Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 343904 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15200 on: November 09, 2019, 09:29:11 PM »
Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day.
So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away.
The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass.
So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's ...

... uncle.

... He's got a watch.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15201 on: November 10, 2019, 12:26:21 AM »
Bob looked at Jenny and said I cant believe it! ... 5 whole happy years of marriage!

Jenny: "Bob, we have been married for 11 years!"

Bob: "I SAID HAPPY!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15202 on: November 10, 2019, 10:43:37 AM »
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple as they return.

**Knock knock!**

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard.

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia."

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York."

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas!"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15203 on: November 10, 2019, 11:32:20 AM »
The most toxic stuff known to mankind.

1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. Climate Change Activists.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Brock

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15204 on: November 10, 2019, 11:41:31 AM »
you forgot Vegan nutters...
Brock
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15205 on: November 10, 2019, 12:25:39 PM »
 :rofl ... and flat earthers
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Online winston66

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15206 on: November 10, 2019, 12:53:33 PM »
What about.

 FAT BERTHAS.

Cheers , Winston66
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15207 on: November 10, 2019, 02:02:09 PM »
 :p
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15208 on: November 10, 2019, 02:21:58 PM »
A blonde had her car break down, and it was towed to the garage.

The mechanic said "There's a coffee shop next door, give me a half hour?"

When she returned, the mechanic said "All fixed, just crap in the carby!"

The blonde whined "And how often do I have to do that?"

*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15209 on: November 10, 2019, 02:39:17 PM »
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper, it will die instantly.


This is proof of how toxic the media can be.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15210 on: November 10, 2019, 05:06:25 PM »
I went to the last Paralympics ... no, not as a competitor.

I was employed to assist the wheelchair competitors at the long jump.

It was my job to jam the broom through the spokes of the wheelchairs.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15211 on: November 10, 2019, 05:46:45 PM »
My cat had a hairball caught in her throat
It was awful, she couldn't get it out. She'd wander around hacking, trying to get it out.
I chatted with a vet about this and he suggested i put vaseline on her front paws. I...uh what?
He explained further - vaseline is a non-toxic lubricant. If you put it on her paws, cats hate the feeling and will do the only thing they can do - lick it off. The vaseline will coat the throat and allow the hairball to get out.

I just stared at him for a minute before saying - "That sounds incredibly logical, I'll try it."
Sure enough, a week later, she started hacking. I applied some vaseline and she gave me the death stare as she licked it off.
But it worked, and she got the hairball up and out. Fantastic!
I repeated the process as needed over the next few weeks and it worked every time. But she hated it every time.

Yesterday, she started hacking. She looked at me. I looked at her, and like a rocket - she's running away from me.
I take off after her, she runs though an open door - my neighbour, a nice grandmother is sitting on her porch
- all she sees is my cat running across the lawn, me chasing her with a jar of vaseline calling 'Here kitty kitty!'
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15212 on: November 10, 2019, 06:51:22 PM »
The most toxic stuff known to mankind.

1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. Climate Change Activists.

OK Boomer 😂
Shillas :dred11  :13Candy

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world. And if it was, you'd find reds are by far undoubtedly & unquestionably the best.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15213 on: November 10, 2019, 07:47:44 PM »
 :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15214 on: November 10, 2019, 07:48:56 PM »
What's The Difference Between Donald Trump & a Bag of Cheetos?

One is a cheesy sack of toxic crap that's pumped up with orange dye and hot air, and is sold to ignorant masses with no taste.

The other is a corn-based snack food.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15215 on: November 11, 2019, 12:33:15 AM »
The other night I played a blank CD at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15216 on: November 11, 2019, 12:40:55 AM »
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me".


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

".... Needs ironing!" he replied...
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15217 on: November 11, 2019, 12:44:50 AM »
I bought a CD of ice cream van music.

Now I drive around with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces when they rush out to the footpath...
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15218 on: November 11, 2019, 12:48:13 AM »
When my mate turned 40, I sent him a music CD in the mail: UB40


A month later on my 40th, I received a music CD in the mail from him: U2
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15219 on: November 11, 2019, 01:02:35 AM »
Looking back through history, it seems the 7th Panzer Division won the 1940 Tour De France.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15220 on: November 11, 2019, 01:03:13 AM »
France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA because they had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15221 on: November 11, 2019, 02:30:27 AM »
There's a very logical reason the French eat snails.


They're not keen on fast food.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15222 on: November 11, 2019, 02:31:43 AM »
A Zen Buddhist spent two days climbing a mountain peak.

When he reached the summit at sunrise of the second day, he sat cross legged on the ground facing the rising sun,
held his hands palm upwards, and began praying.. "Ommmmm,    Ommmmmmmmm"

Then he immediately stood to his feet again, and started back down the mountain.


... Must have just been a breakfast Ommmmmelette.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15223 on: November 11, 2019, 04:12:05 AM »
Ancient Roman galley...

The guy with the whip addresses the galley slaves.

"I have good news and I have bad news."

"The good news is, all you guys get extra bread this morning."

"The bad news - this afternoon the Captain wants to go water skiing."
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15224 on: November 11, 2019, 04:42:02 AM »
Negro with a motorcycle.

Kick starting:- "Nigger-Nigger! ... Nigger-Nigger!

Engine fires:-  "Ba boong, boong, boong, boong!"

Revs it up:- "Coon!, coon!, coon!, coon!"

Drops the clutch and races away with gear changes:- "Blaaack!, blaaaaaaaaaK!, blaaaaaaaaaaaak"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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