Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his home.

[Bodø]

I cannot eat sashimi either.

I feel sorry for you.

[Kev Murphy]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Trump is warmly welcomed by the Queen.
They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the crowds gathered to greet them.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets out the loudest fart ever heard in the British Empire.
The smell is awful and both passengers put handkerchiefs over their noses.
The two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.
Because the smell lingers, the Queen feels she must say something.
She turned to President Trump and said,: “Mr. President, please accept my regrets.
I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”

Trump turned to her and replied, “Your Majesty, I completely understand. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”

[Kev Murphy]

The other day, I read that people eat more bananas than monkeys.

No surprises there. I can't remember ever eating a monkey.

[Bodø]

I can't remember eating a monkey either, but I have had strange meat in Asian countries so who knows.  I am allergic to bananas.

[Kev Murphy]

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

All kinds of medicines and health aids.

[Kev Murphy]

STrawberry express is in for a minor service and tune, will pick up from the shop tomorrow.

Nothing startling, just new spark plugs, and change of clutch fluid to a higher temp version to see if that cures the clutch fade problem in city traffic stop-go riding.

[Kev Murphy]

An old man walked into an ice cream parlor,
and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool…

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

[Kev Murphy]

The kid next door reminds me of an over-ripe banana.



Spoiled rotten.

[Kev Murphy]

Bananas are similar to Traffic Lights... Except the colours mean different things.

With a traffic light Green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down, & Red means stop.

With a banana, Green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay!
And Red means 'Where the hell did you get that freaky banana?'

[Bodø]

Red bananas are a thing.

[Kev Murphy]

They are??????

[Kev Murphy]

A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...
..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?”
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?”
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?”
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk,
“Why wouldn't you answer that guy’s question?”
The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”

[Kev Murphy]

Son: "Dad, what are condoms for?"

Dad: "Usually to avoid answering questions like these," he replied.

[Kev Murphy]

911- "911, what's your emergency?"

Man-"There are 2 girls fighting over me right now!"

911- "Sir, I don't see how this qualifies as an emergency?"

Man- "The ugly one is winning"

[Bodø]

They are??????

Yes

[Kev Murphy]

[Bodø]

Lightening

[Kev Murphy]

Terrorist recipe.



Room-temperature eggs whip up better than cold ones. After separating the egg whites from the yolks, let them rest at room temperature for about 30 minutes before whipping.

To make sure the sugar dissolves completely, add it in very gradually. You will want to avoid dumping in a large amount at one time. In the end, the meringue should be silky and not at all grainy (which would mean you still have undissolved sugar). Rub a little between your fingers — it should feel totally smooth and creamy.

To help stabilise the meringue, mix in a bit of cream of tartar. It might not increase the volume of the meringue, but it will help keep it from breaking down too quickly.

Add C-4 as necessary. Bake in a warm oven.


(Stupid terrorist... totally misunderstood what a boom! - meringue is!)

[Kev Murphy]

If bedbugs are named that, because they’re found in beds, where the hell did they get the name cockroach from?

[Kev Murphy]

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?"

"I won First Place!," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering" says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"I won first place too." answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest - Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Donald Trump ?" asked Pinocchio.

[Kev Murphy]

A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $30-$50 per hour"


When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.
He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a splattered mess.

When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $30/hr, the other is $50/hr".

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

I got fired from my job at the crematorium today.
Apparently when you work there, you aren’t supposed to answer the phone with:
 “Hello, this is Joes Crematorium. You kill em we grill em!”

[Bodø]

Play with fire, you get burned.