Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5864880 times)

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7050 on: April 01, 2018, 01:16:33 PM »
Jimbob and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. Jimbob reassured his buddy, though.

"Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."

They shot in the air three times, but no one came.

After a while, they tried it again.

Still no response.

When they decided to try once more, Bubba said,

"It better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows."

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7051 on: April 01, 2018, 01:17:37 PM »
"Do you think I'm made of bricks?!"

Sid Snot (aka Kenny Everett) wants his joke back.
 

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7052 on: April 01, 2018, 02:07:44 PM »
.... only just realised we are back to 'REAL' time again... Nobody done told me!
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7053 on: April 01, 2018, 02:16:48 PM »
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a nasty fall and broke both of his legs. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
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Bodø Glimt

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7054 on: April 01, 2018, 03:01:18 PM »
.... only just realised we are back to 'REAL' time again... Nobody done told me!


Or maybe you weren't paying attention.

http://ozstoc.com/index.php?topic=12652.0
 

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7055 on: April 01, 2018, 03:50:40 PM »
Was just chatting to my mate. His wife returned from Melbourne late Thursday via VicRail.
Monumental stuffup, supposed to be a change from train to bus at Warrnambool at 11.15 pm.
Her ticket stated Train Melb/Warrnambool, Bus Warrnambool/Portland. No bus?
VicRail had to shell out $540 for 2 cabfares to transport 6 people to Portland. (too many for one cab)
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Offline NTRebel

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7056 on: April 01, 2018, 06:01:27 PM »
That's typical Vic Rail. :angry-old-man-smiley-emoticon :angry-old-man-smiley-emoticon
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7057 on: April 01, 2018, 09:21:52 PM »
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,

"Just be thankful we're still above the grass!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7058 on: April 01, 2018, 09:23:46 PM »
A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

"Sure!" The doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7059 on: April 01, 2018, 09:25:38 PM »
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.

"Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and relieves himself.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:

"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
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Offline NTRebel

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7060 on: April 01, 2018, 10:06:01 PM »
 :Like: :rofl :rofl

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.

"Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and relieves himself.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:

"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7061 on: April 01, 2018, 11:41:25 PM »
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to Morris, the circus impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground landing softly on the toe of one foot.

Morris stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says,

"Is that all you've got? ...  Bird imitations?"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7062 on: April 01, 2018, 11:46:10 PM »
Guard Dog

A woman, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," she thought, and took the dog.

One day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.

As the men got closer, the dog ran and hid under the nearest car.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7063 on: April 02, 2018, 02:34:21 AM »
Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, a woman and her children were awed by the sight.

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so they asked if they each could light one - which they did.

The mother explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.

"Do you have any questions?" she asked.

"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it belongs to me!."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7064 on: April 02, 2018, 05:19:14 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7065 on: April 02, 2018, 07:38:11 AM »
PEOPLE --

Some make things happen

Some watch things happen

The majority have no idea what has happened
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7066 on: April 02, 2018, 11:15:39 AM »
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7067 on: April 02, 2018, 01:47:26 PM »
Santa and the FAA
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test...

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check-ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7068 on: April 02, 2018, 06:44:00 PM »
Inventing the first telephone wasn't such a great idea.


Inventing the SECOND one was a massive improvement.


I wonder if they ever dialled a wrong number with those first two phones?


Did they ever attempt to call, only to find the other phone was engaged?


(At least there were no telemarketers, then)
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7069 on: April 02, 2018, 07:58:03 PM »
Employee: Boss can I have the day off tomorrow?

Boss: So you want a day off. New Year's eve, huh? Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 public holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work, and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7070 on: April 02, 2018, 08:04:12 PM »
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7071 on: April 03, 2018, 03:02:00 AM »
Hillbilly logic.

Bubba-J confided to Jim-Bob


"Dont use them thar condoms, 'cuz they don't prevent pregnancy, and they cause your kids to be born BLACK!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7072 on: April 04, 2018, 03:55:16 PM »
This one especially for Brock.

It's a Pug-of-War!

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Online Brock

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7073 on: April 04, 2018, 05:07:52 PM »
 :girl-blowing-kiss-smiley-emot
Brock
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #7074 on: April 04, 2018, 06:20:40 PM »
 :rofl
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