Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Is Disney World a people trap, operated by a mouse?

[Bodø Glimt]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.  The mime next door went nuts.

I used saying that my family's favorite cassette in my record collection was the head cleaner.

[Kev Murphy]

Back during the 70's while in the Army, we had a cassette label professionally printed, and affixed it to a blank tape.

"Marcel Marceau Greatest Hits Live!"   

Tape was posted to a certain 'thick' army buddy, who actually tried to play the tape.

Was well worth the printing charges.

[Kev Murphy]

The Wolf Man comes home from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Oh well, I guess it's that time of the month again."

[Kev Murphy]

A man died and went to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you can get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate, the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!"

[Kev Murphy]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse drawn buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around  his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."

[Kev Murphy]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God had created everything, including human beings.

Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Tommy, what's the matter?"

Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife."

[Kev Murphy]

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left.

As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, vanishing cream DOES work!"

[Kev Murphy]

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.
St. Peter, seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought street paving ?!!!"

[Kev Murphy]

After submitting to X-rays, electrocardiograms and blood tests, the anxious patient waited for the doctor's opinion.

"Howard," the physician began, "I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"My son has been accepted to the Harvard School of Medicine."

"And the bad news?"

"You're going to pay for it."

[Kev Murphy]

A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.

The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"

The old man replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity and persistence.

"You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?"

The old man nods.

"How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?"

The old man becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."

The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?"

"How does it feel?" the old man replies. "It feels like I'm talking to a wall."

[Kev Murphy]

The newlywed blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later the blonde was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."

[Kev Murphy]

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 27 bus. It'll take you right there."
She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 27 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 23rd bus just went by!"

[Kev Murphy]

A young boy of four was going into hospital to ha have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery.

On the day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you please circumcise him while he is asleep.

The Dr. agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.

After about a week he got to see his playmate again.
The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon.
He asked him to tell him about the surgery.

The little boy replied 'All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are.'

[Kev Murphy]

An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

[Kev Murphy]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I fill that hole with water!!"

[Kev Murphy]

Ah!... nothing like the good old 'Microsoft' scam late on a Sunday evening.

Indian accent "This is Michael from Microsoft...We be calling you for report your computer is spreading VIRUS!"
Me: "Uh_huh? .. and how can you tell this?"
"We are watching internet with World Wide Server!"
(Now that must be an enormous, complicated piece of equipment?)
Me: "I think your World Wide Server is faulty!"
"NO NO! You WINDOWS is sending virus!"
Me: "I don't think so?"
"For me to be fixing, You must press on 'Start' icon on desktop, and then..."
Me: "But, my Mac computer does not have a 'Start' icon? ... or 'Windows' "


......

......

......


'click!'         

[Kev Murphy]

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"

[Kev Murphy]

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

[Kev Murphy]

My girlfriend claims I’m hopeless at fixing electrical appliances.

Well, she's in for a big shock.

[Kev Murphy]

If the 7-11 store is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

[Bodø Glimt]

For unforeseen circumstances like power outages.

[Jdbiker]

The locks are for leap years🤓

[Bodø Glimt]

An OTR near our house says "we never close" and directly below it says hours 5:00am to 11:00pm.

[ppopeye]

Quote from: Kev Murphy on April 07, 2018, 01:22:43 PM<blockquote>A man died and went to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you can get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate, the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!"




Thats the best one for a while