019, 02:05:11 PM »
After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people who openly mocked a mentally challenged kid.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15679 on: December 08, 2019, 02:09:04 PM »
I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a little cough"

My Scottish boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, I'll see you next week!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15680 on: December 08, 2019, 07:20:13 PM »
Boss: "Hey, why are you late for work for the third time this week!?"

Slack worker: "Um....'cause it's Wednesday?"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15681 on: December 08, 2019, 08:25:56 PM »
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.

She smiled at me, and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box and sleeping bag.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15682 on: December 08, 2019, 10:59:17 PM »
The number one item shipped by Amazon appears to be cardboard boxes.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15683 on: December 08, 2019, 11:08:15 PM »
If you’re skydiving, and your parachute fails to open...

there's no need to panic.

You have rest of your life to fix it.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15684 on: December 08, 2019, 11:45:39 PM »
A sheep wearing a wooly two piece swim suit just drove past in a sports car.

It was a LAMBbikini.

... closely followed by a Dodge RAMbler and a Toyota LAMBcruiser.

They created havoc when they did a EWEturn at the lights.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15685 on: December 08, 2019, 11:59:28 PM »
An elderly British pilot flies a private plane to Berlin. He lands, but gets lost on the taxiway.
So he panics, stops the engine, and a massive jam builds up.

The traffic controller asks him angrily over the radio, "Did you ever fly to Berlin before?"

The pilot answered, "I did a few times in 1944, but it was dark and anyway, we didn't land".
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15686 on: December 09, 2019, 12:08:04 AM »
His wife was furious when she caught him watching porn. She said it degrades women.

Jokes on her.

The porn he was watching didn't have any women in it.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15687 on: December 09, 2019, 04:52:48 AM »
That is degrading to women.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15688 on: December 09, 2019, 05:00:56 AM »
 :crackup
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15689 on: December 09, 2019, 12:15:09 PM »
Friend just dropped by with her 8 year old son. He asked me if I had the movie 'Black Men',(????) which he would like as a Chrissy present.

Took a few confused minutes to discover that he meant 'Men in Black'  :rofl
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15690 on: December 09, 2019, 12:25:19 PM »
Patient: I’m addicted to watching the film Grease.

Psychiatrist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Patient: I make my girlfriend watch it with me every day.

Psychiatrist: Does she put up a fight?

Patient: Sometimes, yeah.

Psychiatrist: Well, that’s women for you... summer lovin’, some aren’t.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15691 on: December 09, 2019, 12:26:22 PM »
And that's where it ends?
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15692 on: December 09, 2019, 12:27:32 PM »
Smart-ass kid wants to challenge a famous gunfighter.
He walks into the saloon, and says "My name's Jimmy Johnson, and I'm here to challenge Black Bart to a showdown at noon tomorrow!"

The bartender says "Well, if you're going to try to outdraw Black Bart, you 'd better be prepared."

The kid says "I've got my gun, I've been practicing for a year, I'm all set."

The bartender says "No, you're not. You don't even have your gun greased up!"

The kid says "What do you mean?"

Bartender: "Before you go to call Black Bart out, get a good layer of axle grease all over your gun."

Kid: "Why, will that make me draw any faster?"

Bartender: "Nope, but it will make it hurt a lot less when Bart shoves it up your butt."
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15693 on: December 09, 2019, 01:01:01 PM »
The Devil sees that Hitler has arrived and starts to get excited

Devil: "Wow Hitler I am literally your biggest fan! Watch this, watch this."
The Devil snaps his fingers and a giant frying pan appears. He snaps his fingers again and 50 Jews fall from the sky and burn up in the pan.

Hitler: "Wow that's amazing!"

Devil: "Watch again, watch again!"
He snaps his fingers again and 50 more Jews fall from the sky and burn up in the pan.

Hitler not being able to hold it in any longer, snaps his fingers excitedly but only a single Mexican falls from the sky and burns up in the pan.

Hitler: "What the hell man, I wanted to burn Jews not a Mexican??"

Devil: "Oh, I forgot to tell you, for every 100 Jews you have to grease the pan"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15694 on: December 09, 2019, 01:09:07 PM »
Christmas cake recipe
**Required Ingredients:**

* 1 cup of water

* 1 cup of sugar

* 4 large brown eggs

* 2 cups of dried fruit

* 1 teaspoon of salt

* 1 cup of brown sugar

* Lemon juice

* Nuts

* 1 bottle of whiskey

**Preparation:**

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Eat two bleggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisisicity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Whatever.
Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turnerer. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Have another wup of chiskey or three and go to bed.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15695 on: December 09, 2019, 01:12:15 PM »
Cinderella is going to go out with Prince Charming. She approaches her Fairy Godmother and asks for some birth control.

"Absolutely not!" says the Fairy Godmother.

"Fine," says Cinderella. "But just remember this when there are all of these little princes running around."

So the Fairy Godmother thinks about it and relents. "Okay," she says, "I've turned this pumpkin into a diaphragm. However, you'd better be back before midnight, because that's when it will turn back into a pumpkin."

So Cinderella goes out, and the Fairy Godmother waiting ... and waiting ... it;s 12:00; then 1:00; then 2:00.

Finally Cinderella comes staggering in at 2:30, a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother

"Out," says Cinderella.

"Didn't that diaphragm turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?"

"Yes."

"Well ... what did you do?" asks the Fairy Godmother.

So Cinderella says, "I met the nicest guy ... named Peter Peter something or other...."
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15696 on: December 09, 2019, 01:16:36 PM »
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it, and then gently tap the edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer is really messed up now."
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15697 on: December 09, 2019, 01:22:47 PM »
She deserves to be punished.  He'll upgrade her computer to windoss 10 when he gets back.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15698 on: December 09, 2019, 02:45:37 PM »
New Matilda readers overwhelmingly don’t like Tony Abbott. Indeed, of the 1,275 readers who voted in NM’s first official ‘Dirty 30’ poll – a vote on the most unpopular federal politicians among the NM readership – Tony Abbott attracted a whopping 94% of the total vote.

That’s basically almost everyone who voted.


In Abbott’s defence, because his surname starts with ‘A’, he was at the top of the ballot paper – how ironic that the ‘donkey vote’ would finally not benefit a politician.

Not far behind Abbott in the House of Reps was – no-one is going to be particularly surprised by this – human potato Peter Dutton, on 90%.

And then there was daylight.


And almost 2 years later, I bet that Tony Abbott continues to lie in bed, every morning.

Source: https://newmatilda.com/2018/02/07/official-new-matilda-dirty-30-list-politicians-readers-love-hate/




*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15699 on: December 09, 2019, 02:52:17 PM »
I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.
The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas".
The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!".
He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it, and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.
So I told them my name was Mocha.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960