Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Some woman has been telling all her friends about how I’m a stalker.

She’s texting- hang on, there’s some glare on the window...

[ruSTynutz]

         Kev on his mighty Honda ST1100...

[Kev Murphy]

 

And the mizzle has just started circling here...

[Kev Murphy]

Still dry here... but clouds circling..

[Kev Murphy]

Where has the time gone?

It's 35 years since the Challenger exploded on take-off, January 28, 1986!

That's almost half my lifetime ago!

[Kev Murphy]

Home safe, will do a ride report later.

Did you miss me??? 

[ruSTynutz]

Seems like it was only yesterday since I last saw you, Kev...

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

It was Harry’s last day of work before retirement. His boss wanted to give a speech thanking him for his many years of service.

“Harry is a man who doesn’t know the meaning of impossible task, who doesn’t know the meaning of lunch break, who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word no,” he exclaimed. “So we’ve clubbed together and bought him a dictionary.”

[Kev Murphy]

An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant.
After he finished his wine, he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.

It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.

When he arrived at his front door, he realised he didn’t have his keys.
He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom.
He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realised he’d left his hat on the table.

He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked: “Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”

[Kev Murphy]

A grandmother telephoned St Joseph’s Hospital and she timidly asked: “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator responded: “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the patient’s name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said: “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied: “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone: “Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”

The grandmother said: “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied: “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said: “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me any bloody thing.”

[Kev Murphy]

After a round of golf, four older ladies sat around the clubhouse chatting.
After noticing them, a regular golf pro approached them and asked: “How did your game go?”

The first lady said she had a good round and made the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a “rider” was.

The second quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.

While the fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.

The pro was completely confused not knowing what the term “rider” meant. But, because he didn’t want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well, and then left.

He then approached the bartender and asked: “Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to ‘riders’?”

The bartender simply smiled and said: “A ‘rider” is when you hit a shot far enough, to ride on the golf buggy instead of walking to your ball.”

[Kev Murphy]

Little Johnny had an ear infections and had to go to the paediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner.

When he asked Little Johnny, “Is there anything you are allergic to?” Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the paediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny’s mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny’s mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor’s instructions, it read: “Do not take with broccoli.”

[Kev Murphy]

Five blondes walk into a bar, and one of them says to the bartender: “A round of drinks for me and my friends.”

They get their drinks and raise their glasses for a toast, “To 51 days!” and they drink.

One of the blondes asks the bartender to set them up with another round.

Again they toast, “To 51 days!” and they drink.

After they order a third round, the bartender asks what the toast means.

One of them answered, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle.
- On the box it said, ‘two to four years’, and we finished it in just 51 days!”

[Kev Murphy]

The definition of a perfectionist:

Someone who wants to go from point A ... to point A+

[Kev Murphy]

This thread is very similar to owning a dog.


The thread consists of 'puns and riddles' ... and spoonerisms. 

[Kev Murphy]

Private Parker often found himself stuck with KP duty.

One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, “If you give me a paring knife, I could peel these potatoes a lot faster.”

The cook turned slowly to Parker and said, “Son, you’re in the Army. You have plenty of time.”

[Kev Murphy]

Never interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle.

Or chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.

[Kev Murphy]

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “And what do you do for a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him to jail, and lock him up for contempt.”

Defendant: “And when will I be released?”
The Judge shrugged: “Oh, sooner or later.”

[Kev Murphy]

Customer in a sporting goods store: "Do you have jogging shorts?"

Staffer: "We have running shorts. How fast were you planning on going?"

[Kev Murphy]

Told a joke to my Hawaiian friend.

He gave a quiet laugh.

Aloha.

[Kev Murphy]

The latest plea from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) argues that calling someone a “chicken” when they’re scared, or a “sloth” if they’re lazy “perpetuates speciesism”.

“Calling someone an animal as an insult reinforces the myth that humans are superior to other animals & justified in violating them,” PETA wrote on Twitter.


Awwww, diddums... imagine how the poor animals will be mentally traumatised by all this...

[Kev Murphy]

Scam/telemarketer call 5 minutes ago.

Looked at phone, 'overseas' displayed. Picked up and put phone next to speakers, and initiated mp3 file on the desktop.

The 'Goodies' theme tune. (goody goody yum yum)

Frustrated indian accented voice: "Why you be waste my time!!"

Ummm ... ME wasting HIS time???????


Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

[Kev Murphy]

Its nice to know that not even dud lawyers will defend Trump in his upcoming impeachment court case next week, regardless of his wealth.

[Kev Murphy]