Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5579442 times)

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9500 on: October 12, 2018, 11:39:35 AM »
Burp. Having had one too many, the drunk was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9501 on: October 12, 2018, 01:19:57 PM »
A sheep bought an iPhone, and was showing its features to his friend.

"Look, it even has facial recognition security!"

The other sheep scorned.. "Absolutely flocking useless! ... ANYBODY could unlock your phone!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9502 on: October 12, 2018, 01:31:51 PM »
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be President,

and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president...


Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower.
It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.
Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head
-- this signifies that when the white man came to America, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.



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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9503 on: October 12, 2018, 03:30:10 PM »
Question:
Name two big hits,
two big mitts
... and a famous country singer!

Answer:
A triple and a double,
catcher's and fielder's,
and .... Dolly Parton.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9504 on: October 12, 2018, 04:36:25 PM »
Blast from the past.

Late October 1980, time to sign off from the Military at Watsonia Barracks.

Normally, using internal sources, it takes around 3 days to activate.
I decided to 'walk' my discharge papers through, obtaining clearances from the Squadron, the Regt, library, medical facility, School of Signals, etc.
Took me 3 and a half hours, and I drove out the gate at around 11.30 am on a Friday morning. Bought a paper from the newsagent a couple hundred yards down the road and headed for my home at West Heidelberg.

I rang a floor heating service based at Thomastown regarding an ad in the paper, and they asked when I could start work. I said I was free to start that day, and after a visit to the workshop I was on my way to a local job site at 2 pm.

 Several worksites over the next month, and then they asked if I could do a job at Churchill University in Gippsland. I accepted.
Uni had closed for the Christmas holidays, and I had the place to myself. There had been a factory recall on all the thermostats that controlled the heating, and the job was to replace all room thermostats at the Uni. I had a company charge card to take care of fuel, motel accomodation and meals, but decided to just grab takeaways locally and sleep in my work van onsite instead of travelling 50 km back and forth to Moe Motel each day. Spent 3x8 hour workdays at the Uni before driving back to Melbourne.

Several days later, I was summoned to the office, because there had been nothing charged on the card. When I explained that I stayed onsite, they were very grateful, and a second pay envelope was passed to me 'under the counter'

It seems that two other employees had been doing the thermostat changeovers at other Unis, but they had charged the company daily for travelling allowance each way each day... 4 hours of travel, and 4 hours of work each day, which was why they had been replaced by me.

That 'second' pay envelope was equal to my 'regular' pay envelope, so I was virtually on double pay at only half the tax, because I was prepared to stay away from home and 'rough it' by sleeping in the cab of my work vehicle, which saved the company a considerable amount in accommodation and meal fees.

I worked for that company on various worksites all over Victoria for more than 7 months before I relocated to Ashmore on the Gold Coast.
The company gave me an open invitation for re-employment with them, if I ever returned to Victoria.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9505 on: October 12, 2018, 05:00:29 PM »
I suppose you heard about the blonde who dyed her hair red, because it was easier to spell on her CV?
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9506 on: October 12, 2018, 07:09:39 PM »
The most common pregnancy craving is for the father to be the one who get pregnant.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9507 on: October 12, 2018, 09:18:41 PM »
A blind man decided that he wanted to skydive.

He attended training and was finally cleared to make his first static line jump.

When he landed, the other jumpers rushed to congratulate him, but were upset when the guy said that he would never do it again.

"Why not?" they asked.

He replied "Because it scared the crap out of my dog when we exited from the aircraft!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9508 on: October 12, 2018, 09:23:03 PM »
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9509 on: October 12, 2018, 09:28:18 PM »
 :rofl
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9510 on: October 12, 2018, 09:31:29 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9511 on: October 12, 2018, 09:36:23 PM »
His defence fell short because he didn't have a leg to stand on.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9512 on: October 13, 2018, 12:19:54 AM »
A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were each given the same red rubber ball, and told to find the volume.

The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.   

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9513 on: October 13, 2018, 12:39:11 AM »
Misinformation from Trump tweets is presented like a ruptured fire hose -

- spraying in all directions, with no way to stop it.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9514 on: October 13, 2018, 12:45:14 AM »
If Microsoft manufactured cars and you couldn't afford to buy one, could you just borrow your friends car and copy it?

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9515 on: October 13, 2018, 12:55:42 AM »

Hilary Clinton is planning to reduce teen pregnancies and prevent STDs by forcing Bill to wear condoms 24/7.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9516 on: October 13, 2018, 01:53:35 AM »
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work.

When confronted by his boss the man explained: "You can't park anywhere near this place!"

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9517 on: October 13, 2018, 02:00:51 AM »
Always take two Baptists fishing.

If you take only one, he'll drink all your beer.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9518 on: October 13, 2018, 03:26:32 AM »
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.

The rest cheat in Europe.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9519 on: October 13, 2018, 03:55:28 AM »
An eagle boarded a domestic flight with a dead rabbit under each wing.
The stewardess asked "Why are you bringing dead rabbits aboard?"
The eagle replied "They're my carrion!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9520 on: October 13, 2018, 04:07:01 AM »
If Tony Abbott and Bill Shorten were both drowning, and you could only save one of them,

... would you go to lunch or buy a magazine?
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9521 on: October 13, 2018, 06:05:35 AM »
I was bored today, so I fitted a snooze button to the smoke alarm.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9522 on: October 13, 2018, 09:21:36 AM »
A German car dealership employed a cowboy as a greeter for customers who came to the showroom.

It was his job to say "Audi"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9523 on: October 13, 2018, 09:28:28 AM »
What did Kanye West say when he met Trump the other day?

Apparently, a LOT!

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9524 on: October 13, 2018, 01:04:22 PM »
I watched a puppy rescue program on TV ... Awwww!-some.

There was a top-heavy yacht in the harbor today, it tended to ... Yaw-some.

Saw some footage of the Sydney rowing regatta ... Oar-some.

Article in the paper about the 'street workers' of St Kilda ... Whores-umm!.

Not many people showed up at Shortens latest political rally ... A poor sum.

The Spring Racing Carnival has started, Punters are betting to get their ... Horse-home.
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