Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

The joke industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid.

Nobody has walked into a bar for months.

[Kev Murphy]

I wasn't particularly close to my dad when he died.

Which was very lucky, because he trod on a land mine.

[Kev Murphy]

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed!
A copy recently sold at an auction for over half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man.
"It was scribbled all over in the margins in fifteen hundred and something by some guy named Martin Luther."

[Kev Murphy]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display?
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded.
"The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"He's your doctor."

[Kev Murphy]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ; There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Kev Murphy]

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,

“Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy.
As my child grows older each day, I realise that he looks a lot like my best friend.

I’m really happy my prayer worked.

[Kev Murphy]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true.
You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher, and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Kev Murphy]

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student without saying a word.
"Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps idiots like you out of medical school."

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

A duck was standing next to a busy road. Cars were zooming by as he waited for a break in traffic.

A Chicken walked past and said "Don't do it.. you'll never hear the end of it "

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.
"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda's garden. "Something for this, I have." Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda's home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He's used all his forks but one, he discovers. "That's ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. "I'll write us a note reminding us to buy more." So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. "Master Yoda!" he asks. "What did I do wrong?"

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and de fence. Never for a tack!"

[Kev Murphy]

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to call the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my paycheck in my pocket."

"Oh, really?" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

[Kev Murphy]

I proposed to my wife while in Florence...

... I can't say either of them were particularly impressed.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

My girlfriend messaged me to say she’s breaking up with me because I’m too childish.

So I marched over to her house, rang her doorbell, and ran away

That’ll teach her

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]