Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 308244 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10600 on: January 14, 2019, 03:48:56 AM »
Why are they called "tax returns", when so little of it does?

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10601 on: January 14, 2019, 08:39:15 AM »
The best things in life are still free, but the tax experts are working overtime on the problem.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10602 on: January 14, 2019, 08:42:50 AM »
A Politician will consider every possible way to reduce taxes, except cutting personal expenses.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10603 on: January 14, 2019, 09:28:36 AM »
A friend had a blown light bulb, asked me to change it for him this morning as he is a bit wobbly on a ladder.
Was an old incandescent filament bulb that has had continual daily use for around 20 years or so.

In the meantime, his 2 'new' low voltage halogen downlights in his hallway have required to be replaced 3 times in the past 5 years, and one transformer had to be replaced.
They might be 'power savers' but they are certainly not 'cost savers', as the multi-dollar price of replacements is far more than the cost of energy used by the old type filament lamps which retailed at 60 cents each before the Govt forced them off the market around ten years ago.
 
I still have 3 filament bulbs in my own flat, have not changed them in the almost 13 years that I have been resident here.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10604 on: January 14, 2019, 12:39:25 PM »
What a crazy day! I have had 9 people visit me so far today before midday!

4 of those were seperate people needing assistance with dodgy computers, 1 was returning a monitor which I had loaned to him, two were friends who 'just dropped in to say Hi!', and one friend who thanked me for changing a light globe, (clown wanted to pay me!), and one who popped in for a coffee after shopping.

Two others phoned, said they will be dropping by later this afternoon when they drive down from Casterton to go shopping.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10605 on: January 14, 2019, 12:50:14 PM »
« Last Edit: January 16, 2019, 09:41:02 PM by Brock »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10606 on: January 14, 2019, 12:55:27 PM »
U.S. Homeland Security has unveiled a new color-coded system to warn the public about different states of danger.

Red is the highest state of alert, and it means that Trump is about to eat a mozzarella stick, and then tweet about it.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10607 on: January 14, 2019, 07:39:56 PM »
Instant weight loss program.

A frikkan guaranteed system. Known as the Safari system.
Weight loss can be instantaneous, and at least as much as the weight of your last meal, possibly more.
Carry a spare change of clothing.
Greater more permanent results can be obtained if there are more beasts present, but may be life threatening.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10608 on: January 14, 2019, 07:45:14 PM »
Always think of the consequences before you act.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrNceAPzIt0
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10609 on: January 14, 2019, 08:19:24 PM »
A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, I think it's printed on their tummy."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10610 on: January 14, 2019, 08:23:36 PM »
Wombat,

Eats roots shoots and leaves.

I know a guy that thinks he is a wombat?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10611 on: January 14, 2019, 08:49:53 PM »
BEWARE!! ...

Legit email received from Telstra 4 days ago.




FAKE scam message received a few minutes ago...




I do not use Direct Debit, only CASH! 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10612 on: January 14, 2019, 09:05:25 PM »
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10613 on: January 14, 2019, 09:22:58 PM »
In Portland, Maine, a 500 pound moose jumped off an overpass on route I-95, falling 40 feet to it's death.

Witnesses say they overheard the moose scream before jumping, "Hey Rocky, watch me leap this guardrail!"



This joke reminds me of a time when I was driving past high ground near Pimpama on the way to Brisbane in the early 80's, when a kangaroo launched itself from the bank and crashed through the ragtop roof of a sportscar in front of me.
Landed on the back seat and kicked the crap out of the upholstery, the windows and the driver.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10614 on: January 15, 2019, 02:06:08 AM »
Lessons in life can be harsh ,,,  :grin

https://youtu.be/Zi3zacfYp4g
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10615 on: January 15, 2019, 04:15:19 AM »
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI).

It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10616 on: January 15, 2019, 04:23:09 AM »
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining weight.
"Putting on some weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. it's just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
"Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart, isn't he?."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10617 on: January 15, 2019, 06:16:17 AM »
The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10618 on: January 15, 2019, 12:37:56 PM »
There were two Catholic Boys, Timothy Murphy and Guisepe Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.
In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Guisepe was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world; but, it was generally acknowledged that Guisepe was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Guisepe who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney, and the world waited to see who they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Guisepe was beyond surprise, he was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, he knew that he himself was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Guisepe asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Guisepe and rose to reply, "We knew that you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10619 on: January 15, 2019, 12:42:01 PM »
You Know You're an Alcoholic When

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10620 on: January 15, 2019, 12:46:11 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10621 on: January 15, 2019, 12:59:56 PM »
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay.

It's fun when I call him... "Come here, Stay! Fetch, Stay! Sic him, Stay"

He lost the plot and went insane.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10622 on: January 15, 2019, 02:22:48 PM »
A friend bought a 'shoo roo' whistler for his car.

He installed it backwards.

He is easily identified on the highway, as his is the only car being chased by a mob of roos.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10623 on: January 15, 2019, 06:09:38 PM »
My watch is 2 hours fast, do I have to move to New Zealand?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #10624 on: January 15, 2019, 08:43:44 PM »
A guy tried to hit up on a woman, not realising he was in a gay bar.

She said "Bugger off!, I'm a lesbian!!"

He took a sip of his beer, and asked "So ... What part of Lesbia are you from?"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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