Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 363892 times)

Online ruSTynutz

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16250 on: January 14, 2020, 01:59:29 PM »
The same could be said for ScoMo...  :butt

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16251 on: January 14, 2020, 02:44:43 PM »
Can't expect anything else from a happy-clapper.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16252 on: January 14, 2020, 06:09:20 PM »
A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog.
A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.
The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog order.”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16253 on: January 14, 2020, 09:04:21 PM »
A married couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on.

After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go.
The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again.

And then he says: "Gentlemen, surely you cannot be serious?"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16254 on: January 14, 2020, 11:47:08 PM »
A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16255 on: January 14, 2020, 11:59:43 PM »
Doctor: "I'm afraid to say your test results are not good."

Patient: "How bad?"

Doctor: "It depends...  How old are you?"

Patient: "I'll be 24 next month."

Doctor: "No you won't!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16256 on: January 15, 2020, 12:14:07 AM »
The Leaning Tower of Pisa isn't actually leaning...

...they just built it in Italics.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16257 on: January 15, 2020, 04:46:56 AM »
President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed.
Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?'
George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goes back to sleep.
He is woken up a short time later by the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt sitting at the foot of his bed.
"Frankie, my boy, what can I do to be a better president?' FDR thinks a moment and says, 'You have to put the people first.'
Once again Trump doesn't like this answer, yells for security, and FDR disappears.
Trump is once again awakened by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln at the foot of his bed.
"Abe, my boy, how can I be a better president?'
Abe thinks for a moment and responds, 'Go to the theatre more often.'
« Last Edit: January 15, 2020, 10:02:08 AM by Kev Murphy »
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16258 on: January 15, 2020, 10:08:39 AM »
Maybe Trump should have taken Prozac instead of building a wall to handle Hispanic attacks?
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16259 on: January 15, 2020, 01:18:09 PM »
I didn't realise the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16260 on: January 15, 2020, 01:26:00 PM »
Kept having my packages stolen by porch thieves, so I ordered a security cam from Amazon to deter/catch the culprit.

They stole that package too.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16261 on: January 15, 2020, 01:58:41 PM »
Your neighbour has a good security camera.  Well, that's what you said last time you told that joke.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16262 on: January 15, 2020, 02:18:56 PM »
You know, ScoMo is very similar to a guy who dresses in wings, and shoots arrows at couples on Valentines Day.


One of the above, is called a cupid stunt...
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16263 on: January 15, 2020, 06:31:25 PM »
"Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. I’ll have a refill, please!."
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16264 on: January 15, 2020, 07:03:54 PM »
I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I drank it, and left my house to go to work.

Took me 15 minutes to realise I left my car at home.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16265 on: January 15, 2020, 07:14:22 PM »
I'm disappointed BIC company doesn't make gardening equipment


Who wouldn't want to have a Dig Bic Plow?
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16266 on: January 15, 2020, 07:15:08 PM »
I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16267 on: January 15, 2020, 09:56:25 PM »
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16268 on: January 15, 2020, 10:17:26 PM »
My wife told me that the word "gullible" did not appear in the dictionary.

I checked, and it was there.

What an idiot she is.
Shillas :dred11  :13Candy

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world. And if it was, you'd find reds are by far undoubtedly & unquestionably the best.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16269 on: January 16, 2020, 07:14:17 AM »
An Apple store was robbed last night and $12,000 worth of electronic equipment was stolen.

However, Police are confident they can recover all three phones.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16270 on: January 16, 2020, 07:19:53 AM »
A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...
The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so Boris goes to America and he spends the first months in the army checking everything he can.
He checks the vehicles, weapons, clothes, helmets, and anything which could tip the scale in favour of the US army.
After the year has passed he goes back to Russia to report his findings.

"Look" he says. "The vehicles are old and lacking, their equipment is poor to say the least, their air force doesn't match ours and they have very poor organisation. However, I have found the secret which makes them so good in the battlefield"

"What is it?!" Demands the minister. "Talk now, the whole Russia is in danger!"

"30 minutes before they enter combat, they eat 200 grams of protein" says Boris.

"Impossible!" barks the minister. "Nobody can eat 12 kilos of potatoes in such short time!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16271 on: January 16, 2020, 07:20:38 AM »
Wonder Woman has a lot of equipment.
A lasso, bracelets, tiara, sword, shield... I used to wonder where she gets it all, but then I remembered...

Amazon...
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16272 on: January 16, 2020, 07:24:26 AM »
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pyjamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas?”

“No I didn’t... I put them in your tackle box.”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16273 on: January 16, 2020, 07:42:19 AM »
Little Johnny was an idiot...
and his teacher kept saying "You're going to be the death of me." because of how bad he was at all his subjects.

One day, the school has had enough, and decided to expel little Johnny. In the meeting with his parents, the principal said "Ma'am, your son cannot stay in this school, he can't read, write, add, subtract and he's in high school!"
His mother replied "My son will become something great, yet you refuse to believe in him and help him! You'll see, you'll see."

Many years later, that same teacher was admitted into a hospital due to a rare and potentially fatal heart condition.
There is only one doctor in the whole country that can perform a lifesaving surgery, and he arrives there as soon as possible.

The surgery is a success and the teacher lives on for another day thanks to the incredible work of the doctor.
However a few hours later, she is found dead in her hospital bed with all medical equipment turned off.

An investigation is launched, with the police suspecting malice, but security cameras showed the janitor cleaning the room and tripping on a cable, cutting the power to the life support.

And the janitor? ... Little Johnny.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16274 on: January 16, 2020, 01:21:08 PM »
Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960