Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5865525 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15900 on:** January 05, 2020, 11:59:50 PM »

Last night, a burglar broke into my house and started looking for money
I woke up, switched on the lights, and helped him look.

Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15901 on:** January 06, 2020, 02:01:53 AM »

A man is walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City.
He sees a long line of people who all appear to be anxiously waiting for something. Intrigued, he asks a woman in the line what she's waiting for.

"Apparently the President is in town raising money for his family's legal bills," she responds.

"Huh. That's got to be a lot of money. I'm surprised so many New Yorkers want to help, though."

"That's just it," she says. "He's charging a thousand dollars to punch him in the face."

"Wait. You're telling me I can punch Donald Trump in the face for only a thousand dollars?"

As the man practically runs toward Trump Tower, the woman calls out after him "Wait! You've got to get in line!"

Without slowing down, the man calls back over his shoulder:

"Screw the punchline, I'm gonna kick him square in the nuts for free!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15902 on:** January 06, 2020, 02:07:09 AM »

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...
He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in efery vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on as long as you can."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her and they went on their honeymoon on the Gold Coast.

That night, in a Palm Beach Motel, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said, "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."

Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied, "Look at dis Lena ... Still in DA CRATE!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15903 on:** January 06, 2020, 02:09:33 AM »

Joe was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Simon, I want you to take the houses on South Street."

"My daughter Gail, you take the apartments over in Mason Road."

"My son Joe Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bernadette, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on Sunshine Avenue."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realise the extent of Joe's wealth.
As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Ma'am, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been
such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “He had a window cleaning service!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15904 on:** January 06, 2020, 02:12:51 AM »

Monty Smith
Monty has five letters in his first name...
He has 5 letters in his second name...

He has lived his entire life at 555 West 55th Street
In NYC

And worked his entire career at Saks 5 Avenue

He met his wife in Fifth Grade..

He has 5 kids and owns 5 cars...

Needless to say, he has a thing for the number 5

One day at the track, running in the 5th race, in starting gate 5, is a horse called Numero Cinco...

He says to himself... OMG this is it ...
He runs to to bank and puts his life savings on this horse...

And would you believe it, that freaking horse came in ...

... FIFTH!!!!!!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15905 on:** January 06, 2020, 02:17:33 AM »

A rich man wanted to meet the Dalai Lama
The Dalai Lama is in New York City walking with his entourage down Fifth Avenue. The rich man comes out to meet him.
He's trying to push his way through the throngs of adoring people but the Dalai Lama's procession is moving too quickly.
The rich man is running next to the crowd trying to catch up with the Dalai Lama when suddenly he notices how the Dalai Lama stops,
bends over, and speaks into the ear of a homeless man.

The rich man is deeply moved at how the holy man makes a point of speaking to the poor and downtrodden.
Then he gets an idea! The rich man offers the homeless man $100 for his clothes. The rich man then dresses as the homeless man
and runs a block ahead of the Dalai Lama's procession.
Now dressed as a homeless person, the rich man sits on the ground and waits.
Sure enough as the Dalai Lama walks by he stops, bends over, and speaks into the rich man's ear:
"Hey, I thought I already told you to get the f**k out of here?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15906 on:** January 06, 2020, 02:21:21 AM »

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop...

A bus pulled up and the door opened.
One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "Will this bus take me downtown?"
Bodø shook his head, "No, I'm sorry, it won't" he replied.
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "How about me?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15907 on:** January 06, 2020, 02:24:54 AM »

A joke from the future.

One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Trump. I've told you already that Mr. Trump is no longer the President, and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. *I just love hearing it*."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you again tomorrow, Sir!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15908 on:** January 06, 2020, 05:43:29 AM »

A man is struck by a truck on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man?"

The policeman agrees, and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man.

He kneels down, leans over the dying man and intones in a solemn voice: "B - 4, I - 19, N - 38, G - 54,. . . “

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15909 on:** January 06, 2020, 07:51:54 AM »

So, this halfwit sent me an email this morning about how to work from home for just a few minutes a day, and earn $13,000 per month.

