Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 371279 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16500 on: January 28, 2020, 02:10:49 PM »
So, sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive?


...but my dentist just got annoyed.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16501 on: January 28, 2020, 05:08:26 PM »
How the Internet started, according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

It's gotta be true, you just can’t make this stuff up!
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Online Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16502 on: January 28, 2020, 05:45:16 PM »
TLDR

 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16503 on: January 28, 2020, 05:59:41 PM »
Actually, IMO, the whole bible comes under TLDR
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16504 on: January 28, 2020, 07:53:53 PM »
My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise.

"Does sex count as exercise?" I asked.

"Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"Well then, no!" I said
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16505 on: January 28, 2020, 07:55:56 PM »
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track.

It's kind of.. Kung Fu sing.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16506 on: January 28, 2020, 07:58:10 PM »
25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness.

25%! ... That's horrifying!

It means that 75% of them are running around untreated!
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16507 on: January 28, 2020, 10:20:29 PM »
Hooters have an odd way of employing female staff.

There's no application form, they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16508 on: January 29, 2020, 06:15:59 AM »
They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16509 on: January 29, 2020, 06:56:52 AM »
Three months.... in your dreams.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16510 on: January 29, 2020, 07:16:48 AM »
Contrary to popular opinion, Doctors actually promote a sedentary life style.

... just look in any waiting room.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16511 on: January 29, 2020, 07:19:02 AM »
Three months.... in your dreams.

(In my case, its more than 8 years ... but who's counting?)
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16512 on: January 29, 2020, 09:43:55 AM »
You by the sounds of it.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16513 on: January 29, 2020, 10:31:50 AM »
 :rofl not really, just that I remember going on a major 7 week long tour to celebrate having that partner out of my life at last  :grin

I remember the tour.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16514 on: January 29, 2020, 07:56:05 PM »
Passengers on a cruise ship spotted a man jumping up and down, waving furiously, while standing next to a smoking bonfire on the beach of a small island.

They rushed to the captain with this information.

"What do you think this guy is doing there?" they asked.

The captain replied "I dunno?... he does this every October when we sail past!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16515 on: January 29, 2020, 07:56:46 PM »
"But now I have more than enough with my two pussy's" said in a Mrs Slocumbe voice.  :rofl


 :Norty
Shillas :dred11  :13Candy

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world. And if it was, you'd find reds are by far undoubtedly & unquestionably the best.

CB 125
RD 200
CB 250T
XJ 650
XV 750
VL 800
ST 1100 - In the garage
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16516 on: January 29, 2020, 08:04:02 PM »
My grandfather used to collect horse manure to put on his rhubarb.

I tried it once, but I definitely prefer custard.
Shillas :dred11  :13Candy

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world. And if it was, you'd find reds are by far undoubtedly & unquestionably the best.

CB 125
RD 200
CB 250T
XJ 650
XV 750
VL 800
ST 1100 - In the garage
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16517 on: January 29, 2020, 11:04:38 PM »
You know, there's this thing that you blow in, and make a wish? ... It could change your whole life!


It's called a breathalyser.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16518 on: January 30, 2020, 12:01:25 PM »
Do cowgirls have bowed legs because cowboys eat with their hats on?
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16519 on: January 30, 2020, 02:32:32 PM »
38 degrees outside at the moment, about the same expected tomorrow but with a 90% chance of 10 to 20mm of rain chucked in as well.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16520 on: January 30, 2020, 03:12:13 PM »
On a remote Pacific island, a missionary is trying to teach English to the natives.
He takes a group of the local men on a walk through the jungle, pointing out various items and telling them the English equivalents.

He points to a tree and says "Tree".
The natives all nod and repeat "Tree".

A short time later they come across a large boulder. The missionary says "Rock"
In unison the natives reply "Rock".

Eventually they enter a clearing where they spot a couple having sex.
Embarrassed and flustered, the missionary blurts out "Man riding bicycle".

Suddenly one of the natives produces a bow and arrow and shoots the naked man, killing him.
Shocked, the missionary exclaims "Why?!".
The native replies angrily "Man, him riding MY bicycle!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16521 on: January 30, 2020, 03:28:45 PM »
A boy is preparing his suit in a hotel room alone.
But he doesn’t know how to tie his bow tie. Unable to figure it out he asks the man at the room next door if he can help.
The man says, “Sure, just lay down on the bed.” The boy is hesitant but in a rush, so he follows his instructions.
The man hovers over him, and quickly ties the bow tie.

The boy sits up and asks "Why did I have to lay down?"
The man answers, “I’m an undertaker.”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16522 on: January 30, 2020, 04:55:47 PM »
The Super Bowl.

Many fans are complaining that the commercials are being interrupted so frequently by an unwanted football game...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16523 on: January 30, 2020, 08:24:23 PM »
An Irishman and a Norwegian apply for the same job.
The job they're applying for is at an engineering firm in Dublin.
Both the Irishman and the Norwegian do so well in the interview the boss can't decide who to hire, so he sets up a small aptitude test.
Both men again score the same. 19/20 correct.

After some waiting the boss comes through and says to the Irishman: "I'm sorry but on this occasion we've decided to hire the Norwegian"
The Irishman angered by this says "Surely, me being Irish would mean you would give the job to me instead of a foreigner?".
He went on a rant about looking after the locals etc.

When he was done the boss replied. He said:
"Well it's like this. We didn't make the decision based on how many answers you got right, but more on the answers you got wrong"
So the Irishman still angry says, "But we both got one wrong answer"

Again the boss replies calmly saying, "it's not how many wrong answers you got but the answer you gave.
On question 7 the Norwegian wrote 'I don't know' as his answer. Your answer was 'Neither do I'".
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16524 on: January 30, 2020, 08:28:04 PM »
A traveller made a long, arduous journey to find a hermit who was reputed to be extremely wise. 
After searching the wilderness for many weeks, he finally found the old man in his hideaway. 

"Tell me about life," said the traveller. 

"Well," said the hermit, "Life is like a fish."

The traveller thought on this for a while, then said to the hermit, "How is life like a fish?"

The hermit sat silently, pondering the question. 
Minutes turned to hours, as the sun moved across the sky and sank towards the horizon. 

Finally, the hermit said, "Okay, maybe life isn't like a fish?"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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