Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 400931 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17750 on: April 01, 2020, 07:56:01 PM »
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.


Ten or twelve feet away from any microphone.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17751 on: April 01, 2020, 10:19:42 PM »
I went to the Cinema yesterday...
...I was buying popcorn, a drink and some sweets.

As I went to pay I said, "I'm ever so sorry, I've only got a $50 note."

The lady said, "That's ok, you can put the sweets back!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17752 on: April 02, 2020, 05:38:54 AM »
Sounds like fibs to me.  Cinemas are closed aren't they?

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17753 on: April 02, 2020, 06:41:59 AM »
Why do noses run, and feet smell?

Probably the same reason your ass itches, and your finger stinks.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17754 on: April 02, 2020, 06:53:26 AM »
The local cinema was robbed last weekend.

They said that almost $500 worth of stock was stolen.

The thieves took a 2 packets of Maltesers, 4 Cherry Ripe bars, 3 large bottles of soda, and a large popcorn...
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17755 on: April 02, 2020, 10:33:42 AM »
Two policemen attended an XXX rated film.

Cop Porn?
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17756 on: April 02, 2020, 10:42:28 AM »
A man woke up to find his car missing.
The man and his wife rushed to the police station to report the theft.
They went back home with sad faces and continued their routine work.
But life is full of surprises, when he got up the next morning, he saw his car in the garage, completely washed and polished.

He saw an envelope on the driver’s seat. When he opened it up he found 4 Cinema tickets along with a letter.

“*Dear Sir i’m sorry for borrowing your car. My wife was pregnant, and yesterday she felt labor pain.
I don’t have a car and couldn’t find a lift so i broke the lock of your car. On the way to the hospital her water broke.
I have washed and polished your car, and here are some cinema tickets for your entire family.
Please go and enjoy the movie.*”

The man become emotional, he told his wife and that day they went to the cinema together.

They came back home to find the front door open, and all locks were broken and cash was missing.
There was a short note purposely placed on the sofa….

“**How was the film?**”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17757 on: April 02, 2020, 10:58:18 AM »
"Some foods cause breathing difficulties and give me sleepless nights." I told my wife.

"Like what?" she asked.

"Baked beans."

"But you don't eat baked beans?"

"No," I said, "but you do."
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17758 on: April 02, 2020, 03:08:02 PM »
A couple of boats from the local fishing fleet pulled into the wharf today, and were selling their catch direct from the boats because all the fish and chip shops are closed. Didn't take long for the word to get around.
Around 200 plus cars were lined up, and it wasn't long before the police arrived.

They couldn't do a damned thing tho', because people argued that it was to put food on the table, therefore it was a shopping trip.

Damned good value too, Schnapper, Salmon, Orange Roughy, Tuna etc. for just $100 per 25 Kilo lot.
All their catch was sold, and the seafront was clear of cars again in less than an hour.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17759 on: April 02, 2020, 03:13:39 PM »
A man went out with his buddies for a night on the town, ending up in a house of ill repute.

A week later, he was at his doctor's office, complaining about the large green lump on the end of his penis.

After a thorough exam, the doctor consulted a large book, flicking through it until he finally looked up.

"I'm afraid this is quite serious. You know how boxers get cauliflower ear?"

"Yeah?" said his patient.

"Well," the doctor said, "it seems you've developed a brothel sprout!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17760 on: April 02, 2020, 06:19:59 PM »
Cabbie was driving a blonde home after the nightclub closed.

"Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" queried the taxi driver.

"Ummm ... his armour??" said the blonde.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17761 on: April 02, 2020, 06:31:38 PM »
The waiter asked me 'Do you want white, or unrefined sugar?'

I said 'It doesn't matter - I'm Ambidextrose.'
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17762 on: April 02, 2020, 07:24:03 PM »
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty young women is not a "Sugar Daddy", but an artificial sweetener.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17763 on: April 02, 2020, 07:26:39 PM »
I’ve always heard that you should surround yourself with ‘positive’ people. I think I might give that advice a miss this time around.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17764 on: April 02, 2020, 08:57:02 PM »
A group of women created an online dating site to try and attract sugar daddies.

They called it "Girls just wanna have funds"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17765 on: April 02, 2020, 09:21:38 PM »
America is truly the greatest country.

It has freedom from prosecution for cops and politicians ...
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17766 on: April 03, 2020, 01:35:14 AM »
Travel Agent "Getting you THERE is no problem, its just getting you home again this afternoon before they close the borders!"

Travellers "But ... we are only flying from Essendon to Moorabbin???"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17767 on: April 03, 2020, 01:43:56 AM »
My friend is quarantined to his home.
One benefit of living in a mobile home,
he can go basically anywhere without leaving home!
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17768 on: April 03, 2020, 06:55:31 AM »
A rental van ran over my foot today...


Bloody Hertz!
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17769 on: April 03, 2020, 07:02:42 AM »
Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family.
Here's a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:

* The really obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
* The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
* His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
* An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
* And his magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17770 on: April 03, 2020, 07:13:23 AM »
After he learned that his parents were getting separated,

Yoda said:-


"May divorce be with you"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online NTRebel

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17771 on: April 03, 2020, 08:31:34 AM »
 Kev don't make me laugh while I'm choking on a durrie.

A rental van ran over my foot today...


Bloody Hertz!

I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17772 on: April 03, 2020, 09:18:28 AM »
Hiya Paul, all the best for Easter, mate.  :thumb
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online NTRebel

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17773 on: April 03, 2020, 09:22:04 AM »
And you mate. :chocolate-box-smiley-emoticon :chocolate-box-smiley-emoticon
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17774 on: April 03, 2020, 10:53:37 AM »
Lockdown.

Don't forget to adjust your clocks this weekend,

.. nothing worse than being late to go sit in your lounge room to stare at the four walls all day.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960