Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5864642 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7150 on:** April 11, 2018, 04:04:58 PM »

Woolies email is way off the mark...

They sent me an email, listing my '12 top personalised specials' for this week.....

5 of the items listed I have never before purchased in my lifetime!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7151 on:** April 11, 2018, 04:10:33 PM »

A student comes back to the dorm and finds his roommate near tears. "What's the matter pal?" he asked.
His roommate says, "I wrote home for my parents to send me some money so that I could buy a laptop."

"So I guess they said no?" the student asked.

"No, they sent me a laptop!!!" the roommate moaned.

Gadget · « **Reply #7152 on:** April 11, 2018, 05:24:44 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on April 10, 2018, 10:10:14 PM

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets?

To keep their ears warm.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7153 on:** April 11, 2018, 06:04:09 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7154 on:** April 11, 2018, 08:17:43 PM »

Todays revelation.

Do you have any idea how hard and uncomfortable a pillow becomes, when it is semi compressed by a large fat grey cat?

Shadow finds a new fresh place to sleep within the flat every week or so...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7155 on:** April 11, 2018, 08:21:29 PM »

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7156 on:** April 11, 2018, 08:41:56 PM »

"What occupation are you involved with?"

"Bees nests"

"Where are you located?"

"Nunyah"

"So.... Nunyah Bees nests?"

"You got it!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7157 on:** April 11, 2018, 09:33:42 PM »

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for 12 months!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7158 on:** April 11, 2018, 11:17:31 PM »

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7159 on:** April 11, 2018, 11:59:04 PM »

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.

Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7160 on:** April 12, 2018, 03:50:32 PM »

It's not hard to meet expenses.

They're everywhere.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7161 on:** April 12, 2018, 04:14:46 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7162 on:** April 12, 2018, 04:49:00 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7163 on:** April 12, 2018, 10:12:58 PM »

Who will he goad into War this week?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7164 on:** April 12, 2018, 10:30:35 PM »

How many American cops does it take to change a light bulb?

NONE! ... they just beat the crap out of the room for being black!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7165 on:** April 13, 2018, 01:24:31 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7166 on:** April 13, 2018, 02:01:13 AM »

Hmmm ?? ... seems more Irish than Scottish?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7167 on:** April 13, 2018, 02:13:38 AM »

Bloody frustrating!

Went to the ATM to get my pension, and the machine ate my card!

Was looking fwd to going to the all night servo to get an iced coffee, too!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7168 on:** April 13, 2018, 10:31:26 AM »

Got my card back, apparently there was a computer glitch right at the moment I tried to use my card.

All good, NOW I have my iced coffee.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7169 on:** April 13, 2018, 08:03:43 PM »

Him: "Still got that girlfriend?"
Me: "Nah!"
Him: "Didn't you tell her about your millionaire father?"
Me: "Yeah... that's why she's now my stepmother!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7170 on:** April 13, 2018, 08:32:15 PM »

Another blast from the past.

Many years ago after my first missus shot thru to Sydney with a truckie, I was contacted by courts/police for failing to pay child support to my ex?

... except that the childs recorded date of birth was 18 months after she shot through, and I had proof that at the time of conception I was working on an offshore oil rig north of Onslow in Western Australia, and had been there on continuous twelve hour shifts for more than 12 months.
Unknown if she was charged for that one.

« **Reply #7171 on:** April 13, 2018, 08:35:51 PM »

You have enough stories to rival Biggles' motorcycle quotes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7172 on:** April 13, 2018, 08:44:52 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7173 on:** April 13, 2018, 09:25:02 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7174 on:** April 13, 2018, 09:44:23 PM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5864642 times)