Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5865835 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15925 on:** January 06, 2020, 11:24:13 PM »

I was asked "What do you know about bonsai trees?"

I replied "Very little ..."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15926 on:** January 06, 2020, 11:30:02 PM »

I was in the dentist's chair.

He looked at my shoes and said, "Very nice loafers there, very nice."

"Thanks," I said.

Then he looked at my suit. "Love the clothing, too. Very stylish, very nice."

"Thanks," I said.

He looked out the window while I rinsed my mouth out, and said, "That car of yours is sweet.
I must say, you appear to be doing very well for yourself. Have you got a new job?"

"No," I replied. "I just haven't been in here for a few years."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15927 on:** January 06, 2020, 11:44:49 PM »

Joe wandered into Sam’s pawnshop and placed a leather jacket on the counter.
“How much is this jacket worth?”

Sam checked it over. “$15, and that’s the best offer” he replied.

“Surely it's worth more?" argued Joe.

Sam was adamant. “$15, or nothing.”

“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Joe.

“Positive”

“Okay,” said Joe. "Here’s your $15...
It was hanging in your doorway with a $130 tag on it, and I was curious as to its real value.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15928 on:** January 06, 2020, 11:51:15 PM »

I once met a girl who was into leather and bondage.

Bitch tied me up, and stole my wallet.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15929 on:** January 07, 2020, 01:44:14 AM »

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15930 on:** January 07, 2020, 01:46:01 AM »

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...
So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona.
He proceeded to ignore what I believe was my best joke.
I probably didn't say it right.
The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15931 on:** January 07, 2020, 01:48:07 AM »

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15932 on:** January 07, 2020, 01:57:25 AM »

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .

Girl: I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.

Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?

Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart?

Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.

Dad : I'm just kidding, he's in the bathroom.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15933 on:** January 07, 2020, 02:21:00 AM »

"Dad, what kind of Berry is that?"

Dad: "It's a blackberry."

"Then, why is it red?"

Dad: "Because it's still green."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15934 on:** January 07, 2020, 02:27:33 AM »

After reading about the negative effects of drinking, smoking, and partying hard with multiple partners, I have now made a radical change to my lifestyle.

I have given up reading.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15935 on:** January 07, 2020, 02:37:43 AM »

After my breakup I moved into a new place and bought a dalmatian.
Every day I took that dog for a walk past our old place and, day after day, I trained him to pee in her flowerbed and take a dump on her lawn. . .

It was a classic case of Spot Marks the Ex!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15936 on:** January 07, 2020, 07:05:35 AM »

I entered a drinking competition.

I won 3st prize.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15937 on:** January 07, 2020, 07:22:52 AM »

They say stealth planes make your radar signature smaller, so you show up to the radar just like a small bird.

"Sir, we think we've spotted a sparrow on the radar screen."

"Well, what's so unusual about that?"

"Well the sparrow is flying at about mach 2."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15938 on:** January 07, 2020, 08:14:05 AM »

Fallout from the Banking Royal Commission

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15939 on:** January 07, 2020, 04:31:24 PM »

A dietician was once addressing a large audience.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man responded: "Wedding cake."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15940 on:** January 07, 2020, 04:35:49 PM »

A woman held up a poultry package and asked a supermarket member: "When does this chicken expire?"

"Usually at the factory, when they cut its head off."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15941 on:** January 07, 2020, 04:41:42 PM »

My wife once asked, "What was The Lords' full name?"

So I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.

She got it right, all three names!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15942 on:** January 07, 2020, 05:38:29 PM »

After I won my game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV....

Apparently that's unacceptable in ten pin bowling.

Bodø · « **Reply #15943 on:** January 07, 2020, 05:41:21 PM »

I hope you didn't do it too often. You don't want to get tomany strikes against your name.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15944 on:** January 07, 2020, 05:43:21 PM »

A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.
The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?"
The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me."

The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it down.
He proceeds to light up a single lamp in front of the clock.
He then says in a sinister voice, " Ve hav vays of making you tock!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15945 on:** January 07, 2020, 07:20:11 PM »

Did you know that when someone likes you, their voice goes higher and clearer when talking to you?

That's probably why the girls I talk to sound like Chewbacca, from Star Wars.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15946 on:** January 07, 2020, 11:04:04 PM »

Four rabbis are arguing.
Three rabbis hold one opinion and the fourth one holds an opposite opinion.
The rabbi who oppose the three says: "God will prove I am right!"
There is a lightning and thunder outside.
"That's just a random accident," say those three.
Outside, it starts heavily raining. The ground is shaking.
"Again, this proves nothing," say those three.
The sky suddenly glows, and there is a loud voice from above: "HE IS RIGHT!"
"So what?," say those three, "It's STILL three against two..."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15947 on:** January 07, 2020, 11:19:35 PM »

A man went to a psychiatrist, and said that he can hear voices coming from his underwear.

Doctor says "Don't listen to them. They're talking bollocks."

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #15948 on:** January 07, 2020, 11:38:29 PM »

Poppycock!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15949 on:** January 07, 2020, 11:39:45 PM »

During an earthquake, do coffins double in function as human maracas?

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5865835 times)

Bodø