Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5579275 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9525 on:** October 13, 2018, 01:22:10 PM »

Italian father sent a letter to his son who was in Prison.

Dear Giuseppe, I am finding it so hard being alone here while you are locked up.
I was going to dig up the back garden and plant some tomatoes, but the ground
is so hard, and I am too old. Love Papa.

Giuseppe replied.
Papa! Do not dig in the garden! That is where I hid the drugs! Love Giuseppe.

A week later, another letter from Papa.
Dear Giuseppe, the police and drug squad came at 5am with a search warrant,
and they tore apart the back yard, but found nothing! Love Papa.

Dear Papa, sorry about the early morning raid, it was the best I could do from here.
Now that the garden has been dug, you can plant your tomatoes, Love Giuseppe.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9526 on:** October 13, 2018, 06:13:09 PM »

(Spanish - 'culero' or *sshole)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9527 on:** October 13, 2018, 06:35:07 PM »

Husband got a knock back, so he said to his wife:

"Just because the roller coaster is out of order, there is no need to shut down the entire amusement park?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9528 on:** October 13, 2018, 07:15:07 PM »

Some Americans think that Trump is the SUN GOD!

Many can be heard declaring "YOU are SOL !"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9529 on:** October 13, 2018, 07:53:40 PM »

Just a couple of minutes of entertainment.

https://youtu.be/ZWpdED9ESYQ

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9530 on:** October 13, 2018, 08:27:37 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9531 on:** October 13, 2018, 09:30:05 PM »

My friend and I were sitting at a bar, he pointed to two drunks sitting opposite us and said:

"That's us, in ten years time."

I replied "That's a MIRROR, you idiot!"

Bodø · « **Reply #9532 on:** October 13, 2018, 09:34:10 PM »

I told my psychiatrist that I keep hearing voices. He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9533 on:** October 13, 2018, 10:51:02 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9534 on:** October 14, 2018, 01:03:54 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9535 on:** October 14, 2018, 03:06:56 AM »

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.
One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9536 on:** October 14, 2018, 07:01:32 AM »

A blind guy walked into a store, swinging his guide dog on its lead above his head.
The shop owner asked "Can I help you?"
He replied "Nah! ... Just looking around!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9537 on:** October 14, 2018, 07:02:59 AM »

I don't think my wife likes me very much.

When I had a heart attack, she wrote a letter to the ambulance base station.

Bodø · « **Reply #9538 on:** October 14, 2018, 08:25:30 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 14, 2018, 01:03:54 AM

My wife once told me I wasn't listening. I thought it was a pretty weird way to start a conversation.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9539 on:** October 14, 2018, 08:29:40 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9540 on:** October 14, 2018, 07:31:49 PM »

A gang of robbers break into the office of a prestigous law firm. The Lawyers give them one hell of a fight.

The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook notes. "We got $25 between us."

The leader screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers...we had more than $300 when we broke in!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9541 on:** October 14, 2018, 08:00:51 PM »

I guess the telemarketers have given up on me, had no calls for a few weeks now, ... or maybe they are on annual leave?

Also, spam emails have either ceased, or my security filters have taken care of them.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9542 on:** October 15, 2018, 01:49:13 AM »

The reason that the Desk Officer at the local Police Station doesn't look out the window all morning, is because he wouldn't have anything to do after lunch.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9543 on:** October 15, 2018, 03:00:24 AM »

Some people just should not be allowed to access social media

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9544 on:** October 15, 2018, 03:25:01 AM »

...And I thought that the scammers had given up on me ...

Now this bloke had done his homework, (sort of...) as he had my name, my fathers name, and our residence correct.

Phone call. "Good afternoon..." (at 4.15am) ... An accented Indian voice informed me that my father had
an accident at work, and required aerial ambulance transportation to Adelaide Hospital from Whyalla.
.
As his ambulance cover did not include this cost, I was asked to fwd my bank account details for payment
of the medivac flight.

I led the guy along for a few minutes, and then declared that I would NOT pay the bill,
because the flight was a waste of time and money, and would be pointless.

He seemed horrified! "But this is your FATHER!"
I replied "You have some mis-information with the details of this claim because my father died and was cremated
In Feb 1968, and no matter how far you fly his ashes, it will not benefit his health!"

« **Reply #9545 on:** October 15, 2018, 04:21:56 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 15, 2018, 03:00:24 AM

Some people just should not be allowed to access social media

You're a teenager. Umpteen is a teen.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9546 on:** October 15, 2018, 05:43:46 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9547 on:** October 15, 2018, 07:35:51 AM »

Defendant: Your Honor, I want another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9548 on:** October 15, 2018, 08:19:53 AM »

Q: What did Elvis say after seeing Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie on television?

A: "What a relief! I thought she married a black guy!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9549 on:** October 15, 2018, 12:05:10 PM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5579275 times)

Bodø

Bodø