Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5576586 times)

Bodø · « **Reply #9400 on:** October 03, 2018, 04:08:20 AM »

Kiwi fruit originally came from China.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9401 on:** October 03, 2018, 04:14:19 AM »

Seems they will grow 'most anywhere. I had a half dozen dropped off here a few days back from a friend who grows them locally.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9402 on:** October 03, 2018, 11:29:21 AM »

I bought some HP sauce at Woolies the other day.

It's costing me 25 cents a month for the next 15 months.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9403 on:** October 03, 2018, 11:45:28 AM »

I went to a restaurant for dinner, and ordered a chicken.

When it was presented, I said to the waiter "Hey! ... This chicken is cold!"

He said "Of couse it's cold, it's been dead for two weeks!"

I then said "And look at this... He's got one leg shorter than the other?"

He replied "What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?"

I said, "Forget the chicken, give me a lobster instead."

Whem he brought me the lobster, I said "Just a minute, he's only got one claw?"

He said "Well, he's been in a fight."

I asked, "Can I have the winner?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9404 on:** October 03, 2018, 11:49:35 AM »

I rang Telstra, and said "I want to report a nuisance caller"

He said "FFS! ... Not YOU again!".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9405 on:** October 03, 2018, 11:53:23 AM »

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual?'

And the dentist said to me, "Murphy, get out of the filing cabinet."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9406 on:** October 03, 2018, 11:56:24 AM »

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9407 on:** October 03, 2018, 02:58:52 PM »

Many people make a small fortune in the horse racing industry.

Most of them started with a large fortune, and worked their way down.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9408 on:** October 03, 2018, 09:38:16 PM »

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"Well, YES!... She spoke continuously without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9409 on:** October 03, 2018, 09:41:52 PM »

Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when they came upon a severed head on the ground.

Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jazus!, this looks like O'Connor!"

Paddy replied "No, ... O'Connor was a lot taller than that"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9410 on:** October 03, 2018, 09:47:56 PM »

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language.
He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak with them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language.
The bartender explained that these were regular customers, and they had taught him to speak in sign.
The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later he noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands wildly in the air.
The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that, and the bartender replied "If I told them once I told them 100 times -
- NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9411 on:** October 04, 2018, 07:31:37 AM »

My son is 21. He'll be 22 next year if I let him live that long.

He complains about morning headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I wish he would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

He said "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked, "When's payday?"
He said, "I don't know, you're the one with a job!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9412 on:** October 04, 2018, 07:41:05 AM »

I've been in love with the same woman for almost 50 years.

If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9413 on:** October 04, 2018, 07:43:27 AM »

My wife loves to shop at Big W.

I deliver her mail to her there twice a week.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9414 on:** October 04, 2018, 07:52:11 AM »

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9415 on:** October 04, 2018, 10:20:50 AM »

Q: Do you know what size and colour of shoes that Dolly Parton wears?

A: .....Neither does she.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9416 on:** October 04, 2018, 12:06:36 PM »

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9417 on:** October 05, 2018, 12:23:43 AM »

'Listen' and 'Silent' both contain the same letters.

Amazingly, both words are used by wives to harass their husbands.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9418 on:** October 05, 2018, 03:24:05 AM »

Large Diet Soda.

A non-fattening drink you buy at a convenience store to wash down a kilo of chocolate coated peanuts.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9419 on:** October 05, 2018, 03:33:37 AM »

Message to wife.

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.

So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9420 on:** October 05, 2018, 03:00:18 PM »

Crack-face

Quack-face

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9421 on:** October 05, 2018, 07:30:26 PM »

Its not raining cats and dogs here.... but chickens and ducks.

(Fowl weather)

NTRebel · « **Reply #9422 on:** October 05, 2018, 07:47:10 PM »

Glad you're getting it Kev we're due for free showers next week.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9423 on:** October 05, 2018, 08:01:12 PM »

only light pi ... err .. pAssing showers, Paul

Just a bad tempered lost cloud I think

NTRebel · « **Reply #9424 on:** October 05, 2018, 08:44:49 PM »

You can keep the bad tempered ones Kev we only take the happy ones up here.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5576586 times)

Bodø