Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 444273 times)

Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16825 on: February 15, 2020, 10:39:59 PM »
I was once addicted to Viagra.

It was the hardest time of my life.
Shillas :dred11  :13Candy

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world. And if it was, you'd find reds are by far undoubtedly & unquestionably the best.

CB 125
RD 200
CB 250T
XJ 650
XV 750
VN 800
ST 1100 - In the garage
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16826 on: February 15, 2020, 11:17:21 PM »
The ‘w’ in 'Sahara Desert', stands for water




There is none
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16827 on: February 15, 2020, 11:20:07 PM »
"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"

"Go on, what happened?" he asks.

"Well, I was hiking in the park when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as it was about to pounce for the kill, it suddenly slipped and broke its leg."

"You are really a brave guy... I would have shit myself!"

he replied. ...



"What do you think the lion slipped on?"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16828 on: February 15, 2020, 11:32:41 PM »
If you login to online retailer websites for End Of Year sales, you may save up to 70% on goods.


But if you don't buy anything, you'll save 100%
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16829 on: February 15, 2020, 11:42:40 PM »
A man says to his Doctor "My wife wants sex all the time. To get a break, what can I give to her?"

The doc replied with a leer on his face "My number!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16830 on: February 16, 2020, 03:24:56 AM »
Waitress asked a customer if he had any questions about the menu....

"Yeah, what font is the hamburger special?"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16831 on: February 16, 2020, 03:27:58 AM »
Squirrels infested a small town and each house of worship called a meeting to decide what to do.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrel problem.
After much prayer and discussion, they concluded the squirrels infesting the church were predestined to be there and the church elders and congregation shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.
The deacons met and put a water slide leading to the font in hopes the the squirrels would drown themselves.
However, being instinctive swimmers like many rodents, the squirrels took to the slide as a game and found it fun; twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures, so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free at night next to the Baptist Church.
Two weeks later the squirrels were back and the Baptists gave up and took down the water slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels in their house of worship and consecrated them as members of the church. Now the parishioners only see them on Christmas and Easter.

The Jewish synagogue reported little trouble. They took the first squirrel they found and circumcised him.
They haven't seen a squirrel since.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16832 on: February 16, 2020, 03:30:25 AM »
The Leaning Tower of Pisa actually isn't leaning.

...they just built it in Italic font.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16833 on: February 16, 2020, 03:31:54 AM »
There something dodgy about the tree next to my driveway.

Seems kinda shady.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16834 on: February 16, 2020, 03:37:46 AM »
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 late minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16835 on: February 16, 2020, 03:51:18 AM »
Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit on Friday afternoon"

Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"

Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help yesterday."
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16836 on: February 16, 2020, 03:54:49 AM »
Usain Bolt went to join a golf club.

The secretary said "We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks."

Furious, Bolt replies "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh, sorry, " replies the Secretary. "In that case, it's just 5 minutes down the road! "
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16837 on: February 16, 2020, 08:54:40 AM »
If Usain Bolt misses his bus, he waits for it at the next stop.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16838 on: February 16, 2020, 09:01:17 AM »
If Usain Bolt misses his bus, he waits for it at the next stop.

Actually there are places where that is possible (ie. King William Street Adelaide, Flinders Medical Centre to name two).
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16839 on: February 16, 2020, 09:04:56 AM »
In King William street, you could probably call a cab, and still beat the bus to the next stop.  :p
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16840 on: February 16, 2020, 09:09:40 AM »
Todays scam. Supposedly from the Bank of Melbourne.

Nice try, but I do not have an account there...
Duplicate of previous emails, where only the name of the bank differs.

« Last Edit: February 16, 2020, 09:14:42 AM by Kev Murphy »
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16841 on: February 16, 2020, 09:58:47 AM »
A very depressed man goes to a psychologist
“Ya know doc, life seems harsh and cruel. I feel all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. I don’t know what to do.”

The doctor says, “Son, I don’t really know what to tell you, but I have a suggestion for some simple treatment...
The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should help you to laugh, and let go for a bit.”

The man bursts into tears. After eventually gathering himself, he says, 'But doctor…I AM Pagliacci.'
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16842 on: February 16, 2020, 10:01:40 AM »
I was going to buy my girlfriend a present within $200 on valentines day.

i also need a girlfriend, and $200
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16843 on: February 16, 2020, 11:05:14 AM »
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius

... but his brother Frank was a monster.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16844 on: February 16, 2020, 11:07:39 AM »
 :rofl
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16845 on: February 16, 2020, 01:09:45 PM »
Two Roman Soldiers are standing guard...
In an attempt to make conversation, guard 1 makes a suggestion:

1: What if we had a word to describe people who haven’t had sex? What would it be?

2: Why would you think that!? It’s an arbitrary category and could make people uncomfortable. Think about their self esteem!

1: Calm down, Virgineous!
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16846 on: February 16, 2020, 01:47:10 PM »

ScoMo, Peter Costello and Clive Palmer went for a stroll through a cow pasture.

Scott says to the other two that he will give them $10,000 each to eat a pile of cow flop. They consider the suggestion, say what the heck, and tuck in. ScoMo, laughing, gives them the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes, Peter tells the other two that if they eat a pile, he will also give them $10,000 each.
They consider this, and pig out as well. Peter chuckles, and gives them the money.

Not to be outdone, Clive offers the other two the same deal again, which they laughingly accept.

After another few minutes, a concerned look of realisation appears on ScoMos face.
He asks Peter and Clive, "Did we three just eat cow flop for no reason?"

Immediately, Clive replies confidently, "No way! We just created three jobs, and $60,000 worth of GDP!"



Capitalism is alive and well in Australia, and they expect the rest of us to eat shit and be happy about it.

*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16847 on: February 16, 2020, 02:07:10 PM »
A woman dies and meets Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

She said, "Great! I made it to heaven?"

Peter says, "No, you have to spell a word first."

She says "Ok, what word?"

Peter says, "Spell the word 'Love.' "

The woman spells out loud, "L- O- V- E-."

Peter says, "Great! You're in!"

A few months later, the woman is hanging out near the gate and Peter asks her to watch the gate for him.

She asks, "So, what do I do?"

Saint Peter says, "When someone comes, just have them spell a word, like I did with you."

A little while later her ex Husband appears at the gates. He sees her and asks, "Did I make it?"

The ex wife says, "No, not yet, you have to spell a word first."

Eager to get into heaven, the ex husbands asks "Which word?"

The ex wife replies, "Spell 'Czechoslovakia' "
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16848 on: February 16, 2020, 02:09:44 PM »
If you ask me odyssey is a harder word to spell.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16849 on: February 16, 2020, 03:51:13 PM »
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.

Judge: “Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”

Ex wife: “I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him”

Judge: “That is a simple yet good reason.”

Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.

Judge: “Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”

The ex husband thought long and hard about his response.
After a brief moment of silence, he replies: “If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out,
... is it mine or the machines?”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Bike and car Licence since 1964, first bike 147 cc Francis Barnett Plover 1960