Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5865391 times)

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15850 on: January 01, 2020, 09:52:25 AM »
I cast a sideways glance at a naked woman sitting on the beach.

She saw me look, and asked "See anything you would like?"

I replied "What's in it for me?"

"Sand"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15851 on: January 01, 2020, 02:28:26 PM »
A teacher told her class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"


Little Johnny gasped, "Holy crap! ...  what about the married ones?"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15852 on: January 01, 2020, 02:38:10 PM »
A crab, a lobster, a dolphin and a Japanese dude are run over by a truck.

Which one is the odd one out?

The dolphin.

The other three are all crushed Asians (Crustaceans)
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15853 on: January 01, 2020, 03:41:10 PM »
Boss: "If you fall asleep on the job again, I'll fire you!"

Me: "Ok"

Boss: "Now, get out there and do the sheep inventory."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15854 on: January 01, 2020, 03:55:03 PM »
I was walking downtown I heard a guy behind me bellow, "Ho Ho Ho!"

I thought it was Santa Claus, but when I turned around it was just a pimp checking on his girls.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15855 on: January 01, 2020, 08:31:10 PM »
Two retired gentlemen meet while sunning themselves on the beach
They get to talking about themselves.

One says, "I was in the retail business. I started out with a tiny clothing shop, and through a lifetime of long hours and hard work, built my way up
to a nice department store. Things got tough when the chain stores started moving in. Then, tragedy. A fire wiped me out. Luckily, the insurance
was enough to cover my losses and then some. Rather than start over, I decided to retire a little earlier than I planned."

The other guy said, "My story is much the same. I was in manufacturing, and built my way up from a tiny shop in my garage to a big factory.
I too find myself here as the result of disaster. There was a massive flood that destroyed my inventory and equipment. I couldn't face starting from
scratch, and when the insurance offered a generous settlement, I took it and started my new life here."

The first guy leans in and whispers, "How the hell do you start a flood?"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15856 on: January 01, 2020, 08:43:59 PM »
The Egyptian royal barge returns to the dock after a long day ferrying the Pharaoh up and down the Nile.
The captain says to the tired oarsmen 'Right, lads, I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?'

The oarsmen consult among themselves and decide they fancy some good news first.

'The good news,' says the captain, 'Is that tonight you will be given double rations!'

The oarsmen cheer and start talking excitedly amongst themselves.

'The bad news,' says the captain, 'Is that in the morning, Pharaoh wants to go water-skiing.'
« Last Edit: January 01, 2020, 09:51:18 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15857 on: January 02, 2020, 05:22:30 AM »
An Army general was in Washington for a meeting and decided to call his base for a report. A young private answered the phone.

"I'd like an inventory report of the base please," stated the general.

The private had not dealt with such a request before, and thought it was a fellow private playing a joke on him.
"Well, we have 200 rifles, 20 boxes of hand grenades, 30 tanks, and 2 Cadillac SUVs for hauling around those fat assed, lazy generals!"

The general was furious. "Do you know who this is?? I'm the base general!!" he shouted angrily.

The private panicked. Thinking quickly he responded, "Is that so?...  Well, do YOU know who THIS is??"

The general had never been spoken to like this in years, and was confused. "Um, no?"

The private replied "Thank f**k for that!" and hung up the phone.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15858 on: January 02, 2020, 05:45:02 AM »
Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man - Why are you alone in the corner?
Woman - I came over here to fart.

Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday?
Woman –  Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.

Man –  Is this seat empty?
Woman –  Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit there.

Man –  So, what do you do for a living?
Woman –  I’m a female impersonator.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15859 on: January 02, 2020, 09:38:05 AM »
Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on.

“Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “Maybe you should go see a psychic?
One of my friends did it after her husband died, and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”

So that’s how, a week later, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice.

“Is he here?” Suzie asked.
“Yes, I sense him,” was her reply.
“Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hesitantly asked.
“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic.
“Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. - Herbie can never last more than a few hours without a cigar.
I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is, or how I could get one to him?”

“Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him.
But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15860 on: January 02, 2020, 11:28:10 AM »
“What the hell is going on here?” said an angry  man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients, and it’s your fault!”

The lady behind the counter said “Why don’t you calm down a bit, and tell me exactly what happened?”

“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “Congratulations on your new location.” He calls me up and says to me “What’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “Rest in peace?!”

“Oh no!” she sighed, “Now I know why I got a nasty email from the funeral parlour!” 

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15861 on: January 02, 2020, 03:29:50 PM »
Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child, and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last.

Since Eddy was a soon to be billionaire, it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with.

Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire!
- Do you wanna come home with me?”

“Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.” And that’s the story how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15862 on: January 02, 2020, 03:32:12 PM »
Anne was on her deathbed breathing her last.

“Anne”, said Anne’s husband Jim. “Please, please,tell me, is there anything I can do for you?”

“Well” croaked Anne, “There is something. After I die, it would mean so much to me if you would marry my best friend Sandra.”

“You have nothing to worry about Anne” said Jim taking her hand, “I’ve been thinking about that for a while now already.”
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15863 on: January 02, 2020, 06:49:37 PM »
Tomorrow morning I have some bills to pay, then take to the road around 10 am.  :hatwave
I have a short stop to drop off some items to a friend in Colac around 12.30, and then on to visit ruSTnutz at Korumburra. :thumb

Saturday I will be back-tracking to visit jd,  :thumbs probably return home around midnight Saturday night, so I guess any advances to this thread will have to rely on input from others for a couple days.  :rockon
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15864 on: January 02, 2020, 07:00:53 PM »
It mightn't be much of an improvement.  My sense of humor is as questionable as yours. 
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15865 on: January 02, 2020, 07:07:03 PM »
 :thumb :grin
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15866 on: January 03, 2020, 12:08:00 AM »
I know a guy who’s a walking economy.

His hair is in recession, his stomach is a terrible victim of inflation,
and the combination together are putting him into a deep depression!

I must stop looking at my reflection in the mirror.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15867 on: January 03, 2020, 02:01:47 AM »
On the plus side, you know you;re not a vampire.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15868 on: January 03, 2020, 02:42:00 AM »
My 4-year-old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled, "F***ing shitty lid!"
My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from??"
I said, "Obviously the fridge you f***ing idiot ."
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15869 on: January 03, 2020, 02:46:36 AM »
 :thumb 'Morning, Bodø
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15870 on: January 03, 2020, 02:54:48 AM »
It is indeed.
 
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Holding the fort for Kev
« Reply #15871 on: January 03, 2020, 08:31:25 AM »
I used to think I was indecisive but these days I'm not so sure.
 
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Holding the fort for Kev
« Reply #15872 on: January 03, 2020, 11:16:32 AM »
I used to have dreams where I'd be tossing up as to whether I was a wigwam or a teepee.  It turns out I was too tense.
 
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Online Jdbiker

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15873 on: January 03, 2020, 08:02:59 PM »
Hi Kev...I’ll be home from work about 1pm tomorrow then out again at 7 . Ride safe and have a great trip :like.
Jdbiker.
2008 red ST1300A
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1974. Yamaha TX 500 sold
1984   Kawasaki GT 750
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Honda XL 250 sold
Suzuki TS 100
2000 Honda ST1100P
1988 Enfield Bullet 350
 1941 Royal Enfield WD/C 350 engine
2021 Royal Enfield Bullet 500
2024 Honda Transalp
1999 Honda ST1100 ABS/TC
 
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Online ruSTynutz

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15874 on: January 03, 2020, 09:05:03 PM »
I've passed your message on to Kev, Jdbiker...  ++

  2005 Honda ST1300A
 
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