Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3315808 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16725 on:** February 21, 2020, 11:34:03 AM »

An inmate on death row requested a Maccas coffee frappe for his last meal.

They are still trying to locate a Maccas restaurant with an ice cream machine that works.

Bodø · « **Reply #16726 on:** February 21, 2020, 02:56:24 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on February 21, 2020, 11:17:03 AM

I was going to tell you a joke about cash vending machines,
... but I can't think of one, ATM

Are you having withdrawal symptons.

STeveo · « **Reply #16727 on:** February 21, 2020, 03:44:35 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on February 21, 2020, 11:13:27 AM

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

... unlike the woman, who just went jogging past my window!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16728 on:** February 21, 2020, 06:00:36 PM »

Now that a Laundry Folding Machine has been invented, there's no point in getting married.

Brookester · « **Reply #16729 on:** February 21, 2020, 07:30:58 PM »

If being chased by a pack of taxidermists...

Do not play dead!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16730 on:** February 21, 2020, 09:17:24 PM »

Stuff that for an idea!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16731 on:** February 21, 2020, 09:24:27 PM »

I went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question...

"Whose blood is it?"....."Where did you get it?"....."Why is it in a bucket?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16732 on:** February 21, 2020, 09:33:09 PM »

I don't understand why people ask rhetorical questions.

What's the point of asking something you don't expect to be answered?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16733 on:** February 21, 2020, 09:39:43 PM »

How much 'No More Tears' shampoo do you have to rub into a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16734 on:** February 21, 2020, 09:49:18 PM »

We were at the cemetery.

Chatting about a person who was cremated.

My dad said: "I don't want to hear about you doing this to me!"

I answered: "You won't... "

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16735 on:** February 21, 2020, 09:58:18 PM »

Back in the early 70s, I clipped a roo, fell off my motorbike, twisted my ankle and injured my knee.

I'm telling you this now, because there was no social media back then.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16736 on:** February 21, 2020, 10:06:55 PM »

A lady sees a cowboy and says "Are you really a cowboy?"
The cowboy says "Why yes mam, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says "I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats."
"The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?"
"Well mam, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? "
"They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "That all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes?"

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16737 on:** February 22, 2020, 05:25:55 AM »

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.
The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

“Where were you on the night of October to April?”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16738 on:** February 22, 2020, 05:30:11 AM »

I was at the Oktoberfest celebrations in Munich with a group of friends, and they asked me how many beers I wanted...

I said nine, but they didn't bring me any.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16739 on:** February 22, 2020, 05:33:51 AM »

If you Google 'lost medieval servant boy'

You get the message ‘Page cannot be found'

Maybe he went out for the knight?

Bodø · « **Reply #16740 on:** February 22, 2020, 06:28:34 AM »

Disappeared at 404

Jdbiker · « **Reply #16741 on:** February 22, 2020, 07:34:10 AM »

Should have tried his Pager.

Bodø · « **Reply #16742 on:** February 22, 2020, 09:26:25 AM »

Is kleptomania cureable....just want to know if there is there anything you can take for it ?

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #16743 on:** February 22, 2020, 10:12:00 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on February 21, 2020, 09:24:27 PM

I went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question...

"Whose blood is it?"....."Where did you get it?"....."Why is it in a bucket?

Funny you posted that, Kev as I went for a ride to Traralgon and donated as well.
Wasn't in a bucket though...

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #16744 on:** February 22, 2020, 10:17:22 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on February 22, 2020, 05:33:51 AM

If you Google 'lost medieval servant boy'

You get the message ‘Page cannot be found'

Maybe he went out for the knight?

He must have come back...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16745 on:** February 22, 2020, 10:55:26 AM »

A Chinese Official invites a Malaysian Official to his house.
The Malaysian official is in awe that the Chinese official's house is a big and luxurious mansion, so he asked him how did he manage to own such an estate, with a public servant's salary?

The Chinaman takes him to the balcony, and points to a half-built bridge.

"See that bridge? ... I used half of it's budget to build my mansion."

6 month later, the Malaysian official invites the Chinese official to his house.

This time, the Chinaman is shocked by the Malaysians incredibly luxurious, huge and beautiful mansion, many times more expensive than his own.

So he ask the Malaysian how did he manage it with a public servant's salary?

He was taken to the balcony, and the Malaysian and points out:

"Do you see that childrens' hospital over there?"

"What hospital?"

"Exactly!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16746 on:** February 22, 2020, 12:46:30 PM »

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet, then goes back home for the rest of the day to monitor email responses to his scam on the internet."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16747 on:** February 22, 2020, 01:20:58 PM »

Snow White was texting the prince...
when a horse and carriage came out of no where and hit her. Unfortunately, she died on the spot.

The driver of the carriage cried, “It wasn’t my fault. She was distracted by her cell phone!”

Within hours, the entire kingdom learned of Snow White’s death.
When the prince eventually found out, he demanded to know how such a travesty could happen.

A lowly servant stepped forward and said, “Sir, she was killed by an apple.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16748 on:** February 22, 2020, 01:25:44 PM »

Trump told a gardener to water the plants outside the Whitehouse.

The gardener said, "But sir, it's pouring rain outside?"

Mr. Trump replied, "What? You don't know how to use an umbrella?"

Shillas · « **Reply #16749 on:** February 22, 2020, 03:02:48 PM »

Tip of the day. If the queue you're in is too long, just start coughing then say this is the worst it's been since you got back from China.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3315808 times)

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