Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 4205056 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19350 on:** July 24, 2020, 01:22:59 PM »

It's called animal magnetism. Some have it, some don't.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19351 on:** July 24, 2020, 01:31:05 PM »

Ummm... does she know you?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19352 on:** July 24, 2020, 03:16:33 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19353 on:** July 24, 2020, 03:17:16 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19354 on:** July 24, 2020, 03:21:00 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19355 on:** July 24, 2020, 03:35:11 PM »

The old man takes the old lady to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor wants to have some fun with the old man, so after the checkup
he tells the old man "The problem is serious, the old ladies health is deteriorating, and the only cure is sex."
The old man says "Sex?"
"Yes", the doctor says "Sex, you know."
"How many times she must have sex?"
The doctor says "Three times a week."
"What days?" the old man says.
"Well, let's say Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday."
"Well doctor, Tuesday and Thursday is ok but, on Saturday I play golf, So she will have to catch the bus to get here."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19356 on:** July 24, 2020, 06:26:07 PM »

Auspost delivery is almost at a standstill?

I posted a package to a friend in Townsville last Monday morning at 9.30 am.

Received a tracking email at 6.17pm tonight notifying me that it has reached Melbourne at 4.15 pm today.

How is my package being transported? If it is by wheelbarrow, please employ more staff so they can at least operate as a relay team!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19357 on:** July 24, 2020, 07:00:18 PM »

Even on a pushbike, an average rider could cover that distance in 24 hours, including an 8 hour overnight break!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19358 on:** July 24, 2020, 07:08:09 PM »

A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.
It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but... it's the only food we can slide under your door."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19359 on:** July 24, 2020, 07:16:42 PM »

I'm on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine.

It's a good diet.

I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license in the first week.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19360 on:** July 24, 2020, 08:01:14 PM »

A female friend was getting married, and she's a big ol' sum.

Her friends were about as fat as she is, and she bought them all matching brown dresses.

They looked like a bunch of UPS trucks all parked outside the church.

Shillas · « **Reply #19361 on:** July 24, 2020, 08:13:22 PM »

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19362 on:** July 24, 2020, 08:15:55 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19363 on:** July 24, 2020, 09:25:23 PM »

COON is the Australian trademark of a cheddar cheese produced by the Warrnambool Cheese and Butter company.

It was first launched in 1935 by Fred Walker. Coon cheese is named after its American creator, Edward William Coon (1871–1934) of Philadelphia, who patented a method, subsequently known as the Cooning process, for fast maturation of cheese via high temperature and humidity.

Its name was defended by previous manufacturers Kraft and Dairy Farmers despite campaigns to change it.
On 24 July 2020, Coon cheese owners Saputo Inc. announced the name would be changed following a review, in order to placate some snowflake who has been pushing for two decades to change the name.

FFS! It was named after the guy who invented the process! What does this PC loop want it called, 'Rainbow Cheese'?

NTRebel · « **Reply #19364 on:** July 24, 2020, 09:34:46 PM »

They'll probably name it albino.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19365 on:** July 24, 2020, 09:38:03 PM »

... and then what, change the name on Edwards grave to maintain his association with the product?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19366 on:** July 24, 2020, 09:44:26 PM »

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this, and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asked why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man replied, "About a dollar fifty!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19367 on:** July 24, 2020, 09:47:24 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19368 on:** July 24, 2020, 10:36:08 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19369 on:** July 24, 2020, 10:38:28 PM »

Eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad.
Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
They ask for the good news first.
Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs."
"And the bad news?" they ask.
Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19370 on:** July 25, 2020, 01:42:38 AM »

My boss was always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

So I went to work naked.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19371 on:** July 25, 2020, 01:44:15 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19372 on:** July 25, 2020, 01:53:29 AM »

The last fight with my wife was my fault.

She asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19373 on:** July 25, 2020, 07:04:22 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19374 on:** July 25, 2020, 10:16:02 AM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 4205056 times)