Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 384008 times)

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16850 on: February 16, 2020, 03:51:13 PM »
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.

Judge: “Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”

Ex wife: “I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him”

Judge: “That is a simple yet good reason.”

Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.

Judge: “Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”

The ex husband thought long and hard about his response.
After a brief moment of silence, he replies: “If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out,
... is it mine or the machines?”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16851 on: February 16, 2020, 03:57:47 PM »
I went to the bar with my girlfriend of the past 2 years...

When we arrived, there was a very drunk guy, and she kept looking over at him.

I asked her if she knew the man, and she said: "He's my ex husband, and he's been like that ever since we broke up 5 years ago.

I said: "Holy shit! ... He's been celebrating for that long?"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16852 on: February 16, 2020, 05:52:22 PM »
A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle.

Seems he had serious selfie steam issues.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Bodø

  • Where's my keys?
  • Supreme "2000" Club Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4925
  • Thanked: 2589 times
  • No one ever said I was normal
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16853 on: February 16, 2020, 05:55:11 PM »
Back in your day a selfie is what you did when the wife wouldn't put out.
 
The following users thanked this post: Kev Murphy

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16854 on: February 16, 2020, 06:19:34 PM »
 :rofl
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16855 on: February 16, 2020, 06:51:16 PM »
Too many years have passed... I must be getting old?

It's now 25 years since I attended the Adelaide Grand Prix.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Bodø

  • Where's my keys?
  • Supreme "2000" Club Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4925
  • Thanked: 2589 times
  • No one ever said I was normal
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16856 on: February 16, 2020, 06:57:45 PM »
It's 25 years since anyone has.
 
The following users thanked this post: Kev Murphy

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16857 on: February 16, 2020, 07:36:24 PM »
A blonde went to her local hardware store to buy a food processor.

She asked, "Would you sell me a mixer?"

He replied "Kenwood?"

She said "Great!, ... what time will he be in?"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16858 on: February 16, 2020, 07:40:27 PM »
Tub,
pail,
can,
basket,
canister,
vat,
kettle,
cask,
pot,
keg,
barrel,
bowl.


... just checking my bucket list ...
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Bodø

  • Where's my keys?
  • Supreme "2000" Club Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4925
  • Thanked: 2589 times
  • No one ever said I was normal
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16859 on: February 16, 2020, 07:42:23 PM »
No KFC?
 
The following users thanked this post: Kev Murphy

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16860 on: February 16, 2020, 07:43:38 PM »
Bloke called his blonde wife, and asked her to put the kettle on.


She said "No, It doesn't fit me"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16861 on: February 16, 2020, 07:44:23 PM »
I detest KFC.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Bodø

  • Where's my keys?
  • Supreme "2000" Club Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4925
  • Thanked: 2589 times
  • No one ever said I was normal
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16862 on: February 16, 2020, 07:49:15 PM »
But eat maccas?  You're weird. 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16863 on: February 16, 2020, 07:52:58 PM »
Maybe a burger every month or two...
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16864 on: February 16, 2020, 08:05:54 PM »
The kids next door challenged me to a water balloon fight.

I'm just checking my mail while waiting for the kettle to boil.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Bodø

  • Where's my keys?
  • Supreme "2000" Club Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4925
  • Thanked: 2589 times
  • No one ever said I was normal
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16865 on: February 16, 2020, 08:07:40 PM »
The kids next door challenged me to a water balloon fight.

I'm just checking my mail while waiting for the kettle to boil.

You should put them in the freezer and wait for them to freeze.
 
The following users thanked this post: Kev Murphy

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16866 on: February 16, 2020, 08:23:37 PM »
While conducting a routine base inspection, the Colonel arrived at the mess hall door where he met 2 KPs with a large soup pot.

"Let me taste that," the colonel snapped.

One of the men fetched a large spoon, and handed it respectfully to the CO, who plunged it into the pot and took a large mouth-full of the steaming liquid, smacking his lips critically.

Then he let out a roar that could be heard back at headquarters. "Do you call this crap soup?" He bellowed.

"No, sir," explained one of the KPs. "Its the dishwater we were just about to throw out"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16867 on: February 16, 2020, 09:11:14 PM »
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but i failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes, Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!


ATTENTION: female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : Please scroll down.
.

.

.


.




The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way, and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16868 on: February 17, 2020, 01:15:16 AM »
I was checking my racing snails performance figures, and wondered if I could reduce his weight, he might be faster?

So I removed his shell.

.. but it only seemed to make him more sluggish?
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16869 on: February 17, 2020, 01:33:28 AM »
Here's a free joke about dead batteries

There’s no charge.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16870 on: February 17, 2020, 01:37:48 AM »
I'd tell you a joke about masturbation, necrophilia and bestiality. but it would be like flogging a dead horse.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16871 on: February 17, 2020, 06:24:40 AM »
I was sitting at the stoplight when a drop dead gorgeous woman pulled up next to me and rolled her window down.

I rolled my window down and smiled at her . . .

She said, “What? Did you fart too?”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16872 on: February 17, 2020, 12:43:30 PM »
An old couple were praying in church with everybody on a Sunday, when the old dear let out a sneaky fart.
She turned to her husband and whispered:

“I’ve just dropped a 'silent but deadly' ... what should I do?”

He husband quietly replied:

“We'll drop by the servo on the way home and get some new batteries for your hearing aid”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 
The following users thanked this post: STeveo

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16873 on: February 17, 2020, 01:54:23 PM »
Scientists have discovered a plant so deadly, that even resting beneath it will kill you within a few minutes.


It's known as the water lily.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 19184
  • Thanked: 8960 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16874 on: February 17, 2020, 07:14:37 PM »
Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce

he's a rocket man.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=2651.msg112526#msg112526
Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960