I replied from a temporary email account.

Play the attached file to get my reply ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15910 on:** January 06, 2020, 07:57:26 AM »

He was having some trouble with a crossword.
He said to his dad, "I'm stuck on this crossword... :
Six letters, a broad road in a town or city. I still haven't got it!"

"Avenue?"

"No, I haven't, stop rubbing it in."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15911 on:** January 06, 2020, 08:07:00 AM »

A drunk stared at a huge roadside billboard for more than an hour.

The billboard, advertising soda, urged the world to Drink Canada Dry.

So the drunk bought a bus ticket to give it a shot.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15912 on:** January 06, 2020, 08:08:36 AM »

I saw a helpline ad that said, "Pregnant? You're not alone."

I thought to myself, "Isn't that how it works?"

Bodø · « **Reply #15913 on:** January 06, 2020, 09:35:55 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15914 on:** January 06, 2020, 12:10:44 PM »

There is a very simple way to 'Make America Great Again' and diffuse the latest aggression between the U.S. and Iraq/Iran.

Just pack Trump securely into a crate, and post him to Iran.

... and cancel his twitter account.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15915 on:** January 06, 2020, 01:28:00 PM »

Young Johnny learned a lot while he was a boy scout.

When he matured, he took the knowledge that he learned from his scouting days, and applied it to the car horn repair business that he founded.

He named his company 'Beep Repaired'

Bodø · « **Reply #15916 on:** January 06, 2020, 01:42:51 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on January 06, 2020, 02:21:21 AM

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop...

A bus pulled up and the door opened.
One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "Will this bus take me downtown?"
Bodø shook his head, "No, I'm sorry, it won't" he replied.
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "How about me?"

I remember that. To be fair, the second one was hot, but I behave myself at work.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15917 on:** January 06, 2020, 01:46:54 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15918 on:** January 06, 2020, 03:00:40 PM »

A boy is praying loudly,: "God, please send me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "Why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."

The boy replied, "Well, no ... but grandma is!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15919 on:** January 06, 2020, 04:38:12 PM »

A guy walks into an auto parts store and says "I need a gas cap for my Chevy."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a couple seconds and replied "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15920 on:** January 06, 2020, 06:43:51 PM »

I scared a German the other day

I was in Berlin at a beer garden, so I decided to get a brew in one of their traditional mugs (with the metal tippy cap).
After the beer, I got hungry and went for a sausage.
The guy was horrified when I told him to save a plate, and just put the sausage in my mug.

I guess Germans really are afraid of Frankinstein.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15921 on:** January 06, 2020, 07:11:07 PM »

An Irishman is talking with an American at a music festival.
Irishman: "I tell ya man, it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is so goddamn overpriced."

American: "I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out."

*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars, and un caps the lenses to reveal alcohol*

American: "These custom made binoculars are perfect for smuggling two cans worth of beer practically anywhere that prohibits bringing in your own alcohol"

Irishman: "Wow that's genius! Nobody would ever suspect someone to be smuggling alcohol through binoculars!"

American: "Yep, my buddy a few miles south from here makes these products for a living."

*The American hands the Irishman a business card with an address. The next day at the music festival the Irishman returns to the American upset and empty handed on alcohol*

American: "What's wrong my friend?"

Irishman: "The binoculars didn't work, instead all they did was raise more attention to me."

American: "But how?"

Irishman: "I don't know, but the security people at the entrance said that "I looked suspicious with those binoculars," so they confiscated all 15 of them."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15922 on:** January 06, 2020, 07:17:48 PM »

I hate spelling errors...

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15923 on:** January 06, 2020, 07:28:58 PM »

Can a pregnant flight attendant be classed as a Pilot Error?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15924 on:** January 06, 2020, 07:45:27 PM »

My neighbour has a large, untrained dog that he ties up in the yard most days, but he has broken the chain several times.

When this happens, he usually chases my cat, and shits all over my porch .

I wouldn't mind so much, but now the dog has started doing it too.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5865525 times)

Bodø

Bodø