Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

I was reading the paper the other day, because my neighbor slept in........

[Kev Murphy]

Ever ride down the highway, and a policeman comes up behind you?
Then everybody goes two by two behind him.
He's like the pace car at a race meeting.
When he exits, we're back to green flag racing!

[Kev Murphy]

What happened to airplane flight attendants being cute? What the hell happened to that?

Girls on my last flight were so ugly, they would make Ray Charles flinch.

[Kev Murphy]

A hillbilly went fishing and caught a rainbow trout.

But he threw it back 'cause he said he didn't want no gay fish.

[Kev Murphy]

The Press name for the Clinton sex scandal was 'Fornigate'

[Kev Murphy]

The firefighter climbs the ladder to the bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette,
"Ah", he says, "You are the third pregnant girl I've rescued this month."
"But, I'm not pregnant?"
"You're not rescued yet!"

[Kev Murphy]

[Biggles]

Another 3 weeks of 30 jokes per day and you'll pass my post number.

[Kev Murphy]

One of the hazards of being housebound without mobility.

With warmer weather approaching, I may soon get a chance to cross the threshold.

[NTRebel]

One of the hazards of being housebound without mobility.

With warmer weather approaching, I may soon get a chance to cross the threshold.

I know that feeling real well Kev.

[Kev Murphy]

WHY?? ~

<> Do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
<> Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
<> Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
<> Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call
       from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
<> Do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.
<> Do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

[Kev Murphy]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night?"

[Kev Murphy]

Doctor was examining a blondes ear.

He said to her "Could you stick your finger in the other ear, because that sunlight is quite glaring"

[Kev Murphy]

I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt.

Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends for 7.

[Kev Murphy]

A blonde couldn't decide whether to cook a meal, or order home delivery,
so she challenged herself to a game of rock, paper, scissors with her reflection in the mirror.

[Kev Murphy]

Two women were chatting at a bar.
One said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman," That will certainly revolutionise the game of football!"

[Kev Murphy]

By the time you're eighty years old, you've learned everything there is to know about life.

If only you could remember it.

[Kev Murphy]

One night, this guy in the bar was rapidly knocking down drink after drink. 
The bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she's not talking to me for a whole month."
After thinking it over, the bartender asked. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?".
"Yeah, except that today is the end of the month."

[Gadget]

Two women were chatting at a bar.
One said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman," That will certainly revolutionise the game of football!"

Stolen

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Kev Murphy]

A woman said to her doctor "You must have wired my pacemaker incorrectly.
...Every time my husband kisses me, the garage door goes up, the traffic lights go green, and the TV changes channel."

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Shillas]

Two women were chatting at a bar.
One said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman," That will certainly revolutionise the game of football!"

Any comment Bodo? 

[Kev Murphy]

STD Warning

Worse than SARS and Bird Flu combined.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior.
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the previous four years.
 
Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include:
anti-social personality disorders,
delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones,
extreme cognitive dissonance,
inability to incorporate new information,
pronounced xenophobia and paranoia,
inability to accept responsibility for own actions,
cowardice masked by misplaced bravado,
uncontrolled facial smirking,
ignorance of geography and history,
tendencies towards evangelical theocracy,
categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

[Kev Murphy]

A new pilot took his girlfriend on his first nighttime "solo" flight.
He wanted to be really cool, so as he was approaching the small field to land, instead of making the usual official requests to the tower, he just said: "Guess whoooo?"
Without missing a beat, the controller switched off the field landing lights and said: "Guess where...??"