Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5580580 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9725 on:** November 09, 2018, 01:18:35 PM »

After a big night out and a few drinks, Ita Buttrose finds herself bringing home a man for the night.
That man happened to be Thor, the god of thunder, rain, and farming in Norse mythology.
She leads him to her bedroom ....

The next morning arrives, and a now sober Ita Buttrose looks beside her to see the man in her bed.
Shocked, she looks at him and says "Who are you?"

"I am Thor".

Ita replies.. "Hah, you think you're thor?, ... Im tho thor I can hardly pith!."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9726 on:** November 09, 2018, 05:21:41 PM »

5.50 pm this afternoon as I was about to eat a meal, my phone rang.

Now bear in mind that this is a silent, unlisted number.

Pre-recorded Political bumf. I blocked the melbourne number (03902 12203)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9727 on:** November 09, 2018, 09:38:56 PM »

One Billion

According to a recent government publication ...

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9728 on:** November 10, 2018, 03:16:50 AM »

There was a common theme to the thoughts of Saddam Hussein and General Custer.

They both wanted to know where the hell those Tomahawks were coming from!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9729 on:** November 10, 2018, 03:21:47 AM »

In America, they have a sport where 143 white guys chase after one black guy.

Its called the PGA Tour

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9730 on:** November 10, 2018, 07:51:05 AM »

A druggie was erratically waving his arms around as he wobbled along the footpath, drawing police attention.

When questioned about his behavior, he claimed it was to keep the music out of his eyes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9731 on:** November 10, 2018, 08:01:14 AM »

When asked about the use of steroids in sports, President Trump said "I can't see any problem with using Preparation H ?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9732 on:** November 10, 2018, 11:32:31 AM »

A guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens.

His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him. "What do you think you're up to?" the policeman asked.

"I'm on my annual works outing" came the slurred reply.

"Where are all your workmates?"

"Ah" the man grinned, "I'm self employed!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9733 on:** November 10, 2018, 01:13:03 PM »

2.06pm Saturday. ANOTHER Victorian bloody political blind call survey. Number blocked. (03 9021 2218)

Edited 5.30 pm. Four further rejected political calls this afternoon from the blocked number shown above.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9734 on:** November 10, 2018, 04:26:51 PM »

Regular customers wouldn't notice, but ...

Got a dose of the munchies while out today, decided to treat myself to a snack at Maccas.

Been more than 6 years since I last bought anything there...

Ordered a bacon and egg muffin... they now seem a lot smaller than I remember, and price has jumped from $2.25 to $4.20 each...

I guess it will be anothe 6 years or more before I venture in again.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9735 on:** November 10, 2018, 07:43:00 PM »

The visiting church school supervisor asked little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.

Little Johnny replied that he did not know, but it definitely was not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge went to the school principal and related the whole incident.

The principal replied that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them.
If little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal was satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled the inspector went to the regional Head of Education, and relates the whole story again.

After listening he replied: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations, and fix the damned wall!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9736 on:** November 10, 2018, 10:40:40 PM »

3 things I hate about getting old.

Memory loss.

Repeating myself.

I can't remember the 3rd reason.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9737 on:** November 10, 2018, 10:40:50 PM »

3 things I hate about getting old.

Memory loss.

Repeating myself.

I can't remember the 3rd reason.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9738 on:** November 10, 2018, 10:50:32 PM »

Life is short.

Smile while you still have teeth.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9739 on:** November 10, 2018, 10:59:01 PM »

Human logic.

Cut down trees.

Ship them to Japan where they are converted to paper.

Japanese then sell us the paper, which we make into protest signs which read "Save the Trees!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9740 on:** November 10, 2018, 11:06:59 PM »

Parenting hack.

When punishing your kids, don't take away their phone.

Just hide their charger, and watch the fear in their eyes as they use it less and less while the battery slowly dies.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9741 on:** November 10, 2018, 11:09:19 PM »

I have never yet seen a tombstone that reads :~

"Died, because he didn't forward a message to ten people"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9742 on:** November 10, 2018, 11:13:35 PM »

I have come to the conclusion that clothes dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing sox.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9743 on:** November 10, 2018, 11:16:10 PM »

If we are not supposed to eat in the middle of the night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9744 on:** November 10, 2018, 11:24:27 PM »

Why do they have to advertise toilet paper?

Do you know anyone who doesn't buy it?

Bodø · « **Reply #9745 on:** November 11, 2018, 04:04:52 AM »

Do you buy a specific brand?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9746 on:** November 11, 2018, 04:09:13 AM »

not really.

Bodø · « **Reply #9747 on:** November 11, 2018, 04:38:36 AM »

Nah, nor do I, but I tend to buy in bulk.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9748 on:** November 11, 2018, 04:45:53 AM »

Same here.. 24 pack, maybe twice a year... of whichever brand is cheapest.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9749 on:** November 11, 2018, 09:43:50 AM »

Stay in the office for an extra hour each day, and no one notices.

Arrive at the office at 9.05 one morning, and everybody freaks out!

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5580580 times)

Bodø

Bodø