Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Rabbi Schwartz answers his phone.


"Hello is this Rabbi Schwartz?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Sam Cohen?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000?"

"He will."

[Kev Murphy]

This Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.

When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Christian dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" dog tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,

"Heel !"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

[Kev Murphy]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all; and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?

You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"

[Kev Murphy]

How to make life simpler



Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

[Bodø Glimt]

I used to read the obituaries and cross them out of the phone boo.

[NTRebel]

You can make it even easier and cross out the names of everyone you don't like as well.

[Kev Murphy]

Yup!, that works,too!

[Kev Murphy]

As I seem to be the kind of 'highly valued' customer that Hardly Normal rewards
with freebies, I have just received another $500 voucher from them ...
(Even tho I have never even stepped into any of their stores.)

Oh!... Email origin ... Ankara, Turkey?

[Kev Murphy]

Bob had this problem of restless nights, getting up late in the morning, and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning.
After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "The pill the Doc gave me actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where have you been the past 3 days?"

[Kev Murphy]

A lady went to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.

A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaner."

[Kev Murphy]

Three fence repair contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were fencers, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900.... $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $680. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $80 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "A thousand for me, a thousand for you, I buy you lunch, and we hire that guy from Texas."

[Kev Murphy]

Each evening, bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.

For many months, the man and his friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her neighbor, who lived a few doors away.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

[Kev Murphy]

   Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?


Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

[Kev Murphy]

.... and then there was the confused blonde, who queried if she could pay for an online item with Uber ....

[Kev Murphy]

According to the almighty do-gooders and the politically correct, children should be seen, and not spanked or grounded.

So how are you supposed to correct kids who go around stealing, and smashing other peoples property?

The old system worked for thousands of years, why 'fix' something thats not broken?

When I was a child, we knew that if we did something wrong, not only would the cops kick our bums, but there would be hell to pay when we got home.

It worked!

[Bodø Glimt]

I agree, but Mrs Glimt doesn't.

[Kev Murphy]

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked,
"If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

[Bodø Glimt]

Makes sense.

[Kev Murphy]

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me....She was talking to the doctor!" .

[Kev Murphy]

A blonde bought two horses, but could never tell them apart.
A neighbor suggested that she trim the tail of one horse and that worked great, until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.
It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse.
That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the brown horse was a full 3 inches taller than the black one.

[Kev Murphy]

President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh...Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton. "Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip as he always does and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale.

There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.'

And I made some statements that were misleading but legally accurate you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't officially call it 'Hell.'

You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't actually call it 'eternity.'

And when you enter you don't have to 'abandon all hope', just don't plan to hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

[Kev Murphy]

American news clip online

The news reader had two assistants, Monica and Melissa, and got tonguetied, and called one woman Melonica....

[Kev Murphy]

   The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.'
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!'

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, 'You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?' The Lord sighed, and said, 'No, I guess not.' Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!'

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, 'Why did you let him do that?''

The Lord smiled and replied, 'Who's he going to tell?'

[Kev Murphy]

Modern Latin ...

 VENI,VEDI,VISA

- I came, I saw, I shopped.

[Kev Murphy]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.