Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5579777 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8725 on: August 14, 2018, 10:29:42 AM »
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.

Depression is when you lose yours.

And recovery is when Malcolm Turnbull loses his.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8726 on: August 14, 2018, 01:16:14 PM »
An accountant and his neighbor went to the Natural History museum one day.
While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion and two years old".
"Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here two years ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur was two billion years old."   

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8727 on: August 14, 2018, 04:33:29 PM »
I went out and I bought a beginners yoga video tape.

It starts off with some woman speaking in a soothing voice:
'Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it over your shoulder into the small of your back.'

 :rofl

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8728 on: August 14, 2018, 04:46:11 PM »
I think the acceptable serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8729 on: August 14, 2018, 04:51:50 PM »
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Spot here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe.
It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.

Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog.
So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Spot going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Spot! What are you doing! You've never done this before?"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8730 on: August 14, 2018, 05:00:54 PM »
Tony Abbott and the Energy guarantee.  ...  He supports it, he is against it, he supports it, he is against it.

Make up your mind!

I'm telling you, he has more positions than Paris Hilton.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8731 on: August 14, 2018, 05:31:47 PM »
Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument, and the other half playing out of tune.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8732 on: August 14, 2018, 05:40:34 PM »
Friend of mine has his office aircon all worked out.

Temperature is not adjustable, so when he wants his office warmer in winter, he sprays a can of compressed air at the thermostat.

In summer he holds a piece of burning paper near the thermostat.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8733 on: August 14, 2018, 06:26:12 PM »
"Hello, Tech Support? ... How do I set a laser printer to stun?"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8734 on: August 14, 2018, 06:28:49 PM »
Miley Cyrus will finish her memoirs as soon as she learns how to read and write. 

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8735 on: August 14, 2018, 06:31:56 PM »
Pages 1-5 of the Lada owners user manual, is a copy of the local bus and train schedule.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8736 on: August 14, 2018, 06:39:23 PM »
Miley Cyrus will finish her memoirs as soon as she learns how to read and write.

What makes you think she can't?
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8737 on: August 14, 2018, 06:47:02 PM »
She's blonde  :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8738 on: August 14, 2018, 07:49:30 PM »
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.

Little Johnny interrupted with the announcement: "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving, and she turned into a telephone pole!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8739 on: August 14, 2018, 09:50:58 PM »
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE

-The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to make it operational again.

SEAGULL MANAGER

- A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

MOUSE POTATO

- The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING

- When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

STARTER MARRIAGE

- A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY

- A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT

- An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

« Last Edit: August 14, 2018, 09:55:08 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8740 on: August 14, 2018, 10:06:23 PM »
General Motors ended their sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods because he is successful, competitive, and popular.

And that's not the image GM is trying to portray!

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8741 on: August 14, 2018, 10:10:16 PM »
A homeless person was in line ahead of me at Maccas.
After he ordered a cheeseburger, the staffer inquired "Can you afford fries with that?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8742 on: August 14, 2018, 10:26:00 PM »
A builder, a painter, and a motorcyclist were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The builder said he enjoyed time with his wife, gaining a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The painter said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The motorcyclist said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the builder and painter in unison.
The motorcyclist replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can sneak into the shed and spend some quality time polishing your bike."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8743 on: August 14, 2018, 11:27:25 PM »
So many political promises about better infrastructure, better roads, cheaper living costs, reduced power charges etc.

Heard it all before. Bugger-all done to correct it in the past, why should it be any different in the future?

As for 'Bull' Shorten, he's a wannabe falcon with about as much power as a caged sparrow, or a mute toothless chained chihuahua. (No bark, no bite, inactive)
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8744 on: August 14, 2018, 11:38:06 PM »
A man was at a jazz bar. He takes a sip of his drink and sets it down.
A blonde walks up, grabs the drink, pours it on him and smashes the glass over his head.
The man asks the barman "Who is that blonde?"
The barman replies "She's the piano players girlfriend".
The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your girlfriend poured a drink on me and smashed a glass on my head?"
The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

« Last Edit: August 14, 2018, 11:44:15 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8745 on: August 14, 2018, 11:43:38 PM »
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!
Even more, bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered,
bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested,
the Bonds grundies company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8746 on: August 14, 2018, 11:46:24 PM »
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants.
"I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8747 on: August 14, 2018, 11:52:55 PM »
The problem with the Australian economy is not that people are taxed too little, the problem is that the 'gubbermint' spends too much.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8748 on: August 14, 2018, 11:59:56 PM »
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.
He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.
Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell? ... and who would believe him, anyway?"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #8749 on: August 15, 2018, 12:03:10 AM »
A father, passing thru his son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.
Arriving at the frat house, he knocked on the door.
After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whaddya want?"
"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Just dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."

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