Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5580183 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9625 on:** October 27, 2018, 04:29:09 AM »

A soldier, a cop, and a firefighter die and go to heaven.
Upon their arrivial, Saint Peter greets them at the Pearly Gates.
He announces to the three of them that "If you can count to 10, I will let you enter."
The solider starts to march, chanting "Hut 2 3 4!"
Saint Peter says to him "Sorry son."
The cop fronts up, pulls out his service revolver and starts to load it with bullets "1 2 3 4 5 6"
"Sorry son" Saint Peter says.
The firefighter is next and says "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10"
"Well done!" says Saint Peter. "Can you count higher?"
"For sure!" the firefighter says ... "JACK QUEEN KING ACE!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9626 on:** October 27, 2018, 04:38:32 AM »

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new replacement nurse.
They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her.
She had only worked for two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.
"Why, we only just hired her?"
"Well, I think she is dyslexic and tends to get things backward. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 4 four hours,
but she gave him 4 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she
gave her twelve in one hour."
The doctor had barely explained his reasons when the other doctor rushed from the room.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor called.
"To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil !"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9627 on:** October 27, 2018, 04:42:36 AM »

I think it'd be really cool to be a ventriloquist.

I'd attend lots of funerals. 'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today—' "Let me out! I'm not dead yet! Let me out of here, you son-of-a..."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9628 on:** October 27, 2018, 11:05:41 AM »

I attended a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra.

After finishing one recital, the conductor turned and looked directly at me.

He asked "What would I like us to play next?"

I replied "Cards!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9629 on:** October 27, 2018, 12:59:21 PM »

The one thing I miss the most after moving back to Vic from Qld, where I lived for 10 years, is the mango tree in the back yard.
Could pig out on mangos, and still had enough left over that we used to sell excess fruit at the front gate for 25 cents each.
Now they cost 3 to 5 dollars each at the supermarket.

Bodø · « **Reply #9630 on:** October 27, 2018, 01:22:43 PM »

There were mango trees over the road at Palm Cove when I lived in Cairns. Lots of squished mangoes on the road there. The other thing I remember about Cairns was the number of fruit bats that had zapped themselves on the powerlines. They used to like hanging around a lot.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9631 on:** October 27, 2018, 01:30:07 PM »

Yep! Had bats on the powerlines on the Gold Coast, too. ... and in the bananas growing at the side of the yard.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9632 on:** October 27, 2018, 03:38:56 PM »

Irish diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell, in such a way that he will look forward to making the trip

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9633 on:** October 27, 2018, 10:50:30 PM »

Did you hear about the lawyer who named his twins Sue and Bill?

Bodø · « **Reply #9634 on:** October 27, 2018, 11:00:35 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 27, 2018, 10:50:30 PM

Did you hear about the lawyer who named his twins Sue and Bill?

No. Tell me more.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9635 on:** October 27, 2018, 11:17:10 PM »

Well, it would have to be Brief ....

Flip · « **Reply #9636 on:** October 27, 2018, 11:44:15 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 27, 2018, 12:52:32 AM

The best part of Valentines Day is the day after, when all the chocolate is discounted.

Kevin, - - - ERRR ! NO - - NOT quite the best thing !!!!

Flip.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9637 on:** October 28, 2018, 03:47:03 AM »

Hey Flip, in this household it is...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9638 on:** October 28, 2018, 07:42:10 AM »

America didn't win the American Revolution.

Chuck Norris beat the British by himself.

Drunk.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9639 on:** October 28, 2018, 07:44:00 AM »

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs.

Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

StinkyPete · « **Reply #9640 on:** October 28, 2018, 08:11:08 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 27, 2018, 12:52:32 AM

The best part of Valentines Day is the day after, when all the chocolate is discounted.

Every day is Valentine's Day in our house.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9641 on:** October 29, 2018, 05:35:41 AM »

Ah!... Just another manic Monday, with yet another dental appointment later this afternoon.

I guess eventually they will have to give me some teeth.
It has been almost 14 months since this saga started.

Would be nice to be able to chew food, instead of waiting for it to dissolve.

When the dental rush is complete, the next problem will be my optical care.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9642 on:** October 29, 2018, 07:31:15 AM »

I find it difficult to understand how the 'news' of a bloody horse race takes precedence over how the government runs this country??

Shillas · « **Reply #9643 on:** October 29, 2018, 08:49:39 AM »

Careful there Kev.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9644 on:** October 29, 2018, 09:49:45 AM »

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers.
When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.
That's when one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

Wild Rose · « **Reply #9645 on:** October 29, 2018, 04:09:01 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 29, 2018, 05:35:41 AM

Ah!... Just another manic Monday, with yet another dental appointment later this afternoon.

Swap you Kev
I went in this morning and had my hernia repaired. At home now feeling a bit sore and sorry but survived

I did it before my ride to Adelaide

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9646 on:** October 29, 2018, 04:32:22 PM »

Just home from Dentist. I shall go back a little to explain this situation.
The "Emergency" Dental Clinic at the hospital here, is anything but.

First of all, I applied for dental work in late 2015, but had to wait 2 years on the waiting list to get this years appointments, starting late January this year.

In the meantime during last year, I ripped out two of my teeth at home with a pair of pliers because the 'Emergency' clinic was unable to give me an appointment. Finally my teeth were removed in February this year.
I have seen three different dentists at the hospital this year as they change staff regularly.
With luck, I should finally get my top plate in the next two weeks. (maybe....)

Today I found out that I have to wait twelve months before I can apply for a series of appointments to get my bottom plate, because one of the previously seen dentists didn't dot the i's or cross the t's on the paperwork regarding a bottom plate.
THEN I was informed that when I DO apply for treatment in twelve months, they will then place me on the two year waiting list again, so it will be late 2021 before my next appointments.

My reply to him consisted of many, many, four letter expletives in rapid succession, basically doubting the legitimacy of his birth, etc.

Wild Rose · « **Reply #9647 on:** October 29, 2018, 04:35:42 PM »

Kev
I think I am happy just having a hernia
Hope all works out for you mate

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9648 on:** October 29, 2018, 04:43:12 PM »

Wishing you a fast recovery, Leo.

NTRebel · « **Reply #9649 on:** October 29, 2018, 06:08:36 PM »

And I thought Alice Springs hospital was bad.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5580183 times)

Bodø

Bodø