Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862230 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7550 on:** May 21, 2018, 10:32:51 AM »

Did you hear about the Blonde who was injured while raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

Was trapped on an escalator for 2 1/2 hours when the power went out.

Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

Hates M&Ms because they are so hard to peel.

Took two hours to watch Sixty Minutes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7551 on:** May 21, 2018, 11:06:15 AM »

Another Telemarketer call today.... when he started, I said:

"Thank you for calling the Psychic Hotline. All our operators are busy at present. DON'T leave your name or number, as we KNOW who you are, and we KNOW what you want. One of our operators will call you back when they are free"

*CLICK*

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7552 on:** May 21, 2018, 11:09:12 AM »

Went and got my Flu shot this morning... no fuss, 5 minutes wait, in and out again in less than 10 minutes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7553 on:** May 21, 2018, 02:19:05 PM »

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked
it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid
to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying
how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right,
so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.

**The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.**

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7554 on:** May 21, 2018, 06:46:43 PM »

Hmmm, looks as tho my time in the forum may be limited... ?

According to a phonecall at 6.35 pm, I will be arrested shortly for an unpaid Tax bill.

Yer, riiiiight!

I wont actually type what I said to this caller, but it basically involves the physically impossible task of having sex with yourself.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7555 on:** May 21, 2018, 06:49:49 PM »

Oh wow!.... as I sent the above post, a news report came online reporting the exact same scam!

Brock · « **Reply #7556 on:** May 21, 2018, 07:09:15 PM »

Quote

According to a phonecall at 6.35 pm, I will be arrested shortly for an unpaid Tax bill.

I had one of those calls, I told the guy it must be serious as I have had calls from interpol, CIA , FBI and IRS telling me the same thing.

He didnt want to talk to me after that.. :(

Bodø Glimt · « **Reply #7557 on:** May 21, 2018, 07:38:16 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7558 on:** May 21, 2018, 08:08:39 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7559 on:** May 22, 2018, 03:39:49 AM »

An American and a Russian were chatting.
The yank said "I once pee'd on the Whitehouse lawn!"
The Russian replied "Were you arrested?"
"Nah!... it was dark!"

The Russian then said "I once took a dump on the steps of the Kremlin!"
The yank asked "Were you arrested?"
"Nah!... I still had my trousers on!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7560 on:** May 23, 2018, 07:14:30 AM »

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life.
This enables you at 85 years of age to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $3000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Jdbiker · « **Reply #7561 on:** May 23, 2018, 08:08:24 AM »

Good morning Kev, have you done your two and a half push ups then?🤓

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7562 on:** May 23, 2018, 08:25:57 AM »

Almost, JD. Can't rush these things you know.

(The two pushups are achieved by removing the cats from my pillow, and the half is by presenting my feet to the floor)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7563 on:** May 23, 2018, 08:06:33 PM »

Have you heard about the cotton weevil who travels the worlds plantations to interview other weevils about their lives.

It is being made into a mini-series, called "For Whom The Boll Tells"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7564 on:** May 23, 2018, 08:28:09 PM »

There was and old woman

Who lived in a shoe

She had so many Children

... that the Anti-Labor Party demanded that she be neutered, in an effort to reduce Child Support benefits.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7565 on:** May 23, 2018, 09:16:46 PM »

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated on him and when he came round he was relieved when they told him all had gone to plan and he was going to be fine.

But the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. He was worried that something may be wrong but he was still too weak from the surgery to do anything. Eventually, he managed to pull his hospital gown down enough to check what was causing the discomfort. When he looked down at his chest he saw three wide strips of ultra-adhesive tape stuck firmly to him. Written on it in large black letters was the message:

"Get well soon... from the nurse you gave the ticket to last week. I'll be round to remove the tape later."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7566 on:** May 23, 2018, 09:27:28 PM »

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I put it on autopilot, and the copilot, the navigator and myself went back and made a hot coffee, and we heated some donuts in the microwave!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7567 on:** May 23, 2018, 09:35:27 PM »

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters...

So Trump can't tweet them.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7568 on:** May 23, 2018, 09:36:40 PM »

Trump has announced that he's going to ban wind farms now he's president.

He really needs to keep his hair on.

Brock · « **Reply #7569 on:** May 23, 2018, 09:39:47 PM »

Quote

"I put it on autopilot, and the copilot, the navigator and myself went back and made a hot coffee, and we heated some donuts in the microwave!"

I also turned off two engines....

Shillas · « **Reply #7570 on:** May 23, 2018, 10:11:16 PM »

And went to the toilet

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7571 on:** May 24, 2018, 04:38:14 AM »

The entire Stern family was physically unfit, and on Centrelink Benefits until they were forced to attend fitness and exercise classes.

Centrelink stated "We will leave no Stern untoned!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7572 on:** May 24, 2018, 07:29:18 AM »

I am not very keen on breakfast cereal, but I find that weetbix soaked in bourbon overnight seems acceptable.

NTRebel · « **Reply #7573 on:** May 24, 2018, 08:48:44 AM »

That's the only way to eat weetbix Kev.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7574 on:** May 24, 2018, 10:35:22 AM »

A German walked into a bar and asked for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”

The German replied, “Nein, just one.”

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862230 times)

Bodø Glimt